Forum topic: NEED help now Wife with ADD

Wed Nov 12th, 2008 - 3:40pm by JimP0222

Forum: 
Joy in Marriages with ADHD

Me and my wife have been married 12 years and i am lost she found out she has ADD i am like ok that is what the Doc says less go with it. she can not keep anything organizied before she started the medicine. things seemed to get better even with sex everyone would say that is great. but here is where it goes off the track she does a lot of research on her side with ADD but does not see my side i say something and she gets a whole another meaning out of it. i told her not to blame everything on ADD or her past but accept some responcibility just like it says in the books she gets i don't support her. how did that happen. well i have kept us together all these years and i really don't want to lose her but to be honest with all of this i am running out of steam. if things are not done the way she has figuired it out or excatly like the doctor says do something i am the worst person in the world and don't care even though she does not see me trying another problem with ADD. i can not measure up and she will not try to see my side how do i work to help fix an invisable problem especially when she will not even let me try. she says her brain does not work a certain way but after doing my own research that is not intirly true. it really seems like she wants to push me away instead of us working on it together. medicine is a tool not a cure. the other part is for her to work at it and try. when willshe try to work to understand my point of view and how i feel. i have done all the carring for this family i am just asking for someone who will not always try to see something that i am not saying and listen to what i am trying to tell her about how i feel. PLEASE Help

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri Nov 14th, 2008 - 9:47am

If you can afford to do so, I would suggest you consider getting some sort of coaching or counselling help for your issues.  There is a period of adjustment after an ADD diagnosis that can be difficult for all - things start to change for the ADD spouse and you say that your wife can now focus better.  But there are many things that won't change for her quickly.  Even if you are both reading books and talking with doctors, the process that each person goes through is one of experimentation.

I'm not sure if the issue is that she thinks that you are trying to tell her what to do, but perhaps you can ask her - what, exactly, is it that I'm doing that is bothering you?  When you listen to her answer, try to put yourself into her shoes as someone who has struggled for a long time and is now faced with both new options and new unknowns.  It can be exciting AND overwhelming and change won't come right away.

You may have been in a pattern of supporting her in a certain way (you say holding things together).  It may be time for you to figure out what YOUR new role is going to be here as she becomes able to be more independent.  Again, a counsellor or coach might be able to help you figure this out.  When you say you are trying to tell her how you feel in the urgent way that you write it here my first instinct is to think "wow, there is a lot of stuff here that this person is trying to communicate...but maybe that seems overwhelming to his wife".  Can you find someone else to talk with so you can hone your ideas and make them less overwhelming before you approach your wife?

Also, being on meds doesn't mean that your wife will suddenly start doing things like a non-ADD person.  She won't suddenly start to look or act like her non-ADD friends and neighbors.  She'll retain her own quirkiness and her own approaches.  Likely, she'll approach problems in a less direct way than you might.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that now that she is starting to deal with her ADD you should be able to direct her to do things a certain way.

See if you can find a bit more patience while you both go through this period, and try to support her by celebrating with her the victories she does have.  There will be some, and she'll appreciate that you see the positives while downplaying the negatives.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Jan 21st, 2009 - 10:54pm

If you're unhappy with your wife or your marriage, then don't stay. Even with medication, your wife will only improve so much at once. It will take her several years to make even greater strides. You are not obligated to stick around or wait for her. She needs to learn how to be a Big Girl and adapt to the world. Too many ADHD sufferers are wrongly told that the world should adapt to THEM, as if the world should revolve around the minority of those with ADHD. I'm a woman who suffers with ADHD myself, and trust me IT IS NOT A GIFT. IT IS NOT A BLESSING. It is no different than having an impairment such as cerebral palsy (which I also have), epilepsy, or manic depression. She needs to find how to fit herself in the world, because the world will seldom adjust for her. You need to accept her AS SHE IS RIGHT NOW. Don't believe the crap you hear on ADHD sites that say it's a benefit.

