Forum topic: Behavior ends relationship

Mon Jun 30th, 2008 - 10:43am by scott

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Hi this is my first post here. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago and was on Adderoll XR since then but have struggled to take it regularly and haven't taken it at all since last fall. Im gay and have been in a committed relationship the last 9 years. I work for myself as a contractor which I believe is very detrimental to me with ADHD. I struggle to finish projects and always have clients angry with me even though they love my creativity and are usually very happy with the project itself just unhappy with my inability to schedule and finish the most minor of details. I haven't been seeing my therapist and have admittedly let my treatment slip into the toilet. I had used my partners credit cards without his knowledge and amassed about 10,000 in bills on 2 cards, 99% of the expenses were related to my work and I thought I could pay them off without his knowing what I had done, a terrible mistake and fatal to our relationship. I do not have this behavior issue in other areas , I do not steal from anyone, although my partner says I have stolen from him by doing this, my brain doesn't process it like that but I bet everyone else sees it like he does. I am very sorry for what I've done and especially that it has ruined our relationship, he is such a great person and has had to deal with me and my adhd problems throughout our relationship. Most of my issues with ADHD manifest themselves in my financial life. I struggle to pay bills, I lost my health insurance last fall about the time i stopped my medication and quit going to my doctor. I know i need to get back to the doctor and get back on meds, they did help me a lot when i took them as directed. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish by posting here, I wondered if anyone else had such bad behavior, I feel so terrible about what I've done. Amazingly most all of our friends have contacted me to to tell me they love me and that they will help anyway they can. Well I guess I need to get packing, I have to move out of our house this week while he is on vacation, how could I have done this to someone who cared so much for me? I don't blame him for having to end this, why should he sacrifice his happiness while I can't get myself together to be an equal partner in the relationship. He says that breaking the trust we had is what did the damage and I can see that. Has anyone else here had similar problems, did my ADHD cause me to do something so dishonest and hurtful?

Comments

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 - 11:24am

If you had such a good relationship, why didn't you just ask him for the loan for your business, rather than sneak around with his credit cards?  Was there something else going on?

You say you have many friends who will support you and love you.  Take them up on their offers and get help with the following:

  1. get someone to help get you back to that doctor and back on treatment.  Have them set up the appointment and drive you there if that's the only way to get you there!  You have let your treatment go, even though you know that it helps you both personally and in business, and I'm going to guess that it has to do with something that was going on in the relationship that you just finished.  I'm guessing, from your description, that all was not quite right in paradise even before the split...
  2. find a part-time organizer for your business who can also help with the financial side of your personal things.  Given the negative side of what your disorganization is doing to your business, consider it a business expense.  Since your work depends upon word of mouth, you should benefit when people replace "he is very creative but completely disorganized and very late" with "he's great"  "Late" costs clients money in your business - something that is pretty tight these days.  Also, if you need a "closer", get one.  This would be a handy-person who could finish the details you leave behind.
  3. Ask your friends to get on your case if you "fall" out of treatment again.
  4. Get at least some basic health insurance.

Your friends sound like an amazing support network.  Stay connected to them - don't let your shame at what you've done keep you away from them - admit that this was a miserable learning experience, and then forgive yourself (while making a specific plan to get yourself back on track).  The good news for you is that you actually are well on the road to knowing how to do this (meds work, network of friends, main issues are identified if not fixed yet).  You have many good things going for you, so don't obsess about your mis-step...as they say - if the horse throws you, get back in the saddle (is there a gay double entendre there that I need to worry about?!)

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 - 8:19pm

Yes ADD will cause a person to do extremely harmful things to a relationship, I have a husband with ADD who adores me and is a terrific guy but he does the most amazing things to me. I know this is terrible for you right now, you have lost someone who means so much to you and you are in a pit of despair. IF you guys had something real between you eventually you may be able to repair it, if your partner can be understanding and IF your partner will try to learn about ADD and understand things. I know from experience that my husband will do the most bizarre things that hurt me to the core, but because he has not a clue about cause-and-effect, he does things unintentionally that a person without ADD would be able to think through. I hope you can make things up with your partner because I know you didn't mean it to turn out the way it did.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon Jul 7th, 2008 - 11:15am

