Hi, this is my second post. My husband has ADHD, we found out a couple of weeks after we married. He was tested but still refuses to accept it. He's not taking meds which makes it very hard to reason with him. My question is how do I act after a big fight? I'm asking because it seems like every approach I tried has failed. Before I knew he had ADHD I didn't understand his behaviour at all. So after yet another fight I gave him the silent treatment. That just made him angrier even if he was the one who did something wrong. I rarely burst into tears and when I do it's not guaranteed that it will melt him down either. Depends on his mood. He basically wants me to take the first step since in his mind i'm always the one that starts the fight (wrong tone of voice, daring to express criticism,...). It can start off by me saying something about him not doing or doing something and he takes it as far as treathening to divorce me or leave me, that he never should've married me, that he's tired of me,....Which takes a simple disagreement to a whole other level where it's not about the thing he forgot anymore but about him insulting me.
But of course since I started to conversation I'm responsible for whatever comes next. Ever since we met all he wanted was to have a baby with me. I hesitated at first cause we had already rushed into living together and marriage. After a year and a half, not planned, I get pregnant. He was estatic when I told him. Crying, laughing, screaming, rolling down on the floor, ...it was crazy to watch but he was happy and that was his way of showing it. First days were heaven. Soon the adhd began to kick in again and he fell back in his old ways. I really thought he would've treated me like a queen at least while carrying the child (first child for him) that he so desperately wanted but no...kept insulting me and screaming at me. Afte the first month i started losing blood, doc said I was at risk of losing the baby.
I told him that but even that didn't stop him. His ex girlfriend had an abortion when she was pregnant with his child and he never forgave her. Matter of fact that's the reason they split up. So I tell him I might lose him if I stress myself too much, he answers "I lost one I can lose two" I was baffled. I couldn't believe that even that didn't stop him. I left the house cause I was terrified to see that even his unborn child didn't have an effect on him. Couple of days later I lost the baby. He cried when he heard the news but I just felt nothing but resentment. I didn't believe his tears but I never let it show. I'm losing track of what the post was about in the first place. It's just that there are so many bad memories, so many painful fights, things he said and done. I know I need to let that go, forgive, but it's hard. I was I could say a magic word that would erase my past with him and start again with a clean and pure heart but that's impossible.
I'm not a stubborn person but I feel I give him too much power by being the first one who asks to talk after a fight. Can someone give me some advice as to what is the best approach?
I must say I'm very thankful to have found this site. We're Italians living in Belgium and here there hasn't been much study done about adult adhd. It was even hard to find a doc that would/could diagnose him.
Anyway...thank you for "listening" I'm looking forward to your advice because this is the only place I can talk about this.
Comments
....the story of my life
....i have my pride too
feather on your cap stella7
For Stella in Belgium
Your story is so painful for me to hear...thank you for sharing it with us. Some of what your husband is doing may be ADD-related. What you write about his comments about your marriage being a mistake may be related to lack of impulse control, which is definitely an ADD trait, as well as what seems to be a desire to fight (and be stimulated...ADD people are often high stimulation people.)
My impression is that there is more than the normal amount of jockeying for position going on in your relationship...lots of comments about how you position yourself to the one you love, seemingly some manipulation on his part. Given when you hear them, the cruel words seem as if they are part of a "I have power over you" attitude (or, perhaps, I WANT to have power over you attitude.) Okay, I'm playing therapist here, and I'm not one. So, here's the best suggestions I can make at this point with the information you've provided.
There is more, but this is a start. I hope you stay in touch.
Melissa Orlov
husband
husband not helping out
Another reader just wrote what her response to how to give up control over things that she cares about (in this case it has to do with kids). Read the first two writers at this post (or were the first two when I wrote this).
It sounds to me as if you need to create better boundaries for yourself. You are stuck in this place where you feel that your husband should be able to anticipate your needs and respond to them, rather than just react to your requests. The good news is this - when you do request help, he gives it. The bad news is this - anticipating what someone needs is not an ADD trait. People with ADD live very solidly in the present (see my blog post on "now and not now") and you can either try to hold your husband to some standard that says that he has to learn a skill that will be very, very, very hard for him to learn, or you can accept that he has trouble in this department and make yourself more comfortable with asking him.
I used to have this same issue, so I empathize with your issue - I hated both doing all the work and having to ask for help all the time. And unlike your situation, lots of time when I asked for help I still didn't get it because the thing I asked him to do wasn't of interest to him. My solution was two-fold - 1.) stop doing all the work and 2.) come to terms with the fact that my husband has lots of great things, but anticipating what I wanted to have him do wasn't one of them. Once I stopped doing all the work - and he had some specific jobs that were ALWAYS his own and that he had chosen out of a list of many (ie. no anticipation needed - they were always his) he actually was able to see without any anticipating what it was that he needed to do. Sometimes he didn't do it on my schedule, but at least he owned it (if he forgets the dishes, I just let them pile up. Eventually they even start to bother him and he takes care of them). To help him remember the shift in duties, a sign might help.
