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by: Swedish coast -
I never thought I'd need to protect myself from him wanting to hurt me. But here we are.>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: J -
My last comment just connected something for me in terms of "perfection" or being a "perfectionist". Part of my understanding of what RSD is .in terms of symptoms, is becoming a perfectionist. This idea is pretty clear to me now. Being a perfectionist makes a person immune to criticism or beyond reproach. If you're perfect...no one can say anything...you're safe from being criticized and feeling shame....or being exposed as "less than perfect". It's a subconscious defense mechanism against being...>>> on Forum topic - Understanding how OCD, Anxiety RSD and Emotional Lability work
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by: J -
Just because a person has ADHD doesn’t mean we don't do the exact same thing ( maybe more ? ) by responding judgementally to things beyond our understanding. It's a natural thing to do, but it appears as hypocrital when we're pointing fingers while doung the same thing ourselves. Especially when we're far less than perfect. As they say, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. I'm really beginning to solidify my understand of all of this better. I've always understand the concept that...>>> on Forum topic - Understanding how OCD, Anxiety RSD and Emotional Lability work
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by: c ur self -
Also, when the spouse witness's these behaviors produced by the thoughts, their minds my immediately jump to empathy, concern, help or fix, etc...Many times they go strait to bewilderment because these behaviors or unnatural to their minds, they are not privy to the thought that produced it....Lost on understanding, so we should always be careful w/ our responses, to what we do not understand....>>> on Forum topic - Understanding how OCD, Anxiety RSD and Emotional Lability work
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by: c ur self -
If a person has no ability of heart to consider the effects of their actions, or no ability to put themselves in a spouse's shoe's, then they will always turn to blame to exonerate themselves for their own mental, and emotional self acceptance, so they can feel good about themselves going forward....No one wants to carry around a burden of being a bad person, not even a unsafe person....Blame can be the only form of closure many people have....>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: c ur self -
I got a little emotional reading your post....As I can Identify w/ you so well...My heart breaks for you...The many faces of Narcissism among other mental Illness's and how those play out in a marriage relationships is quiet beyond the ability to be comprehended by outsiders who have never lived it....In physical presence you may be across an Ocean, but, in reality of living, you are in my (many of us) mirror, to a large degree...After enduring many years (16) of these same toxic traits, plus a few...>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: Swedish coast -
I found there was no way to relax with an unreliable ADD partner. Though he had occupational therapist treatment in order to organize life, giant things were missed in that therapy since he didn't mention them to the therapist. His efforts with whiteboards etcetera petered out in a matter of days or weeks. And most importantly, he didn't communicate with me. He couldn't improve the above since he was unaware of most of it. Having a sort of joint consciousness with somebody else makes one so vulnerable to...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted from constant reminding - tips needed
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by: AG -
Good question, I'm curious myself what others suggest. Is there anything recurring? Like we use the term "garbage eve" so it doesn't come across as criticism and it's in a shared google calendar. Similar to a code word, you could assign a task a name that's maybe unique or different. Either of us don't mind saying it but it's understood that's it's his task. He seems to have gotten better at cleaning up kitchen/dishes in evening bc he knows it means so much to me to wake up and have a relaxing morning...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted from constant reminding - tips needed
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by: J -
One last thing about forgetting. What works and doesn't work...is me being 100% accountable for anything I miss. This is a decision or choice. In fact, I insist on it. I won't allow my SO to do anything that's my responsibility and I forget to do it...even after the fact. To the point of being adamant about it! Why? Because if she does it ( thinking around the house ) I miss the opportunity to learn and put that experience in my long term memory for next time. She's literally robbing me of my chance to...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted from constant reminding - tips needed
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by: J -
Reminders are really great especially if they come fron a constructive place, without criticism. It's the criticism and judgment part ( the chastising ) which makes it feel like a parent to a child or talking down to you from above. Important to note. But as I've found, there's no real pill or treatment for memory in that respect. I've heard the word "prosthesis" used to describe what is needed. Some form of outside devise: calander, sticky notes, cell phone etc. And it has to be placed right in front...>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted from constant reminding - tips needed
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by: adhd32 -
You cannot fix this alone. You likely cannot fix this at all since you control only yourself. No amount of pleading or appointment setting will help if he isn't participating. The problem is you are no longer the hyperfocus of his attention. Do not feel sorry for him if you were to leave, he would survive. YOU are not responsible for how he handles his mental health. You seem to think he won't survive without you but he already is surviving alone since he has shut you out by being unavailable. If he...>>> on Forum topic - Today's thoughts
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by: Off the roller ... -
I'm so glad you posted, you are so very welcome here. I read every word and echo those of who have commented and offered tangible and practical suggestions. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sending you some strength.>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: AG -
Yes, this sounds all around abusive. You deserve better. Thank you for writing, I did read all of it. It sounds extremely painful. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive people as you work through this.>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: MelissaOrlov -
Your situation has classic abuse written all over it, as well as possible mental health issues beyond what you suspect. I don't diagnose, and so won't go further on that topic. Your partner sounds volatile, at a minimum. I do not know if such services are available where you are, but you may wish to speak with abuse experts (such as at an abuse hotline) about making sure you stay safe through this next phase. Divorcing may seem like a bottomless void at the moment, and very scary, but you will find...>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm not native English speaking either as you can surely tell. Good to have you here on the forum. I sometimes think ADHD genes have succeeded evolutionarily because they make their bearer so endearing. It makes total sense to me that despite all, you've felt the deep connection and that he can love you like nobody else. I've lived that too. It's confusing beyond description when the ADHD partner then turns out to be abusive. Your list of misery is proof this marriage isn't in your best interest. Of...>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: Swedish coast -
So kind of you. You're right. I'll try.>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: nefun76 -
Don't be too hard on your self . My ex during our divorce said the most terrible things to me- called me fat, ugly, useless, greedy and unprintable words. He was like a little boy in the playground who could not control his emotions largely because I was winning the case and he didn't want to be financially responsible for our minor children. He called me an entrepreneurial guru who went to Ivy League schools so I should solely care for the kids . He was/is an awful father and husband . He was filled...>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: Swedish coast -
The possible reason you give for the unkindness is probably it. I should maybe just let go of reliving the painful days of divorce. It's hard to process this though, just as you said. To me, the main goal during divorce was to be fair and kind. I knew we would both have to start new lives, and we were both in bad shape due to his illness and stress already. It was important to me to express my grief over the marriage, that I had tried so hard to save. I told him, even after he said those awful things, how...>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: AG -
I appreciate you being on here and sharing your perspective, Swedish. And also thank you for commenting on my post. I would guess that your ex was acting unkind and hurtful because of his own suffering and inability to process his emotions in a healthy way. "If he's hurting so should you" My SO just called and asked if I would like him to come home first after work or go to the (hyperfixation) casino first for arbitrage betting. Either way he's going to the casino.....so I said I'd like to see you...>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
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by: cheffluke -
Sorry, I got side tracked I just realized. The whole event over the summer got me into therapy and IOP because I was having so many night terrors, just full breakdowns when I'd see my wife, etc. It was really really hard for her and for myself and I thought I was losing my mind. Therapy started getting me thinking in different ways and managing some of my feelings, but it wasn't focused on ADHD because I was pretty oblivious to the idea that ADHD may be a symptom of the issues we have been facing. Her...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
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