Forum topic: Avoidance and diversions

"Avoidance is an unhealthy practice and when we have the courage to face something terrible that courage is rewarded with the gift of a deeper connection to our inner wisdom."

The most unattractive trait of my spouse is that of avoidance.  Everything is kept at a superficial level and peppered with jokes and teasing - walking away in the face of meaningful communication. I have not had the tenacity to keep fighting that invisible wall that keeps us separate. When there is no active fighting, he seems to think that things are fine. He just wants me to leave him alone while he anesthetizes himself with solitary diversions.  I feel odd that we are living this way and I hunger for partnership and companionship.  

Today I am going to visit an old friend who is at the latter stages of ALS.  The quote above is from writings of her husband, observing the visits that she has been inviting in the midst of her disabling disease.  I am reminded that real love is the willingness and ability and courage to share the parts of ourselves that are the difficult and joyous - the stuff of life and in the end, decline and death.  Real love is courage to walk through all that life stuff together, communicating with the ability to see and connect with love and care.

I just had to share my thoughts about this somewhere and this is one place I feel comfortable to do that.  You are like my friends.  I know after my visit with my friend today I will be inspired to share my real self even more and lessen my own avoidance and diversions, enriching my life and relationships.

 

Comments

You have great wisdom here.  I am utterly convinced that my husband and I would still be married if he had just had the courage to speak up about what he was feeling and thinking.  He will tell you he tried, but I don't see that.  There were literally hundreds of times in the last 10 years of our marriage when I said to him "Is everything okay for you?  Are there things we need to talk about?  Are you happy?"  He always reassured me that things were fine and often told me how much he loved me...and continued to deal with his issues by escaping in all sorts of ways.

Relationships impacted by ADHD get stronger when both partners are willing to engage with each other, including around things that feel uncomfortable.  One can request and lobby for that sort of openness.  One can write encouraging letters of love to help your partner feel safe and at ease.  One can open up the conversation and invite the partner in, but ultimately it is the partner's choice whether to make that jump that feels so scary and actually engage.

That sort of avoidance behavior is often based in trauma - long ago trauma that impacted one's ability to attach is quite common in ADHD partners, in part because they often have a parent with ADHD who really didn't pay that much attention to them or make them feel as secure as they needed to feel to develop a healthy attachment style.  It's particularly difficult if that parent was a mother in a family where the father might not have thought it was his job to be nurturing to the kids.  Individual therapy to get to the heart of that experience and start to heal it can be really helpful.  EMDR is one good option, as is IFS therapy.  With helpful therapy, a partner gain can the strength to be able to engage with a current partner who is open to that engagement and careful to be respectful of each partner's opinions.  (Read this comment this way - it's important you remain respectful in your interactions, too.)

Earlier relationship trauma in your own relationship can also be addressed through therapy, or through in-depth conversations when the stakes are high (such as a point of a potential split when both partners are more willing to reveal themselves for a potentially better outcome).  For couples well into the conversation and in agreement that escape is painful and doesn't get at the issues, a verbal cue set up to keep the conversation engaged, vs. escape, may be helpful, too.  But that has to be executed early, because the avoidance behavior is about emotional overwhelm (including dread).  It is the brain going into the fight/flight primitive brain, as well as avoiding interactions that feel 'unrewarding'.

All of this work is hard, and the pattern is virtually impossible to change without the ADHD partner's buy in.

Sorry to hijack this conversation, but I always thought you were still with your partner, Melissa. Any nuggets of wisdom you can share from being through the full gamut? Thing you learned retroactively? Tips for moving on healthfully as a single? Many thanks.