Submitted by Melunie (not verified) on Sun Feb 1st, 2009 - 2:32am

In response to Anonymous, While you may feel like the world has stepped on you, that you "suffer" from ADHD and have learned to be a "Big Girl", reading between the lines tells me that you are very lonely, have been hurt tremendously and feel unlovable. I too share ADHD and have as most adults grown up with many disappointments among many joys. However, it took me years to be able to focus on the positive things that have happened to me in order to change how I felt inside about myself. Self pity and being a big girl, putting a crust on the outside so we can't be hurt, isn't what we are to learn from what we have been dealt with in life. We still have the option, ~ the choice ~ to love, to feel joy, to be happy, and to be a part of society as the individuals that we were created to be. We are not outcasts, nor are we truly part of the mainstream. However, how many people that have disabilities far greater than we, have become hero's, 'Radio' for example, or more recently the kid at the high school who made the 3 point jump shot? As far as adapting to the world, well we have been trying to do that since most of us came out of the womb. It has been struggle after struggle and yet we persevere. And the world has made great strides in making adjustments as well. We now have handicapped washrooms, wheel chair access in all State and Federal buildings, curbed corners, buses with wheel chair access, the American's with Disabilities Act, need I say more. It's a 50/50 shot at trying as I see it. So, to the Man who started this post, it is obvious that you love your wife and that for many years you have given more than your 50%. That undying love is rare and hard to find. Too many people forgo their marriage vows, to love, honor and cherish until death do us part, in favor of a quick fix or instant happiness when times get rough. It seems to me that this diagnosis needs to be looked at as a blessing and not a death sentence to your marriage. Life is about growing, learning, adjusting, and starting over. This happens whether or not you are in a relationship with an ADHD person or someone who is "Normal". Having ADHD and being undiagnosed for many years, yes it can be a blessing to find out that there is a real answer as to how we have been feeling all of our lives, it can be a piece of freedom that comes with understanding, and more than not, be the scariest thing ever to discover. You see, we have been trying all of our lives to find out "why" and can't seem to make sense of the fact that most people only see the outside of us, not our hearts. That they hear words we say, but don't look at our actions, or vice-versa. All we know is that we are mis-understood most of the time and live a life full of frustration that we don't understand. It never came to our minds that it is actually our brain that thinks differently, so we do tend to try to place blame on others in order for us not be caught up in self pity, feelings of not being good enough or worse, that there is something actually wrong with us that makes us unlovable and we can't do anything about it. We try too hard or we give up completely. There is no middle ground or middle of the road or even center within us. It's all or nothing. And trying to explain to us that we "shouldn't feel that way", that we "should" do anything other than what we are currently doing is like telling someone that they aren't thirsty after crossing a desert without any water. We can't change the way our brains work, but we can change the way we interpret what we think and act differently to it. Think of it like seeing something that is purple, but to a color blind person it will never be purple or blue but only red. You can't change the way the color blind person sees it, but they can recognize that when you tell them this color or shade of red is purple next time they see it they will tell you it's purple. I know this first hand as both my brother and my cousin, both second sons of daughters from a father who was color blind, are color blind. And as much as they had fun with me, pulling my leg because I was so gullible as a child, I got back at them by telling them bright purple was really red. You can see the fun we had in our family... And yes, it will take time for her to make adjustments in her life. She is seeing a world that is much clearer to her than ever before. However, it does not mean she is perfect, who is? I believe counseling would be more of a need for both you and your wife, then trying to run away from perceived fear based issues. I can only empathize for you in regards to living with her all of these years going through all the ups and downs not knowing why things have happened the way they have. It would be impossible to say, put yourself in her shoes, as no one person has the same feelings, thoughts or ways of looking at life regardless if they have ADHD or not. But I can tell you, that clarity will bring consistency. It will bring about subtle changes that need to be cherished and rewarded. Think as if your wife is a kindergartner learning for the first time what a social environment is, what being in a pseudo mini society is within those four walls of a classroom. It's pretty darn scary! You have to learn a whole lot of new things all at once and for the first time are being compared to others in a group environment. The learning curve is one that needs to be seen as a squiggly line really. Take for example: You learn that you shouldn't pick your nose in public, but when it itches what do you do? You scratch it! My Grandmother saw this as an opportunity to teach me about handkerchiefs. I have carried one with me since that time. I have also shared this with others and have been thanked by far too many parents and teachers than I can count. And every time I see one of my HK girls, they make a point to show me that they have theirs with them at all times. Some of them, yes have ADD/ADHD and some of them do not. Yet they all learned at their own pace, but they learned. I'm not saying treat your wife like a little kid, but instead look at her small accomplishments and treat them like she just got an A in Biology or Algebra. Do not coddle her, but praise her when she notices that she's making steps with her behavior or changes the way she handles situations. She may instinctively say don't be silly it was only... but inside she is jumping for joy that you noticed! Everyone whether they have ADHD or not needs a cheerleader who just sits back and accepts you with all of your quirks, praises you for your accomplishments and holds your hand when you aren't feeling well. Living with ADHD can feel like you are all alone in the world, that nobody really cares and this can lead to us just wanting to give up and not give a darn anymore. I am hopeful that you can see how important you are to your wife, even if she doesn't seem to give you credit or acknowledge your efforts,yet... As little girls we are taught so many false hoods about what life has to offer us. The fairy tales that talk of our gorgeous Prince Charming, our Rescuer in Shiny Armor, Our One True Kiss that will wake us from our deep sleep. However, instead we tend to focus on the fact that we feel ugly inside, for no reason, that we are unlovable, for no reason, that we can't do anything right, for no reason, and we so we hang onto the castle idea that if we build our walls tall enough or thick enough that we will be forever protected from all the things that hurt us, for no reason. But instead, we become prisoners within our own walls, deep pits of self loathing and continue to dredge in the mire that we think life is all about wondering all the time how on earth to become Cinderella and find our way to the ball. Shawshank Redemption is one of my most favorite movies because it is about a guy, unjustly accused and thrown in Jail for something he did not do, who is then forced to do the things he would never have done, only to chip away one rock at a time the prison walls that kept him inside. And through it all he uses his gift, which became his curse, to overcome the evil that wanted to keep him restrained. This is what living with ADHD is like in my opinion and like the wall, with the "pretty facade" that hid the secrets, once he got through, he was free but had no idea as to what to do. It was only with the help of a friend that he was able to find a path and reach for his happiness and find his happily ever after. Be her friend and help her out by keeping her tools within reach and when she is too tired to pick anymore, just hold her tight and let her know that you are the secret in her life that will help her reach her happiness and happily ever after. And that is not a fairy tale but a true tale of unconditional love and helping her become the Cinderella that she has searched for all her life.