I was diagnosed ADHD fairly recently (two years ago in my late 30s). I find that much of the conflict in my own marriage arised from my wife's suspicion that my behavior is poor character rather than physiological. This is of course partly true in this sense: my character developed the way it developed because I had ADHD and was not diagnosed until my character had been formed and reinforced for years. I was ADHD when we married. There was no bait and switch because I have always had difficulties with organization and planning and executing tasks. I am from any "normal" standard quite accomplished despite this fact, although I am not too much help around the house. I add to chaos even when I am trying to fight it. My wife, who is skeptical about 1) the existence of ADHD; 2) my own diagnosis; and 3) my own sincerity in my efforts to improve, thinks that having been diagnosed and prescribed medications I should now have all the good qualities she liked about me and none of the qualities she does not like. Would that this were true -- maybe -- but it is not true.
I am beginning to suspect that just as people who marry alchoholics frequently have their own dysfunctions, so too do people who chose to marry someone with the behaviors associated with ADHD. My wife used to find my befuddled character charming and to like my spontaneous wit and creativity. Now she has to live with the attending down-side. She seems to be more conscious of my failings than her own -- indeed, my failings are somewhat convenient in that they make her own failings and failures seem less bad to her own self-image.
I am curious to hear other people's experience. I wonder if "comorbid" dysfunction is common and whether it has certain characteristics.
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How is this for an ADHD
Hows this for an Adhd...
Laughing out ourselves
adhd and marriage
People choose specific spouse
A True ADD Moment!
That was a REAL ADD moment!
Melissa Orlov
This post touched on the
Wanting to blame others
It is human nature, I think, to want to blame others, not necessarily an ADHD trait. This is particularly true when things get hard, which they often do for people with ADHD.
Blame is a very destructive element of any marriage because it only goes in the negative - nothing is ever gained by blame. You ask how to control your tendency to want to blame others...how I did it was decide that I could continue to blame my husband for what was happening to us and ultimately destroy our marriage, or I could come to terms with the fact that I needed to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop blaming him! Blame is just a way to get out of doing the hard work...roll up your sleeves, though, and get to it!
You need to understand, deep down in your heart, just how destructive blame is, then decide to exorcise it from your relationships. Start with your husband and kids first. Put a sticky note on your mirror that reminds you every morning - NO BLAMING! That way the concept will be the first thing you see in the day. Talk to your hubby about what you are trying to do "I know that I tend to blame you for things that I shouldn't. This is a bad habit that I am working to quit, and would like your help. When you hear me blaming you for something, would you bring it to my attention in as nice a way as possible so I have the opportunity to apologize to you right then?" Then do just that. If you find yourself blaming someone, apologize immediately. Make it a full apology, with no "clarification clauses". "I'm really sorry I blamed you for that. I shouldn't have done that" not "I'm sorry I blamed you for that, but you really were being a jerk!"
Every time you find yourself blaming someone, go away and think about WHAT it was that you were blaming them for and WHY you were doing it. You'll probably find that these are areas of difficulty for you that you need to work on. If they are problems embedded in your relationships, consider asking your husband to explore them with you or, if that makes you uncomfortable, consider finding a counsellor. The point is simply that you need to not only recognize that blame is your problem (which you do) but also that you need to proactively change.
Once you've managed to get blaming your husband under control, then you'll be ready to take on others who will be trickier, like parents (I say harder because I imagine that it won't be as easy to get them to lovingly help you overcome this.)
Remember, as Ned Hallowell likes to say, ADHD can be a reason that things happen, but it should never be used as an excuse. Don't let ADHD be the excuse that you use in your mind to continue the oh-so-destructive pattern of blaming others for your problems.
Hope this helps! Check back in and let us know how it goes!
Melissa Orlov
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Merry Go Round of Denial
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The fact that this is
You Do Deserve Better
Perhaps you can turn his responses to you around a bit. When he says you are "obsessed with his getting medication" you can reply that you are obsessed with having a happy relationship. You think from what you have read and what other doctors have said that medication would help him better control his symptoms but that you have no specific concern about WHAT he does to control his symptoms so that the two of you are able to live together...you only care THAT he controls them.
When he comes back at you with "you only want to blame me - what about you?" you would like to be in a position to be able to say "I have been giving a lot of thought to my own role in our relationship problems and do, indeed, think that I contribute. I am working on changing my own behaviors in X, Y and Z ways".
It sounds as if you have set some boundaries already, as you have not fallen victim to the normal "picking up the pieces" pattern. Nonetheless, take some time to see what else you can do to contribute to a positive future...then insist that he do the same. Know that he won't be able to make the improvements that you hope for if he doesn't have a safe place in which to make them. (Even then he may not make them.)