 

Hi - yes, my divorce was finalized in April of this year.  I haven't written much about it here because I wanted to get some distance on it before delving in.  But you ask some things I've learned retroactively:

  • If you're thinking about separation, getting separated, or getting a divorce, GET A GREAT THERAPIST to help you heal!  It's a really difficult process, and good support is the best way to come out feeling strong and healthy...and stay entangled for less time.
  • One of the mistakes that non-ADHD partners may make (as I did) was putting too much emphasis on their partner's potential, vs. what the partner was actually doing/contributing.  I think about it now as 'fantasy partner' vs. 'real partner.'  I had seen my husband at his absolute best multiple times over the years and kept hoping he would get back to that.  He was amazing when fully engaged and I couldn't have adored him more at those times!  As we moved through all of the ups and downs of our relationship we both took on more hurt and moved away from being those 'great' partners.  My 'pushing' him to move towards who he could be was perceived as criticism and he interpreted it as my not loving him or accepting him enough as he was.  Bottom line - don't put more stock in the  'potential' person than you do in who the person who your partner is at that moment and what their actions communicate...and never push someone to be someone else, even if they've been in that space before.  People change and it's wise to recognize that change.
  • Have the courage to verify that a partner who has a history of having affairs is really, truly done with their affair.  That might include contacting the affair partner after a time for verification, hiring a detective, etc.  If things feel 'funny' don't ignore your gut (even though it's scary) particularly if that 'ex' affair partner pops up in uncomfortable ways.
  • Along those lines, sometimes leaving a partner is exactly the right thing to do, no matter how much energy and effort you have put into the relationship.
  • The future is unknowable.  I thought I knew what my retirement years were going to look like - lots of happy bike riding around the world with a man I loved being with, and time with my kids (and perhaps grandkids) as a family. But you aren't in control of how others feel or what they do.  Use each day as an opportunity to make that day amazing understanding that you still don't know what the future might hold.
  • Along that line - if something feels off, insist on counseling with a good counselor.  That doesn't ensure honesty, but it may help ease difficult conversations.
  • Do some serious thinking around boundaries.  It's too easy to slide into a place of 'things don't feel as good as they could, but that's okay.'  Maybe it is okay, but figuring out what your top values and priorities are can help you be firm in that knowledge.  A good resource for women who wish to do this work is a book called Boundary Boss by Teri Cole.
  • You can think that you are being open and inviting to your partner - in my case with regular 'do we need to talk about anything?  Are you happy?' types of invitations...but if your partner isn't interested in sharing...well, then you won't hear what is going on.  It really IS a two person endeavor and the other person has to have the courage to engage with you around difficult conversations.  Not everyone wants to do that.
  • Speaking with your partner in a 'direct' way that says 'do X' vs. 'would you mind doing X?' is always going to be interpreted as controlling behaviors by an ADHD partner, rather than efficiency.  Non-ADHD partners must work hard to slow things down and present their ideas in a positive, and equal/respectful way.  Respect is respect and even more important when you have a partner who feels disrespected from years of problems between you.  I could have done better in this realm.  I don't think I was mean, but I also wasn't always gentle.
  • It's important that ADHD partners deal with their ADHD. Doing so saves a lot of arguments and hard feelings.
  • Transparency is KING.  Even on little things like whether or not you want to clean toilets.  If you don't want to, don't say you do.  We had WAY WAY WAY too many misunderstandings because my ex wasn't transparent about what he wanted emotionally, physically etc etc.  Why incur that extra arguing?
  • Get trauma counseling for any emotionally volatile partner - ADHD or otherwise.  Past trauma, including childhood hurts from less that strong attachments from undiagnosed ADHD parents, are one of the biggest contributors to emotional volatility.  EMDR and IFS are two good options for this work.  And it's not just ADHD partners who may be bringing trauma to a relationship.  To whit, while I was not volatile, I had my own trauma I brought with me.  I have now worked through that, but wish that I had done so 25 years ago.
  • I find that I'm happy that I stayed after most (not all) of the past struggles.  I made my choices to stay, on multiple occasions, for a lot of reasons that were important to me.  I'm confident that I did the best I could do.  I wish that my marriage had worked out in a way that was truly fulfilling, though I had virtually no control over that.  I'm convinced it could have, btw, with the right sort of nurturing and transparency.  There was love there.  But I will say that living with ADHD plus the undercurrent of stress from long-term lying had its downsides.  My life is significantly less stressful now and there is also great freedom in being able to shape my life in any way I wish.  And, I am very grateful that I have such fulfilling work to give me a continued sense of purpose as well as financial stability.

