Forum topic: I feel single within a marriage

I find this a very interesting thread for a whole bunch of reasons, not the least of which is the unspoken gender expectations that seem to be underlying it.  That said, let me see if I can contribute some ideas to think about, though first I would like to say that it's great that you think your husband is a wonderful, energetic man.  That's a good place to start.

You, (Electra125) mention several key ideas that are important to a successful marriage:  financial stability, companionship, kids/dogs/family relationships and easing loneliness.  Maybe I can give you some new ways to think about these...

You are financially stable, but worried about the contribution your spouse is making or, to be more accurate, not making.  Yet you admit that he is working hard at a high paying job.  Hours seem to be the biggest problem - and perhaps a biological clock?  When he IS home, do you spend quality time together, or is he too tired to know you are there?  If it is the former, that's a good start.  If the latter, then that would compound your problem.  ADHD can play a role in feeling lonely in that people with ADHD can be easily distracted, so the non-ADHD spouse can feel ignored, even when an ADHD spouse is at home.  It is important in all ADHD/non-ADHD relationships to make sure you get QUALITY time together that is meaningful and spiritually sustaining to you both.  If that's not happening now, try to squeeze it into his busy schedule by "scheduling" time together - perhaps you pick him up at the airport when he returns from a trip and you take him out to dinner or something, for example.

Did he not have the job when you were dating?  What did the two of you do to spend time together then?  Did you say to yourself "we'll be together more when we are married" and ignore it?  I find it is not at all uncommon that people's expectations change subtly when they get married "okay, now that we're married that means we'll be together more" or "now that we're married, my husband will start to take out the trash (because that's what my father did) or now that we're married, my husband will be able to take care of me financially".  See what it was that you were doing right when you were dating to get around this issue then, and see if you can reinstate some of that into your relationship.  If you were having this problem when you were dating, but you ignored it, then you need to take responsibility for its existence, too (not just blame it on him).

Or, was your husband able to "temporarily" focus on you during your courtship and still do okay at work, but now feels that he needs to settle in?  This would be a case of ADHD "hyperfocusing", perhaps, that you will want to acknowledge as you think through this (people with ADHD generally don't recognize when they are hyperfocusing, and most often can't control it - it just happens)

Or, another possibility - now that you are married he feels more pressure to excel at work to meet your expectations...and therefore is taking on extra assignments so that he can move through the organization faster to please you...

You see, there are a number of different things that could be going on here with the work - things that deserve being discussed in detail between the two of you.  Make a date to talk, and make sure the conversation remains civil, etc.

You seem particularly sensitive to your financial independence and that, I think, is a good thing.  BUT, you also need to be aware that every relationship is about making a series of choices.  You clearly love this man, and he seems to be working hard to hold up his end of the bargain...even though not fully contributing.  It's unclear from your email whether or not you are able to support the two of you if he continues to earn as he is doing, or whether or not he needs to be earning MORE for the two of you to have the comfortable life you envision.  I strongly suggest you don't overinvest in a house at this point for a number of reasons - first, unless you have a pre-nup (or a post-nup for that matter) about your own purchase of the house, it will likely become joint property.  You are, in fact, giving some of your money to a man with which you are currently unhappy by buying a house.  Second, you seem to resent that you are buying the house (somewhere in there, at least) even though it is something that fulfills one of your dreams and this is also not a good sign.  (along the line of marriage being a series of choices, you do have the choice of staying where you were and living on less money for a while...so I'm wondering what the tipping point is for you that you think the house is more important than saving the money...even though buying the house is adding to your resentment...)

