Forum topic: A bottomless pit

Tue Feb 24th, 2009 - 10:49am by stella7

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I am having a hard time "channeling" my frustration and fears. My husband has untreated ADHD. Since I have found this site I read a lot about ADHD, I feel informed but not helped. During our last fight I compaired my husband to a bottomless pit. The last couple of months, every night, he talked about wanting to go on holiday this summer. When I finally booked the trip I thought that would be the end of his repetitive dialogue about him needing a holiday. It lasted one night. The next day he started obsessing about NEXT year's vacation. We haven't been on this one yet let alone think about the one next year! Same thing with our car. Months and months he talked about wanting to get a new car...everynight the same speech. Finally last month we got our new car. I was relieved and looking forward to not hearing about us needing a new car everynight anymore but as soon as that thought entered my mind he started about 'his life long dream': getting a sportscar. OMG, it just doesn't stop. He's like that with everything. It's a thing he does, he sets a goal and until he doesn't accomplish that goal he is not happy. When he finally does he still feels empty and sets a new one. I think he's tries to justify this 'empty feeling' he carries by comforting himself with the thought that until he doesn't get what he thinks he needs he can't of course be happy.
I told him to live in the moment and not in the future but it's useless.
Is there something I can do to stop these daily conversational routines....i really can't stand them anymore.

Comments

Submitted by newfdogswife on Wed Feb 25th, 2009 - 4:47pm

My husband has similiar traits and your definition "bottomless pit' is very fitting.  At one time, my husband was dreaming big about life in general (drove fast cars, played golf all the time, restored a car from the ground up, go into participating in dog shows, etc.) All very costly, which up us in financial ruin, as we are far from being able to afford this type of lifestyle.  He finally "got it", so far as our finances were concerned, when I put it down on paper, showing him just how much debt we were in.  He stopped living big.  I really don't believe he was that happy because he never stuck with one of these activities for very long.  Got bored.  My husband, now that his costly dreams have been squelched, talks about everything that needs to be done around our house, you know the normal maintenance issues of homeownership.  It's constant and of course, his list is a mile long because nothing got done, while he was out having fun pursuing his dreams.  Only problem, he talks and talks and talks about what he needs to do but never gets to it.  He is truly overwhelmed.  I'm not sure my husband will ever be happy.  His brain is not wired to accept a simple life, with simple pleasures and let reality sink in.  He fights this everyday.

Submitted by Puckmania (not verified) on Tue Mar 3rd, 2009 - 11:39am

Does he get mad and call you selfish if you try to put parameters on those dreams, if only to increase his chances of success? My husband has gone around telling everyone (in a town of 400 mind you) that I am just selfish. That I get mad if the money is spent on anyone but me. That I never do anything for him or his daughter. Keep in mind the only reason either of them have clothing is because I bought it all. They like art and have a nice art studio with new lighting and a new floor and a number of different media to use, thanks to me. I buy the groceries, clean the house, provide medical insurance and pay for medical care... And yet I am the selfish one. He spent 10,000 last year on absolutely nothing. I on the other hand use bargain shampoo, forgo cosmetics, eat broccoli for lunch and pray my car holds together. So, now he is out of work (fired for being a slob), and he wants to open a restaurant. I, of course, put on some parameters, including where he was getting his startup money, and now I am the enemy again. I have never squashed his dreams, never said no, never taken anything from him, but unless I am giving him exactly what he wants he has a temper tantrum. I am no longer angry, I have moved past exhausted, I am concerned with this next venture and not sure if I am ready to face another failure but I will have a couple of months to get ready for that. I don't want t live this way forever and keep hoping he will grow up, but some days that hope seems a bit dim. Thanking God that He is faithful no matter what, L

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon Mar 9th, 2009 - 2:47pm

Ladies its not that your husbands are trying to get their way... They literally don't understand the way that you think, just as you may not understand the way people with ADHD think. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD myself, and boy does it explain A LOT... all my life I have had many interests, started many projects-- quick to jump in but seldom stuck it out or finish. Due to my attention spans (or lack there of) I am often drawn away from something I am working on to something else that catches my eye. It isn't necessarily something more interesting, "fun", more/less important than what I was working on.. And I honestly forget what it was I was doing originally... If I don't forget what it was, I feel like things keep "pulling" me away, even if it may not seem that way to the Non-ADHD person(s). It isn't that they may perceive your objections as you being selfish... Depending on how you cope/don't cope with his ADHD, he may actually be feeling inadequate, anger.. a whole range of different emotions because its frustrating to be able to start SO many things and with SO MUCH enthusiasm and yet, no matter how hard you've worked to achieve a goal, you almost never reach it. Everyday tasks can present a MAJOR challenge for those with ADHD. And even when you have reached a goal, all you can see are your shortcomings. I guess my point is, I understand how frustrating it is for you to live with someone that has ADHD... But at the same time, it is equally, maybe even more frustrating and overwhelming for the person with ADHD. I bet, deep down, both of your husbands have the same goal that I have: One day being able to just function, nothing more. I know I will probably never be "normal" and thats just fine with me. Besides, I really enjoy the positives attributed that come with having ADHD: * Creativity – People with ADD excel at thinking outside of the box, brainstorming, and finding creative solutions to problems. Because of their flexible way of thinking about things, they tend to be more open-minded, independent, and ready to improvise. * Enthusiasm and spontaneity – People with ADD are free spirits with lively minds—qualities that makes for good company and engrossing conversation. Their enthusiasm and spontaneous approach to life can be infectious. * A quick mind - People with ADD have the ability to think on their feet, quickly absorb new information (as long as it’s interesting), and multitask with ease. Their rapid-fire minds thrive on stimulation. They adapt well to change and are great in a crisis. * High energy level – People with ADD have loads of energy. When their attention is captured by something that interests them, they can have virtually unlimited stamina and drive. Hyperfocus: A Positive Symptom of ADD / ADHD While adults with ADHD have great difficulty maintaining attention, those same individuals often are able to “hyperfocus” for long periods of time on tasks or projects that they find interesting. This is particularly true of interactive or hands-on activities. They may even be compulsive about it, spending hours immersed in the activity without a thought to anything or anyone else. When they’re “in the zone,” people with ADD often lose all concept of time. Hours pass as if they are minutes. This single-minded ability to hyperfocus can lead to significant accomplishments, discoveries, and creative breakthroughs. (from: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm)

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed Mar 4th, 2009 - 10:37am

Some evening if the conversation turns to things to do around the house, suggest to him that he pick ONE thing that most interests him and forget all the others for a while.  Then consider helping him create a plan for getting that one thing done.  That may help him feel less overwhelmed, and if he gets the positive feedback for actually accomplishing something may also interest him in trying another project.