Forum topic: Just found out I'm pregnant and flipping out about my relationship with ADD partner

Please have the baby. I don't say this for any pro-life reason but because you are 35. If he wants you to wait for his schedule, you'll be 38 at best (if he finishes school on time, big IF with an ADDer) and the older you are the more likely you are to have fertility issues or a child with birth defects. If you want a baby and can support one, have it! Don't let being a mother be one more thing he takes away from you.

That being said, I don't have any idea how to get your guy to be less self-absorbed and more supportive of you. If someone finds out, will they please let me know?

I am totally pro-choice and I agree with the above poster, have the baby. Not only are you 35 and dangerously nearing the point of no return but you will resent him for the termination, most likely leave him and never forgive yourself for not having the baby (assuming this is something you REALLY want).

That being said, I also think that you taking care of him and how he wears you down will take away from you being a mother. I think you should have the baby and leave him. He needs to learn to take care of himself and your life has 100% become about him and his needs. Where are you in all of this? Also you call him your "partner". I am assuming this means you are not married making it all that mych easier to start making your life about you and your child.

I hope my opinion on the situation doesn't offend you. But as a person who left an ADHDer (and we are both doing so much better since) unless the other partener is giving to the relationship then what is the point. If you terminate a pregnancy all because of his ADHD then maybe you should seek some outside support in your current situation. It seems as if you (as who you are as a person) is totally lost in this relationship.

Just like getting married, getting pregnant suddenly drives home the issue of "permanence".  Somehow everything is different when it's forever.  Except that it's not - it just seems that way.  You are still in control of you, and you are still the person responsible for making your life all that you want it to be.

Here are the "feelings" I get from your post that I would like you to consider:

• You like your partner.  You call him a wonderful person with sparkle, an enormous amount of energy, a great capacity to handle chaos, boundless amounts of affection, and cheerful.  Those are all wonderful qualities in a partner.  However, given the tenor of your message, it sounds as if your decision not to be married at this point is a good one.
• You have ADD "symptom" issues with this man - not enough to have left him already, but things are generally in decline and you are feeling disconnected.  However, that doesn't mean things need to stay that way.
• I suspect, though you don't say as much, that some of his ambivalence about having this child "hurts" emotionally.  You would feel more at ease if he was enthusiastic and had a "let's do this together" attitude.  Instead, you may be concerned that this will be one more example of how he "won't be there for you".  Again, "not there" can be addressed, at least in some ways.  But it takes time and commitment on the part of both partners.  Another solution is to leave the relationship, in which case he's still not there for you, but you have broader options.
• You seem to not fully understand the complexity of your feelings about being pregnant.  On the one hand you say that you "want this baby desperately", on the other hand you are considering terminating the pregnancy in spite of the statistics about how difficult it can be to conceive at later ages and the fact that you might never get another shot at being a mother.

I would unwrap the idea of motherhood from your relationship with this man.  NO ONE is forcing you to "sacrifice yet again to accommodate his issues" EXCEPT YOU.  YOU are completely in control here.  Would you prefer that this child be the product of a very happy, very stable relationship - sure.  Does the fact that you are having trouble mean you must sacrifice being a mother?  No. 

It does take support to raise a child. That support could come in just about any form you can imagine.  Perhaps it will come from fixing up your current relationship.  Perhaps it will come by leaving your current relationship and getting the help of friends and family.  Maybe it will be "buying" professional help (nannies, day care, counseling, etc).  Maybe it will be the help of college buddies who've had families already and understand the complexities and wonders of it all.  Look, even the census bureau has trouble defining what the American "family" looks like these days there are so many variations - if you decide to have this baby, open yourself up to your options and see what support network you can put in place (partner or no partner).

One thing you do have to take into account - whether or not you stay with this man - is that you will likely have to continue to earn money.  This is harsh reality for most, and can conflict with some people's ideas of what it means to be a "mom".  But there are lots of ways to work and still be a successful and happy mom, even a successful and happy single mom if that's what happens.  As a teacher you have the benefit of summers off, decent hours, and having your child at your school some day, which means that you'll get an intimate experience with your child that many don't get.  Yay!