Having a diagnosis of anything doesn't give him the right to ruin your life. Or, more accurately, just because he has a diagnosis doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. Make sure you are doing the best you can towards him, though. (managing your frustration, anger, harsh words, etc. There is some indication in what you write that you rise too easily to his bait. This means you give him an avenue for passing the buck and blaming you, rather than taking the harder road of looking at his own role.) Next time you are thinking about blowing up at him, remember that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and see if that inspires you to disengage from the argument before it escalates.
Melissa Orlov
People chose a specific spouse
"I'm nothing like you.."
ADHD and More
SOS
Michael....Even though we have never met, please accept a virtual hug from me. Your pain soaks the page and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for writing and sharing your story.
Before you read any further, I want to remind you that unlike Dr. Hallowell I am not a trained therapist. I am, however, empathetic and fairly well versed in the ways of relationships - particularly ADHD affected relationships. What I write here is from my in-depth study of relationships and from my own experience and you should take it as such.
You are right to reach out to people in your time of need. Human connection is one of the best ways to deal with a tragedy like this one. Please stay in touch with your friends, keep seeing your counsellor, and consider a divorce support group of some sort if you feel that you are not connected enough.
You clearly love being with your children - and they need you now more than ever. Please don't do anything to yourself that might hurt them! Consider it a blessing that your wife is so open to a 50/50 arrangement (or more, who knows?). Accept her opinion that she is not feeling up to having them with her more often than half time right now and be grateful that she was willing to be honest about that. You can provide the stability and thoughtfulness that all children need.
It is easy to see that you feel that your wife is the love of your life, but it doesn't sound as if this particular love of your life has treated you very well. Some day, when you are not in the middle of everything, you may develop a different opinion (or not, who knows?) You may long for a reconcilliation, but one thing for sure is that the past is the past, not the present. Whether the reason is an affair, mental illness, or a mid-life crisis, she doesn't seem interested in continuing the relationship and, as unfair as it seems sometimes, it takes two to have one. She has probably been stewing about this for a long time, even if you weren't fully aware of it. Also, the reconcilliation that you long for is a fantasy that wouldn't really be what it would be like even if you did reconcile. You imagine things going back to whenever they were best. In reality, now that you are this far into a divorce, even if she agreed to try again there would be a good deal of embedded anger and other things that would not feel very good to you or to her.
You have another option. Create a life for yourself that makes you happy - just in a different way. It sounds as if that life would include tucking the kids in at night whenever you could, and protecting them (both of which you can still do). What else would a good life include for you (NOT including your soon to be ex-wife)? Would you like stability? Would you like to be with a loving person who could appreciate your loyalty? Would you like great sex?
I was faced with divorce at one point. My relationship went in a different direction, but the turning point for me was advice that I got from Dr. Hallowell that I think is really very relevant for you. He said, "Your life is at a really low point right now. Get your mindset away from a specific solution - like staying married (or in your case reconciling) - and change your goal. Make your goal "having a happy life" and see where it leads you. You don't know where it will go, but you do know that wherever you get will be better than where you are now."
I took his advice and it was a real turning point for me. Suddenly I had a new perspective and an ability to look to my future rather than be mired in regret about how I might have had a different past. Rather than focusing on all of the bad stuff of the past I could ask myself "what do I want? What can I affect?" (The last is important when what you think you want is to reconcile with a person who doesn't want anything to do with you.) In my case I was able to look to an earlier point in my life (my teenage years and early 20s to be exact) and remember that I had been a happy, confident, thoughtful person...a person whom I actually liked. I decided that I wanted to be that person again, rather than the mean, angry and frustrated person I had become. This change in perspective was extremely helpful for my recovery from my pain...and also very important for my happiness and, eventually, my hope for the future.
In a nutshell, I stopped thinking about "marriage" and started thinking "relationship". Your relationship with your wife will continue...just your marriage won't.
You are doing the right things...reaching out for help from friends and professionals. You will want to work through your pain with their help (don't do this alone!). Cherish what you DO have rather than focusing on what you don't have...you have kids you adore, loving friends, etc. Don't dwell too much on acquaintances' experiences with spouses - there are as many ways to deal with divorce as there are people (look at Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, for goodness sake!) Rather than be afraid of it, take a hand in shaping what you want your future, and your kids' future, to look like (I'm not advocating that you suddenly try to get full custody or something, just that you have a say in how your future will go.)
You will continue to have a relationship with your wife because you are connected through your children. You, and your kids, will be much happier if you create a stable relationship with her in which you both maintain respect for each other, but move the relationship to the business-like relationship that it will most likely have to become. Again, it may be hard to think of this at this point, but fights you have now with your wife don't serve much purpose and might put you in a bad position in the future (the saddest times are when one spouse badmouths the other one to the kids). Think "businesslike" and "detached but friendly" and you will likely end up in a better place. Who knows? You may even find that you create a new relationship with her with whicht you are both at ease --- and find yourself at your child's basketball games together (like a divorced couple that I sat with at a game just last week, who then went to take their son and daughter out to dinner after the game and seemed to be having a lovely time).
