Forum topic: Can ADHD make my husband go back and forth on major life decisions?

Thu Aug 28th, 2008 - 1:55pm by kay

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
I, like many others here, am new to this site. I've been married for less than a year, but prior to getting married, my husband and I broke up shortly a few years back due to him being overwhelmed with stress (finances, family, our relationship, school, work, etc.) but he quickly realized his mistake and asked me to take him back a short time later, and within a few months, we were engaged. He does a lot of things on impulse and without consideration for how they will affect me or make me feel, but I've never thought he did anything intentionally to hurt me, he just didn't think about things. About a month ago he came to me and said he thought that maybe he wasn't ready to be married, which escalated over the course of the next few weeks into him telling me he thought we should separate. In this short time period, he started seeing a counselor who has diagnosed him with ADHD. He's not on any medications just yet, but is seeing someone once a week and says he's committed to seeing him at least once a week for the next few months. Now he's saying he wants us to work things out (we were seeing a counselor together before all of this, because some of his impulsive actions and spending habits were causing a few problems in our otherwise happy marriage), he wants to commit to making change and becoming a better and more balanced person (to say he is obsessed with his work is an understatement). My question and my hesitation in taking him back is that I don't want a life of back and forth with him, always wondering if he's going to wake up one day and want something else. I know he can't promise me and no one else can, for that matter, that that won't happen, but I'm wondering if ADHD (I really don't know much about it, he was just diagnosed earlier this week, but I'd wondered for a while if he suffered from Bipolar Disorder...) can cause impulses so that someone would go back and forth on what they want out of their life and their marriage...impulsive behavior and acting before thinking is one thing...but telling your spouse you want out, you want in, you want out, you don't know...that's another story. Does anyone have thoughts on this yo-yo decision making?? I don't want to try to reconcile with him only to have it happen again in another few months or years when we have kids to consider. He's hurt me very deeply but I still love him and have hopes that things could work out if he stays committed to his counseling and to making those changes he said he needs and wants to make.

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue Sep 30th, 2008 - 10:09pm

I just came across this site today. I don't have much insight to add, but I hope someone responds to your post as it sound very similar to my situation with my new husband. He was told he had ADD in high school and was on meds for a very short period of time but says he never really gave them an honest chance. Now, sometimes he will say he has it other times he will say he doesn't. He was very into the relationship for the first 6 months, then his interest started to drop off. He says this always happens to him in relationships because he gets bored. We managed to stay together and eventually get married. Every time we would come to a point of going our separate ways (not because we really had any big problems, just from his lack of interest) he would want to stay in the relationship and he would find a way to make it a priority to him again (be invested in the relationship). I can't tell you how many times he told me he couldn't wait to marry me and how he was going to propose soon, but it never seemed to happen. Finally when forced into separation (he was deployed) he said he couldn't believe he never proposed and that he wanted to get married when he got home, which we did. Never got that proposal though. ;) Anyway, it's now been almost a year of marriage and on a regular basis he says he feels like he doesn't know if he should have got married, not because he doesn't love me or wants someone else just because he doesn't think he was meant to be married. Soon afterward he always wants to make it work and says that he loves me even though he can't always express it. The constant yo-yo always has me wondering what is real and what is not. He says he doesn't like being this way and I believe that he has no real intention of hurting me and despite everything I do know how much he loves me, which is what made me start looking into ADHD more. We have been to marriage counseling several times but we don't really have many issues other than this continual conversation. And at this last one he was forced to look at divorce as our counselor said there was not much for him to work with and he came to the conclusion that he just needed to get invested. And since then he has been putting a lot more effort into the relationship and paying attention to me more. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I fear it will fade and we will be having the same conversation again in a few months. Anyway, sorry I do not have any insight as to whether the yo-yo decision making is actually related to ADHD, but I hope you find some answers. For now, I am just resting in my relationship with God and trusting Him to show us the way. Best of luck to you and your husband.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed Oct 1st, 2008 - 8:53pm

This makes me want to cry; we are not married or even close to being engaged, but have been on and off for 3 years. I am not sure I can take it anymore, and this site, while it makes me feel less alone, shows me that maybe it will never change. And makes me wonder if I'm brave enough to start all over again...