or at least, a few relative parts. I did have several light bulb moments which prompted me to have a brief talk with my SO before going to bed last night.
While listening to her book, I realized several things right off the bat. There were several things that have been mentioned repeatedly that were making her angry. One in particular ( which is not an everyday one for most people ) has to do with the hearing aids ability to connect to Bluetooth so I can listen to things silently on the phone. Music in particular for me. While this sounds like a great idea and being thoughtful on one end, it also effectively cuts me off from anyone trying to talk to me. I'm sure you can see where this us going! There's a part two to this issue but for now, I'm only focusing on this one issue as she has repeatedly complained that she can't talk to me when the Bluetooth is connected. In essence, we lose connection when I'm connected.
I began the conversation with: "I want to say something...and that is, I'm so sorry I haven't listened to you when you've told me how frustrating it is when I'm connected to Bluetooth on my hearing aids. I'm sure this must feel like you're not being heard. As of tomorrow morning, the Bluetooth gets turned off as long as we're together." More or less, that's how I started.
She wondered where that came from and I told here about Melissa's book and said I had just read a few things that made me feel guilty of not listening to you more. She appreciated that and even reminded me of how I hadn't been "plugged in" yesterday morning and she was able to talk to me while she was making breakfast. It was really nice she said.
I then brought up my biggest concern being: the parent child dynamic and how it'll ruin our relationship if we don't do something about it. Her response was interesting as she said in a rather casual voice: : "well, I've always had to mother the men I've been in a relationship with...especially my last ex-husband. The last was husband two for 15 years."
I didn't say it, but I was thinking it. Mmmmm?
I told her, we need to find a way to stop this as it's critically important. And she was receptive. I repeated how sorry I was and promised to try and make her feel heard by listening better. This actually felt like the air had cleared a little. I made this a short conversation but I already know several other things I can start to do immediately along these same lines.
But the section on roles and symbolic gestures also caught my attention. I realized:
a) I need to take on the role as the Non-ADHD partner, just to get a clearer understanding because we both have ADHD. That can get confusing for me when trying to listen to the book.
b) I also have to take on the traditional male role of making things happen better. That's means, predicting things ahead of time and just doing them instead of having to be asked. This also falls into thr category of symbolic gestures as I understand it?
c) the goal is to take some of the load off her plate when thinking about any of this...making her feel more supported like I have her back.*
* This is where it gets tricky with someone who has a strong need for control of being self sufficient. In essence....I don't need anyone to help me.
If that's the case, they're not going to necessarily ask for help. I've got to pay attention to everything I already know, and just do it even IF I haven't been asked or it not something on our divided up chore list. Thinking about this further.....everything on the list is my responsibility....not just the ones on my list. If I see I can do something right in front of me that I know she wants and it's on her list...I can just do it without hesitation. Not for praise...because it lightens her load.
The problem with a person who feels like they have to do everything already from the past....they're not even thinking about the parent child dynamic as it something she's always done.
As I mentioned before....I walked into the parent child dynamic from day one when I arrived. My intuition was accurate...she's been doing this the majority of her adult life.
This makes it easy for me to see exactly what I need to do and I actually had started it already in some ways. I've been doing some things right...and other things wrong.
I noticed even yesterday...instead of telling me what to do ( the bossy ) she started asking me instead. This feels much different. And of course, my answer was yes. She's asking for help, without asking for help. I'm seeing this now more clearly. People who have trouble asking for help, will do it every way BUT.....actually asking for it. I understand this. And I now understand this is what she's doing.
The part two of my hearing aids and Bluetooth....I can't hear her asking for help...when I can't actually hear anything. Thats a big deal. I know this now.
This is a good start I think...but there's a lot more I need to do.
J
