Forum topic: if your non-ADHD spouse doesn's believe or understand your ADHD?

Mon Aug 22nd, 2016 - 4:10pm by USAF Civil Servant

Forum: 
Support for the ADHD Partner

I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but based on my life history and my neuro-psych testing results "ADHD - highly probable", i believe that i have ADHD (inattentive).  My wife says that i don't try hard enough, that i'm not pulling my weight in the marriage.  She doesn't want to pay to have me tested so someone can us that i have ADHD, because i won't follow thru on anything a therapist suggests (go figure!).  She doesn't really understand ADHD and doesn't want to learn about it.  She says that i am just using it as a "get out of jail free" card when i neglect to do something.  What have others done to get their spouse to understand?

Comments

Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on Mon Aug 22nd, 2016 - 7:57pm

Regardless of her reaction - you can still do what ever you can to improve yourself and learn how to manage your tendencies. Maybe you need to SHOW her that you are working on things? She might very well be past the point of taking you at your word. I know that is where I am at with my soon to be exhusband. If you have not read Melissa's book - do it as soon as you can. And ask your wife to read it too. That doesnt require a commitment further than reading. And she might not at first, but if she can see you taking charge to manage your own issues - it could get her attention and give her some hope. Denial on any side is a very serious issues (be you the ADHD/ADD spouse or the non). My H is in not in denial - he just doesnt want to put in the work to manage. its easier for him to run - so that is what he is doing. He hasnt read a single book or article. (though he liked to lie and say he did). You will need to make sure that anything you say you do. Period. Start small. Say you are going to do the dishes and then DO them. If you have to put post it notes all over the place, create alarms on your phone - what ever you have to do - do those dishes. One task at a time, one day at a time. Absolutely follow through on everything. You CAN do this, but it will be hard. If you read the stories of many spouses here, you will see alot of hurt and anger towards ADHD/ADD spouses that talk a good game and never ever do the work. Dont be that guy. You are already leagues ahead by coming here and seeking help and advice. You will find friendship and support here, and sometimes even "tough love" so to speak. Keep your chin up, follow through and read that book. YOU CAN DO THIS. And if she DOESNT come around (honestly it could well be past the point of no return - but you never know). You will have learned how to manage your symptoms which will ONLY help you in life in all other aspects including other relationships.

*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on Tue Aug 23rd, 2016 - 9:05pm

You need professional diagnosis. From someone who will do the formal, full testing, and is trained in ADHD.  You need to know who you are.  I tend to put a lot of stock in what people sense is possible about themselves.  But you need to get from good guesses to knowing.   

Your wife's doubts shouldnt stop you from finding out who you are.  

Best to you.