Second, I let go of having to have everything done my way. I don't like the fact that my husband can't deal with visiting his mother, who lives 1/2 a mile away in assisted living. But she's his mom, not mine. I help take care of her as I can, and have stop worrying about their relationship or feeling guilty that her family isn't with her more. I wouldn't have liked it if he were telling me how to deal with my parents, so I don't feel I can dictate his behavior there.
Don't pack his clothes for him for a trip! He's not a child! If he forgets his underwear, figure he'll get to the store while you go to the pool and read a book (or maybe have dirty underwear)! Don't take on buying presents for his family. You're setting him up to fail. What incentive does he have to take responsibility? If he forgets a present for his family, it won't be the end of the world. If they have a question about it, he can work it out with them.
You are only making yourself miserable! Unless you are a saint, you have to resent doing all of this stuff...but you need to understand that you aren't doing it because he is asking you to do it, you are doing it because you feel it ought to be done. But that means that YOU are responsible for your misery, not HIM. You also communicate to him that he isn't adequate when you pick up all this stuff for him. Do you really want to communicate both resentment at having to do this stuff and that he is inadequate? Yes, he responds with anger about you approaching these issues because you are stepping all over his autonomy here - you are trying to force your priorities on him. Better to let up, then when things have relaxed a bit between you, use his honesty and talk with him about the trouble YOU are having not trying to force your ideas and priorities on him. Ask for his input, be honest about why you got drawn into this bad pattern, try to figure out how you got into this bad habit (expectations of what a "marriage" looks like, perhaps?)
Also, you think his loyalty is elsewhere, but I bet that if you asked him, he would tell you he loves you deeply. You are personalizing his inability to anticipate (an ADD symptom) as he doesn't care about you. And personalizing that he will spend time with family or at work as an indication that he likes them better. But as you are doing all of this other stuff - working, and the long, long list of things you resent having to do - are you even AVAILABLE to spend fun, quality time with him???
Please don't think I'm jumping on you here, but you will benefit greatly from an immediate shift in priorities! Forget about the stuff that "has" to be done, and start putting having fun with your guy first and foremost! Don't buy one more card, schedule one more visit, pack one more bag - stop being his mother! Start being his girlfriend again! A good, easy to implement first step is agreeing to spend 10 minutes of each day (before you get up or before you go to bed) just cuddling together and telling each other your positive feelings and stories. If you do this, I think you'll find quite quickly that you start to feel as if you are getting much more emotional support out of this relationship than you were.
Perhaps you are being too independent here. Best of luck,
Melissa
thanks
Hiu, long time ago
are you still married..I read your post today from 2008??? its so much like me..I wanted to know if you are still married to him?
D~
Cause and Effect
I can understand how some of
It's hard to say without her
It's hard to say without her telling you, specifically, what's really eating at her. She has depression, which is bound to make her outlook bleaker than average plenty of times. That's not going to make it any easier.
I can only tell you my own situation and maybe it can give you some concept nuggets to ask her about.
I was once an overly patient person. I really did give others in my professional and social lives far too many chances after a slight. I eventually had to learn how to curb my tendency to move past a hurt and look to the horizon all for the sake of not dwelling on the hurt of the moment.
Today, I am a bleak individual who has little faith in the future. Every set back I encounter - minor or major - is one more brick in the wall blocking my view. The smallest frustrations with my now 2 year old son can set me into a tailspin. I have spent months at a time on the ground, unwilling to get up, because I saw no point in it.
I wasn't like that 12 years ago when I first met my ADHD husband. He was diagnosed only a few months ago. Prior to that, I lived with a man I thought was just absurdly dedicated to frustrating or sabotaging every plan I ever had. Whenever it came to a plan for the future, he sabotaged it. I would try to save money for our financial future, he'd spend it all. On two consecutive times I scrimped and sacrificed enough to save 20,000 dollars in only a handful of months. On two consecutive times, he spent it all in a matter of 2-3 months as soon as the number hit 20,000. (BTW? He's NOT a debt spender. He stops when the cash hits 0.)
The third time I picked myself up and tried it again, he didn't even wait for the account to hit 20,000 before he cleaned it out. He started as soon as it 10,000.For years, I just didn't bother trying to save any more.
