Forum topic: Relationship Destruction

Fri Feb 1st, 2008 - 8:50am by Daisy

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
I've been married to my husband for a year and a half. I'm 22- he's 23, no kids (ever). We've been together over two years. I have ADHD and Bipolar- but only deal with hypermanic symptoms that mirror ADHD. I take Vyvanse along with a mood stablilizer and an anti-psychotic. No alcohol or drug use, I've been completely stable for almost a year. Before my husband, I could only stand to be in a reltionship for two or three months before I had to abandon ship because I would literally wake up and be completely disgusted with my partner. And even if I was in a relationship I always cheated. And the relationship with my husband was no different. In September I became aware of his infedelities, and behaviors that made me physically ill. We split for two months but reunited because I honestly thought I could see through his flaws and that he would change. There was a short period I had that flutter of love inside, but it was very short lived. The past month I have been sleeping in the living room. I am on my laptop 12-16 hours a day and rarely talk to him. I can not see myself with him sexually ever again. I want out. Since mid-December I have just created this complete dislike for him. He want's couples counseling and thinks I need new medication. I am finally breaking out of a social shell and getting out of the house. So, is this a common pattern of not being able to commit? Am I always going to grow completely hateful of the relationship I have with my significant other? Should I bother with couples counseling based on my past patterns- or is it worth a shot? I honestly don't want to save this, I have a level of resentment and sourness that makes my mother laugh and ask "Why are you still married?"

Comments

Submitted by chinesebob on Mon Feb 11th, 2008 - 8:08pm

I think it is. It's hard to live life in between the drama of highs and lows in a relationship. When I was in my 20's my mom wanted me to be settled so desperately. She said if I could date anyone for longer than 3 months I should marry her the second it happens. I looked for excuses. I felt crushed by the thought of no more choices. It was so hard. With ADHD it's less of a phase than a way of life. It doesn't mean it can't happen. You have to pay attention to how your brain works in these different situations so you can intercept the signals before you act. It can be hard. It can destroy relationships either by a wrong word or by an impulsive action. Infidelity is a tough nut to crack and if he's not committed to you then overcoming will be a challenge. I can't give you any advice on something like this other than to unplug from the computer. You can't reconnect emotionally and physically if you are connecting somewhere else. Technology is an escape for the ADHD mind. Take a step back, breathe deep and figure out what you're going to do. Some people might tell you to bail, while others will tell you to hold fast. You are the only person who can decide what's right for you in the long run. Having gone through a similar experience at your exact age, I reacted too quickly and landed myself in mountains of debt that remained unpaid for years and almost a decade of distrust in the opposite sex. A little time can save a lot of grief. Listen to your heart. It will tell you what you should do. Then utilize that powerful ADD mind to figure out the possibilities and put a plan of action for whichever course you choose. Living life by learning through others, mistakes, and something in between.
Living life by learning through others, mistakes, and something in between.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon Mar 31st, 2008 - 1:18pm

I like the response of Chinese Bob to your message, and his advice - follow your heart.

First, the computer.  This is doing two things for you:  it is "self-medicating" you - literally.  When you use the computer, particularly for games or things that move by quickly, your brain gets little squirts of dopamine from the activity that act like medication.  Feels good, but is destructive.

The second thing that the computer is allowing you to do is completely avoid any kind of positive interactions with your spouse.  By soundly repelling him - moving to the couch, staying completely attached to the computer - you are punishing him for his affair, providing very fertile ground for your anger to fester, and ensuring that there is no way for your relationship to succeed (thus proving to yourself that you can't stay in a longer-term relationship).

You say that you have "created this complete dislike for him" and I think that this is accurate - you have CREATED a dislike.  It sounds as if you have done everything you can to alienate him - which is an understandable response to pain and disappointment - I can't imagine what it would feel like to believe that I was incapable of having a long-term relationship, finally find one that I'm interested in, then have my partner turn around and screw it up!  Nonetheless, understand that if you can create the destruction of your relationship, you are also capable of creating the resurrection of your relationship.

I would ask myself the following questions:

  • is he still having an affair?
  • has he had more than one, which would indicate that he either doesn't care about you or has a sex addiction of some sort?
  • why are you so sure you are unable to commit to someone?  (You're only 22 after all.  I didn't have a relationship that lasted more than a few months until age 29.)

Affairs are very, very common in the first five years of marriage...which doesn't make them any less painful, but does mean that many couples figure out how to deal with them and put the pain behind them.  Since you've cheated yourself, you probably have some understanding of the complexity of cheating - and that lots of times cheating is a symptom of something completely different from "I don't love you".

I suggest you consider getting some counselling for yourself so that you can get past the well of anger and pain that you are holding on to.  I think that this will do several things for you - it will allow you to understand what has happened to you without personalizing it, will help you get past your anger so that you can deal with your husband more successfully, and help you see in which direction your life should head now.  Counselling may help you better follow your heart in a way that doesn't leave vestiges of self-dislike (which I sniff here in your entry) or man-hating.  Once you've had a bit of your own counselling, you can make the decision about whether or not to invest the time, money and energy needed for marriage counselling.

If your husband has had more than one affair he may be showing signs of sexual addiction, for which he may wish to look for help, too.

Oh, and to answer your question about whether ADD people have a common pattern of not being able to commit - ADD people are easily distracted, but many of them commit deeply to others.

Melissa Orlov

clancy's picture

Submitted by clancy on Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 - 1:11pm

I came to a realization the other day that for the last few months I was logging on to a site because it was a great way to avoid having to complete or withdraw from a huge project I had committed to for the last two years. At first it was fun but then i began to see that it became a compulsion and was interfering with my work as well as my personal relationships. I've begun rereading Dr.Hallowell's Crazy Busy book and clearly see that I was using the computer as my "play" but not getting the satisfaction from it as I would from another creative outlet nor was my marriage going anywhere but south, even with counseling. Just in the last two days,paying closer attention to us rather than the computer has decreased the tension between us. And on that last thought I'm getting off this computer.
clancy