Hi. I (30M, diagnosed ADHD) and my girlfriend (36F) have had multiple arguments over this and I want to see if I’m being unreasonable. For background, my girlfriend and I have very different "social battery" levels, with her almost constantly having plans and me wanting a lot of alone time. We frequently butt heads regarding this and I usually end up having to go to every event unless I'm ill (which does happen frequently - I also get migraines once or twice a week).
For the past month, I’ve had very little alone time due to a combination of multiple trips and work. I flew to visit my sister and infant nephew for a week, came back, and then a few days later my girlfriend and I left on a two week trip that my girlfriend planned to visit her relatives across the country as well as a week exploring a rural area. When we came back, I had to work for several days, and then on the Saturday after returning we had to drive to her parents house to pick up our dogs (which they were very kindly watching during our trip), which took up the whole day.
On the Sunday, I wanted to have basically a day off from doing anything, because I haven’t been able to for several weeks now, however my girlfriend had RSVPed to two separate pool parties for two of her friend’s children that would take up all day. When Sunday morning came, I was extremely irritable and snapped at my girlfriend about something petty. We had a huge argument and ended up both being upset for the first party. When we got home, I basically went into a full shutdown mode and cried for the entire time before we had to leave for the next party.
A few days ago we argued about this again and I told her that 1. I need some days to myself to recharge, more than most other people do and 2. it’s unfair that I don’t even get a choice whether to go to events like this with her friends or not. I told her that I want to be able to compromise on going to these events, because sometimes I do just need a break. She told me that I don’t get a choice for these events because it’s important to her that she and I get to spend time with her friends. She also reminded me that her ex never went to these events with her, and that she was not willing to be in another relationship like that. At this point, I exploded (which I admit is wrong). I told her that I haven’t been able to see my friends for an entire year at this point because we always have something scheduled every single day off and that the friend group we were seeing that day barely even treat me like a person when I’m near them. She gave me the silent treatment afterwards and I apologized the next day. She agreed that that weekend we wouldn’t schedule anything and I’d finally have a day off. I agreed, but then on Saturday she demanded we have a date night and on Sunday she wouldn’t leave me alone all day and complained when I kept moving to another room. She also got upset when I went to my PC to play games with my family.
To be honest, I’m reaching my wits end with this. I’m now running on 5+ weeks without a single day to myself and am at my breaking point. Any insight from those who've dealt with similar in the past would be super helpful, from both sides.
Comments
Downtime
You both clearly have different tolerances/preferences on social events and it can't all go one way. I think she needs to realize that these things aren't as rewarding for you and that you just need more downtime (same here - I was worn out reading about your social calendar!). She doesn't need to sit home, but maybe she could accept that she goes to half of these things on her own. Then you both get what you need. Sounds like you've already tried to explain your needs, so you may have to dig your heels in and draw a boundary. "Sorry, I'm not up for that this weekend and you RSVP'd without asking me. I'm not going, but I fully support you attending." It won't be pretty at first, but she can't physically drag you out of the house.
From a non-ADHD Introvert
Set the boundaries now. Obviously, this will take communication and compromises from you both, but you need to be calm and clear about needing down time, and assertive enough to just say no when it's too much for you, no matter what kind of pressure she puts on you, and she needs to be respectful of your no. If she cannot respect NO as a complete answer, beware! It took my husband YEARS to understand that I "people out" much more quickly than he does. He would get soooo mad at me and there were ugly, damaging fights bc he refused to accept me saying NO, and a lot of times I would eventually cave and go along if he pitched a big enough fit just to prevent it escalating. I wasn't firm enough with my boundaries, and he refused to respect that I meant what I said. I still can't convince him to take separate vehicles to events so I can bow out when I've had enough and he can stay as long as he likes - which would be the ultimate compromise - but he is finally respecting my NO enough to not pressure me when I don't want to attend something. He'll often go by himself or take whichever of the kids that want to go with him, and that has been very helpful in preventing conflict between us.
EAB
Introvert/Extrovert
Even if you enjoy socializing some of the time, it sounds as if there is more introvert in you than your partner. Introverts get their personal energy regeneration by having down time. Extroverts from being social. Neither is better than the other...just different. The way I would approach this is with some combination of the following:
It may be that you want some professional assistance with these conversations. Given the parameters, my guess is that it wouldn't take that long to get a lot of this straightened out, and that you would have a much stronger relationship as a result.
Good luck!
That doesn't sound good. Me
That doesn't sound good. Me and my wife (adhd) are both introverts so we both need alone time and time at home. Now and then I want to do stuff and there have been a lot of arguments from her side about going out doing things but she has now started to compromise. We do have a lot of alone and home time too. You should definitely not have to do everything. She needs to find a balance between her ex not wanting do to anything and you having to do everything.