I tried to change my career and it involved schooling. He never paid attention to any of my school conversations. He always interrupted my enthusiastic stories to play his video game. He lost his job soon thereafter (not his fault - company went under) and spent several months unemployed. After he became employed again, I spent the next two years trying to go back to school, only to find that we didn't have the money for that semester - because he'd spent it. And he'd talk me out of any further sacrifice I'd make towards it too. He'd confess later that he couldn't bear the thought of my going back to school only for him to "blow it again", so he didn't want me to even try.
I tried go my own professional route when I was pregnant with our son. I took a part time job and saved up towards buying my own professional grade camera. Yeah, you guessed it. He spent that too.
Housework was non-existent, because he wouldn't do any and he would destroy any I did - practically as soon as I did it. As soon as I cleared a surface of clutter, he'd see the open spot as an opportunity to spread out some game materials or things he "intended" to go through. As soon as I would organize his closet in order to get laundry done, he'd destroy the order I just put in place. I do mean within an hour of my completion.
Never mind baby-proofing. I was ill my whole pregnancy and our son arrived early. Nothing was baby-proofed. Now with a baby, I needed someone to care for him while I did the work of removing dangerous items from his space. My husband never showed up to care for him like he said he would. It would take my breaking down into hysterics for him to finally show up, sometime around 5 PM or so on a weekend evening. Then he'd fail to get out of bed or fail to take care of the baby the very next weekend. It went on for 18 months. I had to find a way of doing it while the baby napped and redoing it when my husband destroyed it with some sort of clutter he'd put in the place of the dangerous thing I'd eliminated.
I could go on with examples. Our wedding, more savings depleted, my current attempts to return to school and his constant interruptions while I tried to study, my still on going struggle to make my space happy and safe for my son.
After 12 years of this, I was on the ground so battered that I'd told my husband that I thought about killing us both. I couldn't kill just myself, I told him, because that would mean he was left to care for our son. And I was certain that if he had to care for our son, our son would be dead within the same year. So if I were to do anything of the sort, I'd have to take us both out.
And BTW? I HAVE a therapist. I'm actually not clinically depressed.
That was when my husband finally went for therapy which led to the discovery of his ADHD. It's been about 3 months of his trying to do better, and not really doing much better. At this point, every set back is a conviction to me that it's just still all the same. He will continue to sabotage and/or destroy every plan I make.
My husband feels just awful about what the past decade did to me and my dreams. Since being diagnosed he's cried and beaten himself up emotionally. But, unfortunately, at this time, I'm still on the ground, unable to truly see any clear path. He's aware of why something as simple and as typical as a 2 year old's nap strike will crumble me now. (That was 2 hours that I had to work that are now gone, since I no longer rely on my husband to watch the baby on weekends, so I don't consider weekends available at all.)
I don't know how long you two have been together or if you were diagnosed at a certain point in your relationship. If it is the case that your partner has lived far more years with your undiagnosed ADD than with your diagnosed and treated ADD, it could be that she has too hard a time seeing any future right now. And that part could be scaring her.
Please don't take this as my assuming that your ADD manifested anywhere near as badly as my husband's did. I couldn't know that. But whatever the degree, added to your partner's known depression, it could have inadvertently created a worldview of hopelessness for her which she now fears terribly will return.
Lingering effects
As the non-ADHD spouse, it is the effect of constant discord or lingering issues that make sit hard to let go of something your adhd partner considers "minor." In my case, it is also infuriating that my adhd husband considers some things "Oh, my bad, blah blah" then forgets about it. For example, my husband is HORRIBLE to the point of neglect with paperwork and financial matters. I found a certified letter from the IRS stashed in his car. He went to the post office, retrieved the letter, opened it, stashed it, neglected to tell me about it and then didn't bother to figure out what needed to be done. (Incidentally, it was because he received a 1099 for some contract work. I found that document in a random box of paperwork, opened but not attended to - he did not give it to me for tax preparation and I had no idea the company issued him a 1099!).... NOW, in his mind, it was a minor glitch because he "forgot". I have a ton of extra work to do now, plus i feel like he lied to me. Now, I understand this scenario isn't the same as ruminating over a disagreement. However, he just doesn't understand how I could possibly still be angry, or even bring it up again..... to him it's past, no big deal, no consideration of the feeling of betrayal OR the extra work I have to do..... I don't know if this puts it in perspective for you or not. Maybe you should do a better job of acknowledging how it makes her feel or allowing her to verbalize more often and LISTEN? I'm not presuming to give you personal advice, it's just how it feels in my circumstances. I feel like I have to be guard all the time for "forgetfulness". Maybe she feels on edge, always wondering when instigation will occur. My husband made me feel very depressed over this one incident (one of many) and I had trouble sleeping and it kept running through my mind because I couldn't get my thoughts around the behavior.