I have troubles! My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated as a child. I know many many people who have the disorder, and all of them are married to someone who "balances them out". Which brings me to my problem; I'm pretty sure I have it too. Although I'm very intelligent, I'm extremely forgetful, can't remember to do the simplest tasks that everyone else can manage, I'm a poor listener, I get loud and rambunctious in social settings (to the annoyance of others), I'm scattered, disorganized, messy, wound up, have too much energy and trouble sleeping, I procrastinate, I'm always late, I'm bored easily, I lose things all the time, I forget to pay bills...the list goes on and on.
The trouble is twofold: one, what are you to do when you, as someone who can literally forget where they put their keys and not find them for another three days (IN HER PURSE!!)...what are you to do when you're the ORGANIZED element in the relationship?
Second, my husband seems to think that since I have never been diagnosed, his difficulties are somehow "worse" than mine and I feel like he uses it as an excuse to put all the work on me. Because, according to him, I'm "better at it" than he is. But the thing is, I'm NOT. It's sooooo hard, it's overwhelming, and I've tried to get across to him that, NO, actually it does NOT come naturally to me. I have to work very hard at it. I have endless lists, calendars, notes, post its, phone alarms, reminder systems and organizational techniques. And I still flake quite often. I need help. His help. And support. But I'm frustrated because when I try to get him to use any of these methods, he seems uninterested or acts like I'm just nagging or trying to control him or tell him what to do. Even if I ask politely or make suggestions, or ask that he do something immediately instead of putting it off and forgetting..(don't worry I don't say that!), he gets defensive. These things help me, and he's so unresponsive to even trying them. I feel like it's because it's easier to just put the responsibility on me even though it's too big a burden for me. He won't even learn how to set a reminder on his phone. If he needs to be reminded about something, he'll ask me to write a note. Why can't HE write it? I don't know, but if I don't write it, he won't write it, and then he won't remember and I'm inconvenienced just because he can't get up and write a note for himself! So I end up writing it for him. It's things like this that are so frustrating. On the one hand, I UNDERSTAND what he's going through to an extent because I have similar difficulties, but I'm really distressed by his lack of willingness to try any coping methods. Sometimes I feel like it IS an excuse for him. How can I get him to participate equally in managing our lives and his ADHD?
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Comments
Both partners have ADHD
Two ADD People Together
First, don't get distressed about both of you having ADD. There are other couples out there who are like you, too.
Whether you both have ADD or one of you do, this issue is actually pretty much the same - how are you going to make day-to-day life function?
The good news is that you should both have some semblence of empathy for each others' predicaments, and I hope that might be easier to laugh at the stupid stuff (like losing your car keys) than it might otherwise be. The bad news is that your house might not be very organized. Okay, that's not the end of the world..provided you manage to get your bills paid and that everyone in the household is safe and happy.
Sounds right now, though, as if you aren't happy, because you are in that time when you are figuring out - okay, just HOW IS this going to work? First, tell your spouse (nicely!) two things: 1.) Whether or not you have a diagnosis has no bearing whatsoever on the severity of your ADD. An expert on this topic (me) says so! 2.) ADD isn't an excuse for him to get you to do stuff for him. He has to figure out how to be responsible on his own. He might choose to do it in a way that is uniquely his own and that's okay (for example, he might carry a small recorder around with him and note things he needs to do - the "list" - on a recorder, then play it back). But when he gives you his stuff to do he also, always, gives you a ton of resentment...not healthy for his marriage. He's giving you stuff to do that is just as hard for you as it is for him. No fair!
So, here are some ideas:
There's more, but I'll stop there for the time being.
Melissa Orlov
Two ADD People Together and then some....
Post anniversary gift to self
I was talking with a researcher the other (Dr. Arthur Aron) day about connection in relationships. I'll be writing more about this later, but at this moment I have a suggestion for an additional anniversary gift to give yourselves:
Find something that you both think would be exciting and a little bit edgy for you (as in not too safe) and go do it. It may well bring you closer.
Melissa Orlov
Both partners ADHD in a marriage
2 ADD Adults
I think that this topic deserves a blog post, and will get on it. In the meantime, how old is your non-ADD child? Maybe it's time to start educating him about both the struggles, and the joys, of ADD.
