Forum topic: "It just so happens that your marriage here is only MOSTLY dead..."

Fri Jun 22nd, 2012 - 8:52am by Pbartender

Forum: 
Progress You are Making and Hope

"...There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive."

A month and a half ago, before I was diagnosed, DW was ready to move out and get divorced.  Finances prevent us from doing that for the next year, and she moved into the spare bedroom instead.

In the meantime...

  • I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I now understand what had been going wrong for the last 14 years.
  • My doctor and I are experimenting with medication...  We haven't got it quite right yet, but I can already tell the difference.
  • This week I had my first session with an ADHD coach...  We talked about what I'm already doing right, and I what need to work on.  She's coming up with a plan, and we dig in next week.  It looks promising.
  • DW mentioned that it feels pretty bad right now, but it'll be a year until we can make a final decision about separating or divorce...  but she also admitted that things could change in that time.
  • In passing conversation, DW has been talking about what we should plant in the garden next summer, and other long-range home improvement plans.
  • We can sit and talk again, and have a good long conversation about how our respective days went.
  • We can still laugh at the same jokes.
  • Though she's been physically and romantically distant, she gave me a hug on Father's Day.

Just a little hope that we can build a new, better relationship and breathe life into our marriage again spurs me on.

 

Pb.

Comments

Submitted by ellamenno on Fri Jun 22nd, 2012 - 2:19pm

And work your butt off at all the stuff your coach tells you to work at.

One of the only things that survives in my marriage is a sense of humor.  I still tend to be defensive and feel like DH is attacking me.  The other day DH made a joke an I thought it was a personal attack.  he burst into song:

"you're so vaaaaaain...  I bet you think this joke is about you!"

Submitted by Mara on Fri Jun 22nd, 2012 - 2:32pm

Keep working on it! Do your best. Show her that you really care and that you both can work on this. I'm the non ADHD spouse, I know how your wife feels. When my husband began to work on his symptoms everything changed for us for good. We love each other more than ever.  Wish you the best! 

Pbartender's picture

Submitted by Pbartender on Sat Jun 23rd, 2012 - 11:58am

Thanks everyone...

The "Anger and Frustration" forum was starting to get me down...  and I thought the "Progress and Hope" forum could use a little more traffic.

 

Pb.

Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on Sun Jun 24th, 2012 - 10:10am

Thanks for your post.  Could not be more timely. 

I hope that you continue to make progress.   I just started reading an awesome book, which I feel, compliments Melissa's book very nicely.  It might be worthwhile as you are building momentum here, and it's easy for us ADHDers to get side-tracked, especially when things get a little better, and there's no fire under our ass!  It's called "Understand Your Brain, Get More Done" by Ari Tuckman.  I read a review in ADDitude magazine (actual spelling) which was highly favorable.  It's a workbook (not boring, though) with guiding questions to really help you examine why things go wrong, what's going right, why, and how to change/continue that.  It feels like the missing link for me.  I like to write down my thoughts; it helps me organize them as I can see them.  

Pbartender's picture

Submitted by Pbartender on Sun Jun 24th, 2012 - 11:31am

Thanks for the recommendation... I've got his book "More Attention, Less Deficit" on hold at our library. I don't think they'd have the work book, though.

Looks like Amazon.com has it for just $12... I'll have to order a copy when I get a little spare cash. Sounds like just the sort of thing I could use.

Pb.

Pbartender's picture

Submitted by Pbartender on Thu Jun 28th, 2012 - 7:27pm

Stuff to work on for next time...

Focusing Attention 

  1. Look for opportunities to have conversation with DW.
  2. Make it a point to STOP what I'm doing, and purposefully refocus my attention on her.
  3. If necessary, let her know that I'm interested but I need to reach a break point in my activity, and politely ask her to wait just a few moments until I do.
  4. If she started before my attention was focused, politely ask her to restart and repeat what she'd said.
  5. Steer the conversation toward a less distracting location, when needed.

Memory

  1. During conversations, actively participate...  Ask questions about details to help make them stick.
  2. Especially when conversing about plans, summarize the conversation afterward to make sure I've got it right.

Organization

  1. Explore options for a to-do list, or planning calendar, or something similar.