Forum topic: "high functioning" ADHD spouse - still making me nuts

Wed Apr 28th, 2010 - 10:42pm by dgr33

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I just started reading these forums - and so many of the problems and complaints I completely identify with, as my husband has ADHD.  He doesn't spend indiscriminately or rack up debt & is very driven, but he's still making me absolutely insane.  He constantly takes on projects that aren't absolutely necessary at the expense of family time, the latest being a house search (we live in a perfectly fine house, could use something larger, but this could have definitely waited) instead of spending time with our newest child, complains about how many things he has on his to-do list, complains that he can't get anything done, stays up all night...ARGHHHH!  What makes this trickier is that he is successful, he does make decisions that in the end, generally turn out well, so he always says, "see, I was right, wasn't it worth it?"  But in the process, he's destroying our marriage.  The most perfect house in the world won't bring back the first few months of our son's life that he was completely oblivious to, and it won't revive our marriage. I am so tired of repeating myself ten times a day, only to have him snap at me when he finally registers that I'm talking.  I'm sick of spending every meal watching him read a magazine or the paper while I feed our baby and 3 year old.  I'm sick of watching our oldest try to get his father's attention while he stares into space. I have to wake him up every morning - even when I was getting 4 hours of sleep due to the baby's reflux, I still had to wake up my husband...and leave the kids at the breakfast table to go back and wake him up again...and again.  Time - forget it.  He operates on his own clock & is chronically late, because I "worry too much" and he has "plenty of time."

The worst is that when I bring these things up, I'm the nag, I have no common sense, am worthless, etc.  I'm really questioning whether this is worth it.  It's been this bad for our entire marriage, with short periods of OK times.  I thought it was better to stick it out because of our children, but I'm starting to wonder whether our terrible example of marriage is really better than having divorced parents.

Comments

Submitted by Ren on Thu Apr 29th, 2010 - 10:31am

I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with your situation.  It's very hard to watch your spouse pay attention to things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, at the expense of things that really matter, like your kids.  And not to mention the help that you need but are not getting.  I also completely understand what you are going through re waking your husband up.  For years I have had to struggle with "negotiating" who gets up in the morning -- even though it fell on me to get up during the night if needed.  He seemed to feel no urgency at all when the baby was crying in the crib or our son was waiting in bed for us to come in and get him dressed.  It is beyond my comprehension.  And he seemed to feel no guilt at all if I was the one having to get both kids up all week and every weekend.  I remember that even after I had our second child and had a 103 degree fever from a post-partum infection, we still had to go "halfsies" on who got up when.  It feels really lonely, when you cannot even count on the simplest give and take that should be a part of a marriage.

For me, the worst was before my husband was diagnosed.  Since he was diagnosed and started taking meds, he has become much more engaged in our home life and in helping, though we still have a long way to go.  Getting up in the morning still is a struggle for him, and drives me crazy.  But his willingness to work on it made the difference between me leaving and staying.

My breaking point came when I realized that I couldn't ake care of three children (including my husband), without help.  I was ready to call it quits because divorce meant that I could simplify my life -- I'd have no help as a single mother, either, but at least I would only be taking care of two children (and get a couple of weekends to myself!).  We "discovered" his ADD at this point.

Is your husband taking meds or willing to get help?  If not, it's hard to see how things will get better.

Nettie's picture

Submitted by Nettie on Fri Apr 30th, 2010 - 7:58am

He's not high functioning. He is high functioning in some areas. I was told that a psych/lcsw can't diagnose something as a disorder unless the patient's/client's life is being impaired by the characteristic. So, your spouse is going to have to analyze, dissect, and improve the areas that are important to being a successful husband and parent, if that's a goal of his. And, you will have to decide if he's worth the work you need to do to live with him and be a co-parent with him.

Submitted by Clarity on Sun May 2nd, 2010 - 1:11am

I remember wishing he would spend more time with them but he was usually annoyed with us so, it wasn't quality time. I would to go to another room to play with the kids and do what I could to keep them away from him because of his irritability. I found it hurtful and if I pointed that out he would tell me I was too sensitive or I was causing trouble again. Even now at times I wish I could spend a bit of quality time with him but, he's combative. The medications he started taking just a few years ago help but it seems like too little too late. Our kids are grown now and I wish I could understand how his behavior affected them. I stuck it out as I really believed it was for better or worse but, I certainly can understand why one would want to get out. It would be interesting to see if medications and good counsel could benefit him. I wish you all the best.

Submitted by plantlover on Tue May 18th, 2010 - 1:19am

One of my biggest challenges right now is that my husband doesn't pay attention to our teenage daughter.  Our other kids are grown and out of the house.  Our daughter is at the age where she wants an involved, caring dad, and he barely notices her most days.  His greetings are perfunctory, and then he's off doing his own thing.  He talks about work all through dinner, so she sits there quietly.  She used to try talking to him about other things, but has given up because he'd give a short response and then go back to talking about work.  I've tried making suggestions to him about spending time with her, or listening to her when she wants to talk, or doing things together.  Now, most of the time, they just irritate one another and go to opposite corners of the house.