Melissa Orlov
Structure
both partners with adhd
Help! This site is making me wonder if I have ADHD too!
Apparently offensive Doctor Who quote now removed from my signature. Peace to all!
Pseudo ADD
It could very well be that you don't have ADD, but a case of a very busy life. And GOOD FOR YOU for not worrying about whether or not your kitchen is perfectly clean. There are lots and lots of things that are more important than a clean kitchen!
Dr. Hallowell wrote a book for people just like you called "CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap!" that you'll probably enjoy. In addition, we send out free weekly emails with tips about being less CrazyBusy if you want them. To sign up for those, as well as our free newsletter about all sorts of stuff (and frequently about ADD issues) go to the main Hallowell web site at www.drhallowell.com and join the mailing list.
I'm with you on the depression and anxiety. I slowly crept into depression trying to deal with my hubby's undiagnosed ADD. It was really hard, and really really depressing...and my doctor finally gave me some antidepressants which helped quite a bit for a couple of years until the two of us could get ourselves into a better place. Among other things, the anitdepressants helped me "let things go" rather than obsess about them (like why he wasn't doing things I thought he should.) This took quite a bit of pressure off of him, which also helped the general tonality of our relationship...
Don't mistake me, I'm not advocating antidepressants as a response to ADD, but I am suggesting that depression is a serious disorder in its own right and if you think you are clinically depressed and anxious, you should do something about it. (By the way, one of the great ways to treat both is to do an hour of aerobic exercise about 4 times a week.)
Melissa Orlov
Thanks!
Apparently offensive Doctor Who quote now removed from my signature. Peace to all!
Both Partners have ADHD
First I must say it is a relief to see at least a handful of other add couples who have been together for some time. I hope you are all well. I am 23 and my partner is 20. Come april we will have been together for 2 yrs, and living together for 2 in june. Things have been ok up until the first few months of living together. We moved intogether because one of us moved across the country, so it seemed necessary at the time. I dont regret this, but it may be a factor to some of the chaos that exist in our relationship.
I was diagnosed with adhd during my 3rd year of university and noticed a huge change in my life after. Both for the good and the bad. It wasn't until i was officially diagnosed with adhd that i started caring about the cleanlyness of my house, my lateness, my forgetfulness and my impulsivitivity. Before being diagnosed, i knew i had adhd as it was suggested by a doctor to get tested when i was in 4th grade. (A long way to be undiagnosed, but my mom was scared of all the ritilan overdosed zombee kids that lurked the halls). Anyhow, after being diagnosed i hated that I had little to no independent control over my lateness, tidyness, disorganized self so I arugably (and my girlfriend will argue for this) became OCD about being on time, clean and organized. In the past 3 years I have researched alot and tried to find many tips to help me be better. For some reason more so now that i live with my partner, I cannot handle my adhd inperfections. I know i am suppose to embrace my good qualities and blah blah blah. And to some extent i do. But it bothers me so much I have thrown public tantrums, cried, givin my self panic attacks, anxiety attacks and have lashed out at my partner. Why must it be that I will never have a clean, organized home... im not asking for martha stewart - just some order.
and for those who say hire an organizer - sorry - no funds to do so - student loan repayment will have my soul for at least the next 10-15yrs. Friends and Family? - I unfortunatly lost many friends due to my inability to handle my adhd initially. It came (and still comes with) many mood swings, forgetfullness to keep up on birthdays, special events or any plans. - also side effects from meds - ill probably be posting more in regards to the side effects - needless to say I lost the last 30lbs by just taking a few pills a day.
When it comes to my partner, she has yet to be diagnosed. However, when my partner came with me to my first adhd specialist appointment (in my home town after we moved) withing the first 20 minutes my doc asked her to fill out a "survey" - since then shes been reffered, and she is just waiting for an open spot. My partner is almost a polar opposite to me in regards to adhd. She is more impulsive and distractable, and im more hyperactive and distractable. She could care less that the place is messy, that there is mold growing on our dishes (which are in the tub because we needed to hide them quickly for company). I shouldnt say she doesnt care about these things, but even with her forgetfullness, there is never any passion in her when we discuss household stuff. Bills could be late- she is more forgetful and impulsive with her spending - she also grew up well off, and I grew up spending lots of time with friends and being involved in every extra cirrucular activity to avoid being home - which had little food and eviction notices on the door.