I am new to this forum and was wondering if anyone could give me a little insight here. My boyfriend or probably I should say ex and I had a year long relationship, we are both 38. My boyfriend has adhd, I loved him for all his sparkle and he could be incredibly affectionate, creative, fun, jolly. He is very intelligent and studying for final exams in his professions which are due to be taken in October of this year. obviously this is a stressful time for him. With his adhd he did have some problems such as hyperfocusing, being up and then down, he was a workaholic and had great problems with organising and making decisions but he had so many pluses that it outweighed the negative. In terms of personality we were opposites, where he was very extroverted I am quieter, well organised and very calm and it seemed to go really well. In fact we never really had any major arguments in the year we went out and as far as I knew we were happy together. After he qualified he was going to find a job in the city where we are both based and talked about how happy he was there. Totally out of the blue a month a couple of weeks ago he announced he was looking for jobs in his home town and wanted to end the relationship. One minute he was being very loving, caring and affectionate and then he took a complete about turn.There was no other woman involved, he still says I am a lovely girl. My friends cant really believe it as anyone who saw us and watched the way he was with me and how we were would find it really hard to understand. He says he felt too comfortable, he still thinks I am wonderful if he say's but wants to move 500 miles back to his old home town, where his friends are and near his parents. I actually thought I could maybe go too, but he seems a liitle resistant on this. He says he hasn't taking a lot of time to think about the decision he has made but doesn't think he will change his mind. At the moment I m still helping him with his studying schedule and doing bits of revision with him so we are still keeping in touch. although on my part it is quite difficult doing this but I know he wants and needs the help to keep him on track. I was just wondering if anyone could help me shed some light on this, why someone could make such a quick hastie decision to end a relationship which even he said was good, and is there anyway that I can get my ex to think about the decision again without putting any more added pressure on him at the moment?

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed Jul 30th, 2008 - 11:29pm

He may have a case of "cold feet".  But I guess I would ask you this question - if he does this now, how will you feel when he does something equally unexpected and big in the future?  Are you of a personality that can handle big shifts, including having him "run away" again?

Perhaps "too comfortable" is another word for "not stimulated enough".  That would fit in with an ADHD profile of seeking stimulation.  You might ask him.  There is also a chance that he has other feelings that are negative that he just hasn't shared with you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Or, it could just be impulsive...though if that were the case, it would seem that he would be okay with your tagging along.

I guess I would ask as many questions as I needed to feel that I understood what was going on, and then make a decision as to how to move forward.  But it might well be that the downside of his "sparkle" is inconsistency...in this case, severe inconsistency.

Best of luck figuring it out (I mean that honestly - there's no irony in that statement, though it might sound that way in writing.)

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun Jul 6th, 2008 - 9:47am

Scott, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am married to a man who like you is bright, creative and has ADHD diagnosed about 2 and a half years ago. He is also on Adderoll, but will blow through his month prescription in two weeks. During which time he is cleaning the yard, organizing, getting stuff done, but in a manic sort of way. He will literally not sleep for the first 72 hours after he gets his refill. Then for the next 2 weeks before he can run to the pharmacy for a refill (the one date he never forgets about), he is a vegetable, does pratically nothing and sleeps a lot. Like you, he has an incredible amount of trouble dealing with money. He actually spent a few months behind bars because he pissed off the wrong person whose money he misappropriated. I think he's learned his lesson about dealing with other's money, but he does very bad things with our money without telling me. The best thing I could have done was get separate bank accounts and not let him have access to mine. However, he also insisted that I don't have access to his. But I figured out his passwords so that I can get access to his account and try to put out his "fires". That is the only reason why I want access to his accounts. When he used to access my accounts, it would be to drain the money out of them. Now he's got this new thing...he knowingly writes bad checks for thousands of dollars to people he owes money to (but hasn't told me about), but can't truthfully tell them he can't pay them at the time. I'm afraid someone will get pissed enough to get him arrested again. At least, it's out of his own account. I love him, but I am now in my 40's and my nerves can't take it any more. I also can't trust him at the level that is necessary in a marriage, and because of this, I can't bring myself to be intimate with him or picture myself having children with him. Unfortunately, it's time for me to find the happiness and security I need to have a family before it's too late for me. I know that because of how he's wired, he has trouble seeing the damage he has caused in our relationship, but I can't use that as an excuse for me to stay and put up with it anymore. Time is slipping by, and we both need to find people who are better suited for each of us.

Submitted by SunnyNights0909 on Thu Aug 14th, 2008 - 3:27pm

It sounds like your husband is abusing his medication, which from my own experience can cause VERY irrational and manic behaviors. Sounds like he might have a slight addiction to the medication and is taking them to get the high from them rather than treat his problem correctly. What does he do after he runs out before the month is over? Go without? You might want to consider talking to the doctor who prescribes him the medication as I am sure he is unaware of this.