Hi, I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle. I'm trying to get all this down, so hope it makes sense
I'm a 54 year old male, and have been living with my girlfriend (53yo) for the last 3 years, and been together for the past 4 years.
We met on match.com. I can say that I had the feeling she had already fallen for me before we even met, just from our chatting on match.com, as I'd tried to cancel the date as I knew she was taller than me (superficial I know). She insisted we meet still. On our first date, she was incredibly attentive, and it felt very full on. She touched my face after 10 minutes of meeting, and asked me if I wanted to f*** her after about an hour. This question was totally out of the blue, as we'd just met and were having a normal conversation (smalltalk). We saw each other virtually ever day after the first date and it seemed to progress at an alarming speed. The sex was amazing, and she made me feel like a king. I was totally blown away. This lasted for around 6 months.
She could never sit still, she wouldn't watch TV and was always on the go. She was very excitable, to which I fell in love with.
The relationship was superb for around 3 or 4 weeks, (we were living separately at the time) which is when she had her first "incident", which seemed minor, and aimed at her son (21 years old at the time), not me. He had sucked up damp wallpaper into "henry" vacuum, which had gone smelly. She went ballistic at this, in front of me, and made her son go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner. After this had calmed down, everything was fine for a couple of weeks..
Next "incident" she was chatting about her wages, to which I'd commented that her wages were pretty good. She went ballistic again for no apparent reason, shouting at me and saying "you're taking the pi55". I walked out of her house at this as I couldn't believe how she had reacted. She followed me and shouted for me to come back, to which I did.
These "incidents" carried on every couple of weeks, which would send me down. It would take me a few days to bounce back to my normal happy self. Seemed to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. The arguments were horrendous, and I felt like she'd twisted and manipulated things I said in general conversation just to cause chaos. I walked away from her many times as I'm not good at arguing.
She moved in with me at the start of covid lockdown (2020). Her son was still living in her house at the time, and I feel he was glad to see her go. This roller coaster of a relationship gradually got worse and worse with her control, jealousy, anger outbursts and gaslighting for seemingly irrelevant things. It felt like the reaction outweighed the cause of every "incident". She is very possessive over her belongings, and I felt like I was one of those "belongings" too. She would "expect" me to pay for everything including holidays etc but there would always be some sort of "tantrum" where her anger would come out, especially if she got overwhelmed.
When we met, I knew there was something different about her, and I think this is what attracted me to her. She would admit she was different, and used to say "I'm a nightmare, you won't be able to handle me". I brushed this off at the time. She'd told me her ex husband used to beat her up, to which I later found out later was a lie. She'd also told me she'd failed all her exams at school but passed her math and English in her 20s, to which I later found out she'd got a friend to take the exam for her. Last year she did an online degree for dyslexia and behavioral problems. She's asked me to read through her work before she handed it in. The content, grammar and punctuation were awful, and I virtually re-wrote the whole dissertation. She is working as a teaching assistant, but she'd come home many times asking me questions about the subjects she'd been "teaching" at school. I tried to help her as much as possible, but the answerers never seemed to "go in".
Throughout the relationship, I had the feeling she had ADHD, but she's always deny this, but she would say she feels she's different, and thinks different to other people. She was very controlling, she couldn't stand it if plans changed, she gaslit me (downplaying things she'd said in anger), very jealous, and would throw a tantrum if things were not done as she wanted. The sex died out totally around 6 months ago, partly down to me as I no longer felt any connection to her as she'd verbally attacked me so many times, and partly down to her as she was always on her phone (stalking my ex girlfriends on facebook etc) I had no interest in any of my exes, but she knew exactly what they were up to.
2 weeks prior to us splitting, we'd seen a counselor, who'd confirmed to my partner and myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I was surprised at her saying this. She'd also said she could see no hope to the relationship.
6 weeks ago, we had a massive final row again, over her control and constant lying, since the split it has left me feeling bewildered and confused, and wondering if I am a narcissist and could have done more to save the relationship. The breakup was really messy, and she was furious (not sad). She'd called her parents, to which I though she was going to live. I later found out that her father had refused to have her at his house (he has the space), as he said her antics would give her father and mother heart attacks. She moved in with her sister, to which she lasted 2 days, and they'd had a massive row and she moved out.
Since us splitting up, she's followed me on strava (athletics app), blocked me on strava, then unblocked me on strava. Blocked me on all social media, whattsapp etc.
I feel that although things were so volatile between us, we did so much together, and can't help but miss her. Completely stupid of me, I know
Reason for writing all this is if anyone can shed some light to what I've been through, I would really appreciate it. I still feel I love her, but don't (if that makes sense). Are ADHD and narcissistic tendencies connected? I have the inability to move on at the moment. Every one seems "flat" in comparison.