You're moving into a new world - if you are like me you will heal fastest if you can switch gears from mourning the past to creating a future that has a healthy, but appropriate relationship with this woman you have loved so well. Change your goal to creating a happy life for yourself. You may not see an immediately obvious path for how to do this, but if you are the best, most caring person that you can be, it should become clearer. You won't say this to her, but I think that by moving ahead like this you can still be proud that you are taking care of her, yourself, and your children in the best possible way by doing the right thing towards them (if that makes sense to you).
Very good luck to you.
Melissa Orlov
SOS
Try Again?
Michael - I cannot tell you or Chris whether or not you should try again or keep trying - every couple is different and, furthermore, I don't know you (!) As they say, if I could predict what will bring success (and even, in this case, even what success IS), I would be a very rich woman.
Here is my advice. Be the best person you can be. Show the empathy and kindness that you wish you had shown earlier. Watch and see what medications do for her, if anything, to see if you can constructively help (but don't comment on her treatment - that's her area). Take care of yourself and your children. Continue to stay connected to friends and family who love you. Also, make sure that you are the best, and most caring person you can be with any new relationship you have (i.e. make sure not to hurt someone new in your recovery process).
It is my thinking that your relationship with Chris will find its own balance...and who knows where that balance will be, only that it will represent the sum total of the positive or negative effort that the two of you have contributed to it. One of the hardest things for non-ADD spouses is to come to the realization that they can't force their ADD spouses to make changes - not at all. You have no power what-so-ever over Chris' behavior, only your own. She will need to find whatever it is inside her to move on - and she will be the one to decide in which direction she will move.
It is possible that Chris will come to understand her ADD as well as her other issues (you described many) and decide to work on them in a way that would have made it easier for you two or that will make her interested in getting back together with you. Or, she may not. My point is that you shouldn't pin your hopes on the specific outcome of getting back together. Rather, pin your hopes on an outcome that is as good for you as possible - your happiness. ( And remember that SHE is responsible for her own outcome - not you).
Sometimes, when you get to the turning point where you realize that what you did in the past just isn't who you want to be in the future, you make significant changes in who you are as a person. As I wrote before, this happened to me. I did come to accept that my husband and I might be divorced (he was already seeing someone else, so this was a very real possibility) and it was my acceptance of this fact, and my decision to change my focus from our marriage to being the good person I wanted to be that, in the end, gave him the hope he needed to try one more time (and leave the girlfriend - eventually...but that is another story - no one is perfect on the first try!). My laser-like focus on our relationship - and all its attendant negatives - was in itself very, very hard on our relationship. When I focused on being me it took a lot of pressure off of him! (This was a surprise at the time and not the motivator of my behavior shift - I was just plain tired of being a hag.) He could then step back and say "do I love this woman? (not our relationship) and are my deepest feelings worth taking the emotional risk that trying one more time might entail (i.e. I might return to being a hag and he would have lost the girlfriend to boot...)?" Because I had decided - deep inside - to be a nicer, more empathetic person he could finally see some glimmer of hope. He did, in fact, decide to try one more time...and the rest is very happy history.
I am not saying that you will have the same outcome that we did. My husband does not have the same types of issues that your wife has been dealing with and, even though he hated our relationship, he always loved me to some degree. I am saying that focusing on your own happiness and being a good person is a win/win/win. It is a win for you because it gives you an attainable and very honorable goal. It is a win for your children because you provide a good role model for them and stability in a very tough time. It is a win for your wife because even though times are hard for her you are not contributing further to her hardship.
I'm not sure if that is helpful or not, but there it is.
Melissa Orlov
To Chris
Why I Write
Michael - you hit at the heart of why we created this website, and why I devote so much time to writing on it. There are too many people who can/could save their relationship if they know early on what you discovered so late.
I hope that Chris realizes that ADHD does not mean she is crazy. It is manageable, to be sure. She has a huge advantage over the rest of her family simply because she knows what she is dealing with...and she has someone who seems to love her without reservation and who believes in her.
Don't worry about your kids...as you learn more and more about ADHD you'll know what to look for and can learn how to help them develop excellent strategies for managing their lives and thinking about ADHD if they have it. My rule of thumb is to make sure that you communicate to them what a treasure ADHD can be - that it has both plusses and minuses, so that they don't think somehow that they are "broken".
ADD and ADHD, by the way, aren't different. It used to be that ADHD was the variety that included hyperactivity and ADD was generally the unfocuses, but not hyperactive type (more common in girls). Now, however, the medical community just calls it ADHD, with an innattentive subtype. I use ADD simply as a shorthand.
Thanks for all the nice words about the information on the site...I hope that you continue to come back to the site and also contribute.
Melissa Orlov
Another side: An ADD'r who left her marriage........and why
Thank you
Thank you for taking the time to write this!
Melissa Orlov
Mary the other side