My partner and I have experienced times when our house was more clean and organized and we both have come to realize that we are way happier and healthier when it is this way. However, due to the adhd qualities we have, it seems like no matter what we do, we never get there. I feel like i have read (and i mean that lightly) almost every book about adhd, organization etc. - we have baskets by the doors but yet my keys still end up in the bathroom or in the fridge (- ya laugh, though you know im not the only one who has done it).
For any who have made it through my preable, How can we overcome our opposites and are struggles which are the same. How can we get to the point were we laugh at our adhd selves instead of become flamed up about the things we hate about ourselves and not only see in ourselves but eachother? How do we get past the anger we have towards eachother and ourselves, and get our of that fixed negative state and back into the happiness we had when we first got together - and the random moments we still have that remind us occasionally why we are together.
We really are on the edge of our relationship. Not just from the household task issues, or finances - but my partners impulsivity has led her to many temptations - attention shes not getting from me she can get from others - easily. I am often two wrapped up in my own adhd misery to give her the attention and support she needs.
thanks for your attention and time,
look forward to any responses and hearing other stories as well.
Both Partners Have ADHD
Unfortunately, one of the characteristics of people with ADHD is that they have a hard time thinking (and acting) in a way that chooses good long-term benefits over immediate short-term actions. However, I'm going to try to encourage you to do this anyway and tell you that you and your girlfriend need to both LIGHTEN UP NOW if you are going to remain a couple into the future. Here you were, going along nicely, when suddenly you get a label and BAM! you have a completely different opinion of yourself and your home. In reality, you haven't changed one iota from before your diagnosis (except for living together), yet now because you have a fear (?) of being too ADD, you suddenly need to overcompensate and be OCD about your lives. You say that your hate of your disorganization etc came only after your diagnosis - perhaps you feel that ADD will ruin your life? If so, suddenly deciding not to accept yourself as you are is a good way to guarantee that! You actually DO have some control over your ADD, but only a certain amount of energy and focus to expend (ALL of us have a finite amount of energy to spend). What would you rather spend it on - fussing about how incompetent a housekeeper you MIGHT be, or taking a few minutes to tidy up? Sounds to me as if you are spending your energy on the wrong stuff!
Look, if leaving the dishes in the tub works for you, who cares? (It's no different than my stuffing things into a closet or drawers before company comes and I'm not ADD!) My daughter leaves her clothes all over her room (and drawers mostly empty), some people leave their clothes in the dryer (and drawers empty), some have so many piles of papers they can't even move. And I literally laughed out loud about the keys in the fridge - not because it's funny (though it is), but because the way you wrote it was so funny - as if you, too, found it so.) Yes, others do leave their keys in the fridge. It's not the end of the world even if it is annoying.
It is important for you to know you have ADHD so that you can separate the symptoms from who you are and deal with them over time - creating strategies that make your life better (whatever that means to you). You, on the other hand, are doing just the opposite. You are suddenly making yourself into the symptoms of your ADD - symptoms you've had all your life but that you suddenly now hate (and by extension yourself). DON'T DO THAT!!!!
Okay, so here's my real advice. The two of you are going through what every couple who starts living together goes through - the negotiations that come with cohabitation. You both are extra-critical of yourselves right now, which isn't helping. So try to relax a bit, and laugh a bit about your predicaments. Schedule 15 minutes a day to do "hyper-focus clean up" at the same time every day. Make it a race. Set a timer and promise yourselves that you'll stop as soon as it goes off. At first it won't make much of a dent, but pretty soon you'll see progress that will inspire.
Start to accept yourself as an ADD person. This isn't a death sentence - you're still an interesting person who is at University with lots of other interesting people. Have some fun while you can (work is harder than university). Spend 10 minutes a day just cuddling with your partner and saying loving / fun things together. (I like the morning for this, as it starts the day in a good way.)
If your tantrums only started after you started ADD meds then consider that your outbursts may be a side effect of the meds. Anxiety (leading to OCD behavior) can also be a side effect. Experiment with your doctor's help to see if other meds might be better for you.
