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Good Evening,

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD in the last year and a half. Due to numerous other ailments that are finally diagnosed and being treated, she is not currently on ADHD meds. She has taken antidepressants in the past (that I am adamantly against due to side effects).

I have joined a few ADHD spouse groups and have found them to be pure depression! I can identify with other's experiences, but everything looks dire for everyone with divorce or extreme submission to the disorder (giving up all my needs) being the final options.

Anyone else following the work and outputs of Dr. Ramini? Specifically, the few podcasts she's put out with Mel Robbins? I know there's a blog post on how to not confuse narcissism with ADHD behaviour/symptoms, but man, when she speaks, I feel like most of what she says can be applied to our situations but really, the only option is to leave. And that makes me so sad. 

I have one recurring thought about honesty and am trying to make sense of it. The problem with my ex-husband now, is that I feel he hasn't been emotionally and intellectually honest. Irrespective of ADHD/non status, isn't honesty a basic form of respect that we owe our life partner and ourselves?

Or is honesty just another thing that makes sense to me, but an ADHD mind doesn't register?

I get it, I really do - but the comment approval process is proving a bit of a frustration for me at the moment lol and I imagine will do for any other ADHDers coming in to this site to try and earnestly engage

I was pretty happy to just grin and bear it (and still am for the most part) but I commented on a post last night and, it got approved overnight but I thought to myself "there's a little more I could add to this actually" so edited the comment, and the edit needs approval. Which is fine, but now the whole comment is gone because it's back in an "awaiting approval" state

Curious if anyone that identified as the Non in this found out or it was suggested to them to get tested to find out if they have ADHD too? 

I think part of the dynamic is when we, the partner without ADHD, imagines that if our partner with ADHD just LOVED us enough and RESPECTED us enough, it would act as some kind of motivator something akin to dopamine or adrenaline or something, to allow them to accomplish what they need to do in order to be good partners and stop torturing us. We imagine that love like a force that can propel them over their hurdles. When that doesn't happen we imagine they just don't love and respect us enough.

My partner who was already diagnosed as a child has now after 20 years together decided that he is no longer the problem. It's me, it is all me and my high standards and expectations. 
This is the new them and they demand to be accepted as is. They are done believing that ADHD is causing our issues and it is now time for me to put in the effort to change and accept. 

If there are any people on this forum who have ADHD and would be willing to answer a question, I just asked it on another thread but I thought I would open it up.

One of the biggest problems I had with my ADHD husband -- and they spanned the gamut of the symptoms and issues -- was his mess. In the end I think it is the thing that just drove me over the edge. Because we live and work together, it was a daily thing. All day. In the end, his RSD also made it nearly impossible to deal with it as he would rage at me if he felt criticized or if I was at all irritated.

So, I posted here last week about leaving my ADHD husband. I was staying with a friend. After some days I met with my husband to talk at a cafe. It was a very hard conversation just like every other one we've ever had. He was angry and defensive and blaming. But in the end he softened up as he started to understand that he did not have to blow up at me, yet again. And he realized I was serious about leaving.

I just posted a reply in "can ADHD make nons too empathetic" but, tbh this is something I've been trying to clarify my thoughts on for a little while and been meaning to write a topic about - somehow it all came together in response to Swedish Coast's topic and figured it was probably worth a separate thread (feel free to delete/not approve that reply if needed - also I've no idea what to categorise this so apologies if the category doesn't fit!)