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by: c ur self -
She acts and lives like and unconcerned dependent...(like a selfish child who doesn't have the maturity to even understand her actions)...There is no boundaries that can limit her from using the quest room, the groceries, and utilities w/o any work or effort toward it....Unless she leaves.... We had sex up until I quit being the cheerleader for it about 6 months ago...It got very old dealing with her negative and un-thankful attitude...But even our sex life was just that for her....It was her finally...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
After thinking about this for a while, I realized why I initially came back here again; Fear and anger are the reasons why, at the heart of the matter. a) I was afraid of never getting sex again b) I was becoming increasingly angry ( resentful) for being criticized and belittled ( talked down to as a child...in essence...being talked to in a disrespectful manner. ) If you forget about all the reasons why, and many, rightfully so, it still all boils down to those two things....that's all that's left at...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
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by: c ur self -
I told her that I would carry anything she boxed up and put in the rooms she designated....I also told her if there were things she didn't want, to put it in a certain place and I would discard it all for her....She has moved a very few things, but, as done very little packing (she's a light hoarder and has an overwhelming amount of stuff)...Boxes piled in the living room for a few months now basically untouched....I try my best everyday to take it with a grain of salt...I've had 16 years of experience...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: BeyondConfused -
I was just discussing/thinking about this yesterday while talking with a family member. I had called them because my partner had done something that left me concerned about if waiting until I have a job and a plan in place to ask him to leave was still feasible. Interestingly enough, I think this family member has ADHD too. There were a few things on a form I had when I was pursuing my diagnosis that she seemed shocked by and kept insisting that those were "normal". Or "everyone does that" so to speak. And...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, This is a really interesting theory. Coupled with what we know about ADHD impulsivity, it makes sense! Diagnoses here in Canada seem to be a bit quicker so we may have more anecdotal evidence - not sure. But my husband and two teen daughters were diagnosed in the past two years. Our eldest was the first - she was 13 at the time. We were a bit shocked as she shows none of the signs you would expect. It turns out that she internalizes all of the nervous energy and it becomes really...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: Swedish coast -
In This Is How Your Marriage Ends there is a chapter on how spouses drift apart with time if not striving constantly to connect. That theme spoke to me. I think the ADD mind may rest thinking nothing bad happens with time if they do nothing. Instead, their inertia kills the marriage. As you said, if she pulls away but still lives with you, she has the convenience of your resources. That seems like a comfortable place for her, but to me it's deeply immoral and also insulting to you. My ex husband did it...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: Swedish coast -
You're right C. I haven't had any male friends or acquaintances confide their troubles in their marriages. This is all women talking amongst themselves. Thank you for adding a broader perspective.>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: Swedish coast -
Realize my ex moving out would never have happened either if I hadn't organized it. Of course, inertia. Im so sorry C. Weeks went by and my ex did nothing to recover the trust between us after having RSD'd lavishly for a few months before divorce was finalized. He did nothing to pack stuff. I kept on cooking family dinners and tried to be brave in front of the children. Every day was torture. I realized he would never move out on his own accord. So I sat down with him gently and explained he needed to...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: c ur self -
I think it's possible that because you are a women (see and feel the women's perspective) it's common for you to feel and think these feelings and thoughts you have posted....I have read here about 12 years or so....Been married to an ADD spouse 16...I also joined a facebook group of all men, married to ADD wives, about a year ago....I can tell you that even though men and women have unique God given physical, emotional & mental features of mind and body...In my experience there isn't that much...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: c ur self -
I think me asking her to leave shocked her....She had pulled away and pulled away until life was just like she liked it...(of course boundaries had also ended a lot of our interactions, which was me...Because after years of trying, I realized I could not trust her to not blow up and ruin any attempt at travel, etc... She said around the end of May that she could be out around the end June, and have all her stuff out by the end of July...I told her to take August too, if she needed it...(house has set for...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Beyond Confused, I've been where you are, even up to the feedback from friends. It's so difficult and I'm so sorry you're in it. But to answer your question, I don't think the root cause (ADHD vs something else) matters as much as a few key considerations: - Have you told him how you feel, and what he could do to help to build up the relationship? - Can you forgive the behaviours and continue to be your best self, or are they wearing you down? If wearing you down, are you able to change your...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: BeyondConfused -
Thank you. Yeah, it really annoyed and hurt me. And it made me feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like my friend exhibits behaviors that might end up causing resentment from her husband down the line. But I don't bring it up because they seem happy, and it's not my business. She's not being rude to him or acting abusive, she just lets messes pile up and expects him to clean up her messes and do all the cooking. But for all I know, that dynamic might work if they've discussed it before. I'm at the...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: Off the roller ... -
That's the official title>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
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by: Off the roller ... -
It's there under blogs > psychology today > and titled: before yiu leave your marriage check these things... something like like. You can't miss it>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
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by: Sugarlumps83 -
I know the feeling. My husband is due to get a diagnosis soon and hopefully medication. We've been together for twenty years, have two kids but I'm exhausted. We've moved country twice, it was fine when we were younger, but now he's looking at houses in another country, and I really don't want to move again. Every time I mentioned it, he would loose it because he hates where we live, and makes me feel bad. He keeps threatening out marriage because I won't just sell the house and move. That he would just...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm so sorry that your friend blamed you when you made yourself vulnerable by telling about your strained marriage. I think it was unnecessary. She could have kept that observation to herself at least. The situation with your turned away spouse, lost on his devices, is very relatable to me. I also couldn't make the marriage function when it'd gone that far. As for your last question, isn't it natural to be upset about dysfunctional behavior even when you know it's cause? ADHD is an explanation, but no...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: Davy -
Thank you for your kind words. hopefully when she has her therapy, she can deal with it better, for herself. Because she deserves to be happy and knowing how to handle the difficulties she has. I'm going to give her the space and time that she needs. Meanwhile I'm going to focus on myself. And who knows, maybe in the future we can talk about it face to face and maybe it results in something good and better. But that's a maybe and if so, for later.>>> on Forum topic - I don’t know how to deal with this.
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry your love is affected by overwhelm. It can be very hard to live with. I used to dismiss my ADD ex-husband's worries that he wouldn't manage things. I trusted in his talents and intelligence and couldn't imagine how dysfunctional he was, and how those traits would become more and more accentuated with time. His diagnosis would take many years to be known to us. Meanwhile, we both had a hard time coping with the symptoms, and in hindsight I would have done better if I'd believed him at the start....>>> on Forum topic - I don’t know how to deal with this.
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by: J -
I'm just now discovering what these lyrics are saying. I've heard them many times before, but I'm just now understanding what they really mean. "If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung Would you hear my voice come through the music? Would you hold it near as it were your own? It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken Perhaps they're better left unsung I don't know, don't really care Let there be songs to fill the air Ripple in still water When...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
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by: Davy -
Thank you for your words! I'm taking my distance now, sometimes she reaches out to me and most of the time it's a nice conversation. She's going into therapy soon because she wants to work on it. She also says that she doesn't forget about me and has still hope (but doesn't want to give me false hope) that maybe if she's stable enough or the therapy has ended successfully that maybe we can work it out. So for me it's difficult to let it go, I also hope that we can work it out. But not at any cost...>>> on Forum topic - I don’t know how to deal with this.
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