As for ways to feel less resentful and create a relationship in which you don't feel as if you are making all the sacrifices - that will be hard right now because you are so emotionally tied up in this decision.  However, it sounds as if you have the basis for a potentially strong relationship if the two of you can figure out how to live with the symptoms he show.s  A good deal of it comes down to negotiation - what are each of you willing to do stay together?  How seriously is he willing to take your concerns that stem from his ADD?  (You CAN'T do it all - they are HIS symptoms, though you can help.)  Here are some other key points:

• It is not your responsibility to "always give" and accomodate your partner.  This leads only to resentment and bitterness (as you are discovering).  See my post on setting boundaries in my favorite posts area.
• To survive and thrive in an ADD relationship you need to get past this feeling that asking for something is demeaning or devalues you.  Rather, accept that your partner doesn't read emotional cues that well.  That's not something he has a lot of control over (it's in his wiring) and it IS NOT a reflection of how he feels about you.  Find a pattern for the two of you where you can ask for things you need at a time he is paying attention (so you don't have to repeatedly ask) and do something about your request quickly so he doesn't forget.
• Your conversations revolve around him because that's what he's interested in...but it doesn't have to be that way.  Set up a way to communicate "I need your attention now" in a way that he can accept, then GET IT!  My husband and I have set up some cues, which include "Do you have 5 minutes for me now?" or "I feel as if I could use some attention right about now."  He doesn't take this as a criticism, just a stated fact.  So he'll tell me whether or not he can break away right then (or later, and when) and pay FULL attention (the agreement we have is that if he's not in an emergency he'll break away since I've asked him to.)  We've just figured out that this is what I need and when I get these little "attention breaks" I'm just a happier camper all the way around.  If I don't get them things don't go so well because I feel neglected :-)
• It sounds to me as if you would benefit from going through the actions necessary to forgive your spouse for his past actions, and forgive yourself for your responses (it all adds up to resentment).  Those actions include a FULL assessment of who you both are, mourning those parts of your dreams that you both aren't perfect enough to fulfill (perhaps forever), accepting each other and making a plan to improve things.  If you can go through those steps you'll find it easier to "let things go" sometimes, which will create a big improvement for you on the resentment front.
• To get intimacy, you need to get your partner's attention.  This isn't all that easy with an ADDer - it doesn't come naturally (in fact, distraction comes naturally to a person with ADD).  That said, as a couple you can discuss the issue for what it is - getting around the SYMPTOM of distraction.  His lack of attention is probably NOT a reflection about his feelings for you (talk with him about how he feels about you to find out - and to help answer the "should I stay with this man?" question).  Believe it or not, coming to terms with the symptom of distraction is one of the hardest things to do emotionally...for both of you.  It's hard for him to believe that distraction is causing you so much anguish, and hard for you to believe that his not paying attention doesn't mean he's not very interested in you.  Once you have this conversation (are you interested?) and he answers "yes, I love you" then your issue is relatively easy to define - how do we get around my partner's ADD distractability so we can make sure we stay connected AND how do we ensure that I don't start taking his distraction personally again?  For the former, you can schedule dates, make sure you do fun things together, try new things, schedule sex (doesn't sound sexy, but that's the deal for most ADD couples), take up hobbies together...there are many things you can do to spend time doing things together that are fun and reconnect you.  As for the latter issue, that's one of internal balance for you...and for having him be open enough to talking about his ADD with you that you feel comfortable that when you go to him and say "I'm feeling left alone again because you are distracted" he will respond by putting his arms around you and telling you he loves you rather than saying something like "well, that's your problem".

So those are my thoughts.  As background, I, too, am pro-choice - I believe each woman should be able to control whether or not she has a child, and when.  Yes, I terminated a pregnancy when I was young and that was the right decision for many complex reasons.  I also have two wonderful kids, and can tell you that my life is a bazillion percent richer because of it.  Only you can make this choice - but don't connect it to your current relationship.  Make your choice because it is the right one for you.  Your relationship doesn't force you to make any specific decision.  Only YOU make that decision.  You are a stable, thoughtful, employed, person who is perfectly capable of taking on the challenges of motherhood should you choose to do so.