Forum topic: How do you deal with the disorganization?

Sun Sep 10th, 2023 - 3:50pm by Anonymous

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

New here, first post.

Generalized "backgrounds":

Me (non ADHD) - Prior enlisted Marine and member of the International Legion of Ukraine (mercenary). On the go. Highly aware and in tune, very structured and disciplined. Research and intel. Routines are key. Low tolerance for perceived laziness. (Painting a picture of my rigorous structure)

Partner (ADHD) - Computer marketing, works from home. Sporadic, impulsive, impatient. No consistent structure. Diminished attention span (duh). Forgetful, unmotivated, messy, indecisive, highly emotional(ly unstable at times). (Painting a picture of her apparent complete lack of structure)

Some of my frustrations include some frequent fliers around these forums, it would seem.

  • Please do [insert literally anything]. //  Doesn't get done, even after repeated reminders/encouragements.
  • You have to do [insert task] at the same time EVERY DAY! How do you NEVER remember?
  • Knows she could prevent X-Y-Z from happening with a simple alarm or reminder. //  Doesn't implement said alarm/reminder even after we discuss doing so.
  • Starts more projects in a day than I have ever attempted in my life, but finishes none of them. Still insists on starting more.
  • Avoids budgeting and money concerns and makes poor and unnecessary purchases.

My main question is... How does everyone manage/cope/deal with the extreme level of disorganized chaos that is ADHD (in this case)?

I love my lady, don't get me wrong. If I didn't love her, I surely wouldn't be researching how to be better for her. I am just very new to this aspect of life, and it's a literal culture shock to me to know there are such people that exist. I often find myself thinking things like, "How on Earth did you survive this long?". I know it's not her fault, which is why I continue to learn and love. I have to tell you though, after 3 wars over 20 years... this is the hardest battle I've ever had to fight. An "enemy" that doesn't die. It is mindbogglingly difficult for me to adjust to. Any suggestions would be helpful.

 

Troops in contact! S.O.S.

Comments

Submitted by adhd32 on Mon Sep 11th, 2023 - 10:05am

Change must come from her.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior so don't expect much. I am like you in that I am disciplined and methodical, H has no rules for himself or goals to work towards, everything is later.  

You have to be able to disconnect from her and live your own life or move on. If she is willing to work on herself you have a chance.  Sometimes when the word divorce enters the conversation it can be a catalyst to get help, but not always. It isn't about lack of love, but the lack of respect shown to the non spouse who keeps the ship sailing while steering and bailing at the same time.  Consider that this life you have now will remain for evermore unless something, likely you, make a big change.

Submitted by BWRockhounder on Wed Sep 13th, 2023 - 9:50am

I have been with my recently diagnosed Inattentive ADHD husband for 18 years. I come from a very loaded military family. Army, Marine, Airforce and Navy, all immediate and married family, so, I get the regimented style of life. I am a person who is adventurous but I love knowing where everything is. My husband is 58 years old and just got diagnosed 3 months ago.....after I left and said we were going to get divorced. I just couldn't understand the lack of thought process and lack of direction. He is very good at his job and is a gym rat....but can never plan anything. No vacations, no excursions, dates etc. He can't keep up a conversation without drifting off topic or saying he needs time to process the information I've just given him. It took me 5 years to get him to move to a much better neighborhood and 3 years to get him to see a therapist as I knew he had undiagnosed depression. I hate to tell you this, but unless she goes to a doctor and get guidance or even medication, you are going to stay in this mode of your relationship. She doesn't have the ability, without help ( and usually lots of it) to change. ADHD people are neuro-divergent . They literally process information very differently than other people. My husband is now on Adderall and Wellbutin and sees a therapist who specializes in ADHD and depression. This is important that the therapist is proficient in understanding the ADHD brain as it is literally wired very different. My husband is really trying and like you, I still love my partner. But... I started doing my own thing as I git tired of waiting on him to want to do anything. I'm a rockhounder, off grid camper and explorer at heart. I just go when I need to. I started focusing on myself instead of him and his issues. I go walking, eat better and have increased my circle of friends. It's still nit easy and I have to accept that it will never be what I would like for it to be. But honestly, there are alot of people with 'issues' out there and I don't feel like starting over. I love my husband and we are working on getting back together and him retiring so that we can have time together and he can relax more. Good luck to you. Remember, she will not be able to change without help and lots of it. And even at that, she is who she is and it will NOT be 'normal' no matter what.