Marriage research suggests that the first year of marriage is very, very difficult for almost everyone.  Instead of being this wonderful joining of people who are meant to be together, it is an eye-opening journey into what it means to compromise with another person who may seem to share your goals but whose way of getting there is completely (and frustratingly) different.  You two need to talk in depth about your expectations and answer some questions:

• what do you both want, financially?
• do you both want children (should have been discussed before marriage, but your note is hard to read on this one)
• how important is his job to your respect for him?  Would you respect him more if he were in an 8 hour a day job that earned little money?
• what role does his job play in his self image?  Can he imagine himself doing something different for the sake of your union?
• how long to both of you want to work?
• do your expectations about your future put pressure on him that he feels are too much, or does he share them?
• how much time do the two of you actually want to spend together (some couples don't like to be together all the time - one or both partners feel stifled by too much time together)
• what would a "compromise" look like?  Would it be satisfying to both parties, or would you both end up being dissatisfied?
• how comfortable would you both be with somewhat reversed gender roles (don't pick on me here about my bringing this up - I understand the concept of being equal partners...but have also been around long enough to know that this is rarely what actually happens, and when it does happen it's from careful planning) -i.e. you are the primary bread winner, and your husband is the support person in the relationship?  If you both were comfortable with that, would that further your relationship?
• what's the career path for a successful person in his job?  Will he only be travelling for a short time until established and moved into a desk job, or will he travel forever?  Do the hours remain the same?
• Are there comparable jobs that would also make him happy or that seem to make sense (DON'T quit one until you have the other one in hand, by the way, no matter how eager the two of you may become for a change!!!)

You've been single for a long time.  It's possible that you've built up a "dream inventory" of what marriage was going to be like that is now getting in your way.  That is, you expected perfect harmony right away.  Instead you got reality - a tough job that takes too much time, lonely weeks when a spouse is out, etc.

Also, you may find that your husband is bringing some baggage from marriage #1 that you're unaware of, as well.  Both of these would be very common, but you'll need to talk about them overtly to understand what is going on.  For example, my husband was concerned for many years that I would "just walk out on him", as his first wife had.  Though she had given him, and everyone else, lots of warning that she was unhappy, he hadn't "heard" her, and so it felt to him as if she had deserted him.  This fear that he had came up in strange ways in our marriage for quite a while (until, in fact, we had had terrible problems and I still didn't walk out...so now he believes me).  Sometimes these things are as little as phrases or ways of saying something that is unexpected.  Talk with him to find out.

I want to return to the idea that marriage is a series of choices once more.  Over the years, my husband and I have made many of these (sometimes very major) choices for each other, though always after lots of discussion.  For example, we moved from San Fran to Boston when I wanted to help take care of my ailing mother (less discussion on this one, actually, once we figured out he could stay in his same job while we did this).  I moved out to San Fran originally because he wanted to see what the West Coast would be like to live on.  He has chosen, quite consciously, to earn about 1/3 of what he is capable (based on previous jobs) so that we can have much more family time together and he can have the ability to telecommute in the summer from a different location for over two months every year.  Even though I liked my job a lot, I chose to start working part time when my kids were of a certain age because I felt it was the only way we could successfully hold our family (and me) together.

People make these types of decisions all the time (often an exchange of time for money) and perhaps there are some that will work for the two of you.  They often take time to work through, so don't be too frustrated if you don't find a great solution right away.  It would be a shame if a relationship which sounds as if it has many good things going for it, founders on the time needs of the specific job he currently holds or, conversely, founders on your need for his immediate time at home (vs. giving it a bit more time and being patient).

The answer to the question - what's most important, family time, money, or work - and how do we balance it all - is different for every couple.

Finally, I would suggest you investigate your own expectations for a husband and marriage (and I don't say this in a mean way, only that this is an important thing for every person - and in my opinion, particularly for every woman - to do).  You don't admit to wanting a child here, so it's hard for me to tell if that is playing a role in your eagerness to move forward.  Or if perhaps your loneliness for so many years makes you anxious that you'll be lonely again, and so you are having difficulty enjoying the few times that you have together and dreading what your future may look like in a way that exagerates what's happening now (which might be temporary...I can't tell from your note).

Not much of what you write about sounds ADHD driven, though perhaps some of your anxiety is related to ADHD behaviors or experiences that you don't relate here.  In any event, we are happy to listen and to give you ideas as you wish.  Let us know how you do!

Melissa Orlov