As for being opposites...well, ,many many relationships are built on being opposites (I'm in one). You must share basic values, but having different approaches can add spice to a relationship - provided that you respect each other's needs and opinions (and that the sex is good...oh, did I say that?!) Think of yourselves as lucky, and don't worry about a perfect meshing of personalities...as long as you genuinely like being together and think the other person is wonderful...warts and all.
Those of us who have been married for a long time (and probably even a short time) will tell you there is no perfect person out there (including yourself). That means that a good marriage is built on acceptance, understanding, communication, and as I said before shared core values (I'm not talking politics here, I'm talking ethics and personal priorities). You need to be able to negotiate in both directions, and you need to be able to feel safe. Please don't think I'm being critical here, because I'm not, but with what you've described, I wonder about this last one - feeling safe. Not because your girlfriend is too hard on you, but because it sounds as if you are too hard on yourself right now. It would be good to fix that and learn that it's okay to be you (and all the messiness that entails - some of which is what makes you wonderful) sooner rather than later...because you always will need to live with yourself whether or not you are with this particular girl. Since you're at University, consider taking advantage of their health services while you can do so if you think one of their therapists might be able to help you with this (and if my guess is correct, of course).
Keep in touch!
thanks + kinda follow up
Thanks Melissa for your wonderful comments. I read it and cried alot because well im super emotional but there was a lot of truth to it. Your comment as well as many other post here at this site has given me and my lover some faith and we are at a much better space now than we were a few weeks ago.
Its extremely challenging seperating myself from my adhd. Especially since there are adhd things that i truely hate. I rather not have piles of dishes - it is extreamly annoying that i went 4 days with out a bath or shower because the tub was full with dishes. I am too much of a pack rat to get rid of the extra's and only throw away what i need. I also think i will need everything, and hored like im am a ferrel child.
I really need to be less hard on myself, and i think for my girlfriend to see this it helped her realize how much it bothers me - shes been more supportive since. I have had professors at university tell me that i am too hard on my self. people notice it - i cant tell when i am doing it. This is something i will need to learn. I feel safe when my lover smiles at me and tells me she loves me. I think i depend still to much on how others value me. If i am not doing enough for them or making them better - i am not happy.
Its hard i find because i dont know how to learn to like the mess again. I like being closer to perfect. Id rather not have as many flaws - house work isnt the only thing that is a flaw - i just posted something in another place on this site about being late - ooooh thats a good one.
I think deep down i know its ok to be me and my messyness - but i hate that part of me. (i hope i am making sence)
As for making use of university services, i wish i could I graduated also about 2 years ago. (my brain must have skipped when i was writing the last post) I dont find work harder - just more frustrating and less challenging. Perhaps this is a place i will work on to make a change sooner than later.. I also just thought that maybe its that maybe during the times when i cared less i was actually just to busy to care. I didnt have the time to think that i could do better. - or perhaps i have an idea of who i am suppose to be now that i am out in the real world.
bah - to philosophical tonight - meds are warn off.
But i did want to say one last thing. I feel like melissa you may have said this, if not im sure someone has. To embrase your mistakes and crazyness that makes you - you.
I got to the pile of almost all the dishes - Last saturday - the 17th, i actually cleaned the roaster in which me and my lover cooked our christmas turkey in. WOWZER!!! its only almost a month - but im trying to not be embarresed and mortified by it - and to prove that i can do better
thanks again, sorry for the rambles
our marriage
hi new here ive been married 11 yrs recently my son was diagnosed with add and my edest son is being reacessed for it. my son who has been diagnosed is 5 and is a twin speech therapists seem to think that his twin might have inattentive add so he will be acessed too through his school . the thing is this my self and my hubby believe we both have adhd since childhood were very diorganized our house is a wreck we never agree on anything which leads to constant rows i bore easily zone out in conversations talk incessently interrupt people had low self esteem all through childhood was the quite child who would sit in the class paniking about being asked a question struggled too pass exams barely got through due too my very bad concentration theres lots more my hubby on the other hand was the child who was constantly expelled for his violent outbursts was described as a child as uncontrolable he dropped out of school when he was 13 due too his focus and being labelled dumb although he is very clever and creative has been diagnosed with depression sry if this is abit scattered he is a chronic insommiac cant sleep due to his mind being like a tv flicking stations any advice in this would be great we r still married only because were too stubborn too give up on us and still love each other deeply