Forum topic: Doing the right thing

Thu Jun 12th, 2008 - 7:04pm by jfd

Forum: 
Communication with ADHD
This kind of goes along with my other post that i put up. How do i get my wife to understand that I really would llike to be with her and enjoy the times that we used to have together before she got tired of me being around her, hovering as she called it. It seems as though everytime i feel that it is going good, i make a "bonehead" move, meaning i can't just be happy with the fact that things are going good and trying to want more. Getting an inch and taking a mile is the term she has used. I am trying to build on everything. I guess that my biggest problem is that i am trying to move too quickly and not give her time to....... not really sure how what word goes there. If I have been hyperfocusing on her, as it seems as that is what one of the, if not biggest issue and now it is to the point where it is not good, would it be wrong to sit down and write a letter or put it in words to give to her about how i feel. I know that she knows but I have the need to tell her. Or would this be a classic sign ( which i think is correct) of not being able to leave it alone and trying to push it. Meaning that i am just going back and repeating myself and going in a vicious cycle. I had this all planned out before but can't how i was going to write it, i think this is pretty good though for now.....Any thoughts???

Comments

Submitted by AmyK on Thu Jul 17th, 2008 - 1:41am

Talk to her as you did in this post first of all.. How do i get my wife to understand that I really would llike to be with her and enjoy the times that we used to have together before she got tired of me being around her, hovering as she called it. Second ask her to give you some signals that you are pushing her buttons before she actually get too upset with you. Third listen to her, and respect what she is asking of you. It's late and I'm rather sleepy but this is what I'd do if it was my relationship on the line. I wish you the best.
Amy K

Submitted by jfd on Thu Jul 17th, 2008 - 7:20pm

I am trying to talk to her, but not so much that it is borderline beating a dead horse with the same questions. I am trying to figure out what questions to ask and to get "signals" that i am OK or crossing the line. This has been a bit difficult. We are going to try cousuling to work this out. I am trying my hardest to do what she is asking, and I think that I am but i sometimes reach a point where I think enough is enough, when do you get to show me that I am improving, but this begs another issue, me being insesure and always need reassurance. All of this I am working on with my ADHD counselor and understanding a bit better. It is taking some work, I just want to see progress. And as a typical ADD'er I want it now and to not wair any longer and move on. BUT I am see that this is not the case and there is no definite time frame of when it will be fixed. Just have to try my best and hope for the best,which i think/hope it will.It is just that it was out of no where, so to speak. A bunch of everything all coming to a head and now wokring it all out.. thanks for the reply

Submitted by AmyK on Fri Jul 18th, 2008 - 12:36pm

I understand your fustration. Maybe the counseling will help get some of these issues under control. I also understand being insecure and needing reassurance and not getting it, personally when I'm in that situation I'm worse because I'm constantly looking for that reassurance(not sure if you are doing that). Learning about ADD does take time and making progress ,sure takes LOTS of time, patient or not you are going to have to try your best to be calm and wait it out. Is there anything you can think of doing that you enjoy and I know this sounds hard, but spend less time with your wife and give her some breathing room? Let her miss your presence. I've done that before and it feels a bit extreme, and gosh it's hard but it worked for me. I'm sorry all this is coming to a head at one time. Btw you're welcome.
Amy K

Submitted by jfd on Fri Jul 18th, 2008 - 7:48pm

I have been getting this under control thru counseling, or should I say understanding it more and the reasons why to back off. My wifes favorite saying is "how can I miss you if you wont' go away". It has always been a joke but there is some trutht to it. My needing for or asking for reassurance was always a subliminal thing for me. Didn't even know i was doing it sometimes or most of the time. It was just asking a question to me, but then i recognize times when I was asking for that reassurance. One of the bigger things issues that I try to deal with and as you said it is hard is the hard I push to get near or get close, try to "pursue" (a good way) her, the harder she pushes back. In other words the harder I try to be with her the more she pushes away. That is what I am presently working on, learning to give space and walk the fine line. It defiantly stinks but if it pays off or works in the long run then that is OK by me. Now that I understand the problem and working on it I would think that it will work. It is just going to take TIME, which I am also seeing. I do beleive the meds have helped tremendously in this area. Thanks for the advice/suggestions, I'll let yo know how it goes.

Submitted by Electra125 on Thu Jul 17th, 2008 - 10:02pm

Hey there, I gather from your posts that you "hyperfocus" on your wife and send e-cards on a daily basis. I also think I read that you are newly-diagnosed with ADD. I'm not sure if you've written more in the past, so I apologize in advance if I don't have the whole story. I have hyperfocused on relationships that are romantic and meaningful to me as well and I have not been diagnosed with ADD nor have several of my friends and family members who have done the same at one point in their lives. In fact, I am extremely organized, able to prioritze, punctual, able to execute, tend not to procrastinate etc. I am honestly not sure if those with ADD hyperfocus on others and relationships as I have often read that it is the relationships in most ADD marriages that suffer as a result of one's difficulty in attending to their partner's needs/wants and often not even recognizing the fact that they are doing so. I don't know why your wife is unsure of her feelings but that is what it sounds like. Perhaps (I am assuming you are a man) that because some therapists might be gender-biased in thinking that attachment issues are mainly a woman's thing, they are attributing your behaviors to ADD. This may not be the case at all! I've many male friends (and some family members who are male) who have done the same thing and have not been diagnosed with ADD. I can't say that the clinginess is wrong. It just is. The bottom line is if she is no longer in love with you, you cannot force that and she shouldn't be stringing you along, but rather be more protective of your dear heart.

Submitted by SunnyNights0909 on Wed Aug 13th, 2008 - 9:26pm

It sounds as if you both are feeding off one another's reactions and its leading you in two seperate directions. Maybe you are trying "too" hard? In my relationship, I can tell when my partner is forcing himself to do something that isn't normal, and it seems as if he is kissing up or trying way too hard. I know that probably sounds confusing, but I don't want my ADD partner conforming to all the things he thinks I want/need. Its annoying when someone trys too hard. No offense. Maybe she is just tired, or needs some quiet time to herself? I know my partner has a hard time reading the signals that I don't feel like talking some times, or I just want an hour of me time. I used to keep it to myself rather than speak up in fear of hurting his feelings, but it in fact made things worse. Maybe you are indeed hovering over her, not only because you love her, but maybe she isn't giving enough time and love to you and the relationship? I'm a non-ADD spouse, and my partner is one who will do anything to make someone happy regardless of how miserable it will make him. While its great he would make those type of sacrafices, if he isn't happy, it breaks my heart to see him sad; therefore it makes me unhappy. I try to build his confidence so that he can think of his needs too, are you meeting your own needs? If you are spending so much energy trying to make her happy, are you in turn doing anything to make you happier with you? I can completely relate with the need to get reassurance, or having a hard time just letting go of something because maybe you feel you need closure to that thought or question. I 100% understand, as I have very bad anxiety and as much as I wish it didn't my mind will repeat things 1000000x over and over and over, until its complete. Its like torture, which is probably why you feel the need to "speed up" the process of resolving things in your relationship. It will alleviate and end that thought and/or worries of the uncertainty. Maybe you can find another outlet to vent your questions and/or thoughts, instead of constantly asking her, such as this forum. I know that it only pushed my partner away when I tried to fix things all the time, and wouldn't let up. Unfortunately there is no answer to what will happen in 10 months, or 2 days. I spent so much energy trying to fix my relationship instead of enjoying it, and life is so short to be constantly stressed or drained. Try to take a day to just have fun together, and not talk about anything that needs to be worked on. Enjoy the reasons why you fell in love in the first place.