Thank you for sharing so openly; excellent points....I'm hoping you get that family time, travel and biking time, and wishing you much happiness going forward...

Blessings

c

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply, Melissa. I am sorry for the struggles you've endured and heartened by your optimism for every day going forward. I will read this many times. heart

Thank you both!  I've found everyone to be really supportive, which has been lovely.  :-)

I read your book early in my marriage when I married a man who had undiagnosed ADHD. Over a decade and three kids later I realize I'm trying to dance on a dance floor without a partner. He is a decent father but he doesn't engage me at all. Literally, five minutes a day before he falls asleep is all I see him. He is not a bad dad and he takes his meds most of the time but there is no sex. There is no fun. There is nothing. We are roommates who never talk. If I try he runs out of the room. When my youngest graduates high school I think I'm done. I just can't anymore. I do that thing you talk about, the fantasy partner thing. They bait and switch you. Their hyperfocus feels amazing but it never lasts. Most of the time he is hyperfocused on something that has nothing to do with me and never will. I don't need hyperfocus. A normal amount of consistent attention would do but I get literally nothing. Thanks for sharing about your divorce. I feel better knowing that it's entirely possible I'll need to get one as the entire situation can't be dealt with alone with only one partner trying. 

It's a terrible feeling to sense that your partner isn't much interested in you (or harbors quite ambivalent feelings about you).  It's lonely and confining, since you can't really find the 'consistent attention' you crave with another man unless you wish to cheat, which brings its own set of problems.

I'm sorry you've been going through this.  I suspect other readers will empathize with your plight.

While you're still in it, I urge you to think about how you can take care of yourself in special ways that are about YOU - not about taking care of others, like children etc etc.  That might be giving yourself the gift of trying something new and setting aside time for it.  It might mean irregular weekends away with close friends.  It might mean taking up walking in the woods for some quiet, or starting a gratitude practice.  You deserve attention and if your partner isn't giving it to you, then get it from others and also give it to yourself.  (Note:  when I say get it from others I'm not advocating having an affair - that's simply too painful and complicated and I wouldn't wish that on any partner.)

Sending you a virtual hug.

Thank you, Melissa, for sharing your personal reply.  i often feel like I am the wife of "The Good Doctor" autistic character.  I know that in the end the wife will have to leave because she is doing all the lifting and repairing for the relationship.  One in which she is getting not much back other than confusion and hurt.   I get it...what you say about loving the person they COULD be.  Thank you for giving us this forum to realize that it is not just US but we are dealing with something outside of us that we have to accept. Please keep this forum open for us.  It is the only place for some of us to be able to put our situations and confusing events into writing for others to read and share without starting a verbal fight.

I am not going away soon nor, I hope, is the forum.  What I do isn't dependent upon my marital status.  In fact, one could argue it is another valuable learning experience that allows me to help people in all sorts of different situations.

Ex should be applauded for being willing to continue to run this site, which he is doing for me...and for all of you.  :-)

I wish you the best of luck! That's a great quote, and honestly applies to both us non-adhd partners and our adhd partners in so many instances. I find that I get to the points of apathy a lot more often when I avoid facing the hard truths, but find it easy to feel empathetic to her and her needs when I face my own inner feelings that I ignore so frequently just to try and keep the peace.. Unfortunately, for my situation, I'm at a point where it's easier for me to face things than my adhd partner. For her, even talking about the "hard stuff" is basically me attacking her (in her eyes) or labeling or judgin her, because she's almost so closed off to the idea I could even not judge her like so many in her past. Hopefully your partner is more ready to face the hard stuff with you! As from what I've read it's the only way, when we both commit 100% to this idea. Again, best of luck! Hope I can be there too someday.

Non-ADHD Male in a mixed relationship of 6+ years