Comments
The pull of an abusive relationship
Your counselor was right - this is a good description of an abusive relationship. And it is common for the victim of abuse to wonder if they could do more, and to try harder...or if there is something wrong with them. It sounds as if you got a bit 'addicted' to the storminess and excitement of the relationship. That, though, doesn't make it healthy. You may well be able to find someone with a great sense of adventure but without the aggressiveness that this person fell into so often, and with so many people, that even the closest people to her have blocked her from their lives for self-protection. I know from personal experience there are many, many people on the dating sites who can't wait to meet someone who is interested in doing a lot of fun things together. That doesn't make this breakup less emotional for you, but I do have faith that there is someone both exciting AND healthy out there for you. And that isn't at all a fitting description for this last relationship.
I'm sorry you went through this abuse. I would suggest you block her on Strava (she doesn't need to follow what you are doing, and that is a superficial connection in any event) and other social media outlets so that you can start to truly heal from the pain of your breakup. You don't need her lobbing kudos or comments your direction. I also suggest you create a list of the many truly horrible ways she treated you so that you can refer to it when you start to feel nostalgic about what you had. By your own accounting in this post, the negatives were many.
Again - have faith. There are MANY happy, healthy, adventurous women out there just waiting to meet a great guy who wants to explore the world.
Thanks so much for your kind
Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, I've already done an extensive list of all that has happened in the relationship. This was mentioned to the counselor. It's still very fresh, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the abuse and what exactly went on. I'm unsure how much of the last 4 years was true and how much a lie.
Not a lie
What you experienced - the highs and attention of hyperfocus courtship; the volatility; the confusion. These are classic in ADHD-impacted relationships and are therefore not 'lies.' The shift in personalities you've experienced has to do with the physiology of ADHD. Her 'performance' if you wish to call it that is quite consistent - not just with you but with many others in her life - the consistency of her way of being with others also suggests that none of this was a lie.
In this case it sounds as if there may also be something else going on - perhaps trauma from childhood, or perhaps just very severe ADHD. You responded as it came at you - also not a lie. You did the best you could do given what came your way, and the appeal of the sexual connection and exciting nature of the relationship. But you also came to realize it wasn't what you wanted. And that is a healthy outcome. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, and you can now look back and ask what it was that kept you so long in an abusive relationship. But...not a lie.
Sounds like a NARC
My mother was a NARC, a lot of this sends up major NARC flags for me. I'd consider that before worrying about the ADHD component. Because if she is a NARC, I suggest you save your heart, mind and soul and just get out. It's almost always totally hopeless. Sorry.
BurnedOutLady
I believe you're correct. I
I believe you're correct. I've done a lot of looking into things while and after the relationship looking for answers to the point I feel I might be going crazy. I dont believe there are answers as I don't think her mind works in any sort of logical manor. It seems like even the lies in her mind become reality. Whilst in the relationship there always had to be someone whom she'd be falling out with, her son her sisters, her sons girlfriend, my brother, my mother, friends, me. She'd try to isolate me by slating people I cared for. The control was horrendous.
I hope if anyone is reading this they can take comfort that they are not alone. It's hard as a man to admit you've been bullied an manipulated in this way
Could be Narcissism
Whether it's ADHD or narcissism or both, this sounds really unhealthy for you and I'm so glad you're out. It's normal to miss her, even if there was a lot of "bad," because you can't help but remember the "good" too... especially if she showered you with "good" at the start.
If it is narcissim, there is a fairly predictable cycle you have been in that is designed to keep you hooked. If you read about it and see this woman in the description of NPD, it may help you slowly disconnect from the feelings you still have about her because you'll read over and over again that there was no way to improve the relationship with her. Reading about it will also support you maintaining no contact. It will take time, but you will move on from her. It may help to write a long list of everything that was wrong with the relationship so in times of weakness you can remind yourself that you don't want to go back to that place again and nothing you could have done would have changed anything.
ADHD can look like narcissism sometimes because some people with ADHD lack empathy similar to narcissists. Also, certain actions may look the same and the difference is often intent. A narcissist is often playing a game to manipulate you or serve themselves whereas someone with ADHD isn't always aware how their actions are impacting other people (and they aren't deliberately trying to hurt you). She could have both. No matter what though, the labels don't really matter as long as you're out and can learn from this what you don't want in the next relationship! Every day this will get a little bit better until you realize a whole day has passed and you didn't even think about her once. :) Then weeks and months. There are some great people out there who love a vibrant life without the hurtful drama. I hope you find them.