I know this is an important time for a teen to have a dad in the home, but I'm not sure it's working in a positive way.  She's having trouble sleeping, is angry with him frequently, and doesn't know how to deal with it.  I'm out of ideas.  Has anyone faced this issue with any success?

Submitted by Clarity on Tue May 18th, 2010 - 8:39pm

with our son. He's 19 and I'm afraid that his childhood has been isolated entertained by me or the tv. Even though my ADD husband told me he wanted a son one day, since he's been born he's been angry and irritated with him, preferring the television over his company. Maybe a few base ball games and some catch but that's about it. It's a role I can't play. Lately, I've been very concerned about my son. He seems depressed. When asked about it he remains short and distant. He is not ADD but I'm afraid for him. He says that he and his friends are not on the same page. His father has no friends, does not attend church or have any hobbies. Unless you consider tv and the internet a hobby. Not the best role model. My daughter was kinda rainbows and unicorns and she definitely had her moods but, my son has been like the scary loner dude. I swear, I've been almost having panic attacks thinking that here I've been keeping it together for the kids but maybe it was not a good decision. I don't know what to do to help him.

It's bad enough when the ADD affects me but, I really hate to see what it's doing to my, kids! I keep trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure that's what it is. Sorry, no success story here yet.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed May 19th, 2010 - 7:50am

I agree with Nettie - your spouse is not as high functioning as you would both lead yourselves to believe. So adjust your thinking there a bit as a start. You are both very different, and clearly you have different goals and priorities. He clearly doesn't fully understand how his behavior (ADHD symptoms?) affect your life and the life of your kids. (According to my husband, coming to understand this is the hardest part of turing things around. After that, it gets easier - even as it remains work) I suggest you pursue professional help with someone who fully understands ADHD and can sort through the "functioning" and "non-functioning" parts to help him better understand how his actions fit into the family. Next - stop taking responsibility for him - it's only making you unhappy. Why should YOU be responsible for getting him up? Let him set an alarm clock and take care of himself in this arena (and others that are parallel situations). You do NOT "HAVE to wake him" - that is only a choice you are making. If he were single, he'd get himself out of bed. Third - reading at the table is just plain rude. Point this out to him and ask for the attention you deserve. Try to share the job of finding conversational topics that are meaningful to you both. (Hint - how many times your son spit up today probably won't be that interesting, even as it describes your own day - one of the very unfair parts of being a mother to young kids.) Fourth - babies. There are a lot of men out there who just don't get into babies (for that matter, lots of women, too). Babies can be demanding, never give you a break, and unfulfilling to interact with for some. Demand that he do his fair share (for example - "I'm going out to run some errands on Saturday afternoon and need you to babysit") or, if you are uncomfortable with him in charge of the kids, hire a babysitter or a little bit of help. Both options are far preferable to stewing about how he isn't interested in the babies and doesn't help out. As for your son trying to get his attention, that's an issue that may also be related to ADHD and might benefit from treatment of some sort (TBD). But don't expect that just because you are interested in the babies - or because you feel that he should be interested in the babies - that he actually is so. (As far as I can see, the media WAY overplays how interested men are in their kids when they are young. I observe that most of the time mom is the primary caretaker, like it or not.) Some men find that playing with KIDS can be fun - they can race cars, go skateboarding together, whatever. I.e. be a kid again themselves. If, as your kids get older, you find this is the case in your house support it. It's better to have that sort of connection (fun) than no connection at all with the kids. Fifth - stop repeating yourself to get his attention. This is called nagging and is always destructive. Get a different system in place (with his help). Figure out if you need a weekly family meeting, or a once-a-day sit down together and talk about top issues, or a whiteboard in the kitchen for important messages, or whatever works for you. As long as you are the "nag" in the household your opinion is too easy to discount. Don't do it. Sixth - start seeking ways that you can make connections together again as a couple. Here are some ideas - go for hikes together (get kid backpacks and put the kids in them). Go to the park for a picnic together, or have a picnic in the back yard. Go to the community pool and hang out with the other parents at the babypool. Get a babysitter and go to a hotel for the weekend - just the two of you and do something on the town like you used to. You get the idea. Right now you are focused on the bad stuff....you need some good stuff. Create time to make it. Seventh - make some agreements around sleep. It sounds as if his clock is what it is. But ask if he'll spend some time having sex with you or cuddling before you fall asleep if you want to (and he can go back to what he was doing). Put a flashlight outside your door so he doesn't wake you up when he comes in. Ask that he do some of those chores while he's awake at night (since he isn't awake in the morning) rather than just watch TV. If it seems that his sleep habits are really unusual, consider asking him to see a sleep specialist - just to check there isn't something else going on. You mention several ADHD symptoms that are getting in your way as a couple and as a family (sleep habits, time insensitivity) but there is more going on. Please consider a good counselor who gets ADD before you give up.