Not sure what it is
I am really overwhelmed and confused about my own wife too. She is sweet to most people, and I know she is generally a good person. But she seems to be incapable of expressing empathy, and she gets offended and starts getting extremely defensive and lashes out at me or storms off in a tantrum any time I want to talk about problems or something that hurt me. Many times in the past I have sat with her quietly listening and trying to empathise/de-escalate the mood, but recently I’ve been arguing back more myself, maybe I’m getting better at confrontation. But it really makes things explode.
I don’t think she is narc but i do think her undiagnosed ADD (I believe) means there are ways she is affecting others around her which she is unaware of. She is extremely sensitive to rejection, to the point where it’s hard for her to trust anyone, even me. Our communication is terrible because we can’t get anywhere, every statement I make is interpreted in the worst possible light. And any time I want to have my own opinion or do something differently to her, I’m attacked.
Malos worth mentioning is that I have high functioning ASD, so it’s not all on her. I know I have my quirks which I always try hard to work on. But most of my friends consider me to be very empathetic and kind even though I don’t always find intense emotions easy to handle.
I am emotionally barren and numb from all the pointless arguing. I can’t talk to any friends for help/advice because she would see that as a betrayal. I feel completely emotionally isolated. I really don’t know what to do. Is this ADD, or abuse?
I had this with my ex, she
I had this with my ex, she was the nicest person around to strangers, to the point she was almost too in their face. I liked this as I'm quite a reserved type of guy. I feel it was all an act though. If her parents came round for dinner, she'd cook for them. She was also a teaching assistant at the local school, and she'd bake cakes every week for them. When it came to the normal mundane everyday life stuff, she's totally avoid the chores. In the 4 years, she cooked a handful of times, she never cleaned the house, and when it came round to chores being done, she's find some important school work to do instead. When we were alone, the nasty, snide, vile remarks would come out, constantly putting me down.
As regards to empathy, I agree with you. She was able to show empathy, but feel it was an act again, as the reaction seemed over the top to the person she was empathizing with, and she would then continue to take about herself straight after.
She would get home from work, and talk at me for a good 30 minutes, non stop about her day. I wouldn't be able to get a word in edge way. There was no interest in anything I had to say. This left me feeling numb, lonely and isolated.
My advise would be to keep in contact with your friends as as much as you can. My ex would have loved for me to be totally isolated and controlled by her, but when we did split, I was so grateful I'd kept in contact.
Like someone else has said on here, if it feels like abuse, it doesn't matter what name you call it, it is abuse to you and should not be tolerated. How you deal with it is up to you.
My ex also thought she was entitled, to the point she'd totally stripped my house of hers, and my belongings when she left. Fortunately, her sister must have known what she was like, and had asked me to come to her house and pick up my belongings which is where my ex had left them
Current Situation :(
Pack it up
You don't need a plan to stay, you are being abused and need to leave now. No more excuses for his behavior, he is a drug user and a bully. You might consider getting therapy for yourself to understand why you accept his behavior.
You have gotten some great advice from the ladies here.....
I suggest you copy the post you wrote here....And as you become able to detach from the newness of the situation, read it often as the fly on the wall (or like it was as letter from a friend writing to you about a relationship he was in) as best you can....
I believe it want take long until you will be shaking you head, and saying in your heart....WOW, what in the world was I thinking....I consider myself an intelligent man, normal in most ways of life...But, I too become eligible at 50 (widowed)...I want to go into it all, but, lets just say, I know how easy it is to SEE just what we want in a person who is fun loving and has energy....It's blinding!
Bless you!
c
I was in a 30 yr marriage
I was in a 30 yr marriage with mine, the first 19 years was her being undiagnosed and it was only after I decided I was done with it, that I was tired of always being the one to apologize, the one to try to change..I felt like I was the bad person, and left for 3 months. She broke down and went to see a therapist. It was then that she became enlightened and was told she had severe adhd.
Even then, it went un-treated for the next 11 years. Basically she sees a general practitioner who she talks to to have her medication refilled and 'regulated' based on what she tells him/her. She also self medicates with copious amounts of alcohol, during our relationship, she was a closet alcoholic.
Its easy to feel like you are the root cause of the problem, but there are many people on this forum that will tell you that unless the person with adha seeks help and uses good adhd management with professional help and practices it, then it can be a losing battle. I can tell you from my own personal experience that it is very easy to become toxic. There were many many times, during the 30 years that I 'bit back' and went the extra mile to prove a point or a principle.. But in the end, it was most definitely the wrong way to be. In the end, after being labeled a narcissist, by her, I felt the same way as you. The only saving grace is that 6 years prior to our end, I had sought out mental therapy for myself and I see that therapist every friday. I didnt do it for anyone else but myself. I think my setting boundries the last 3 or 4 years made the ending a reality. I am the one that told her to get help or get out in the end. She chose to get out.
In so far as your gal's family not wanting much to do with her- I personally think that's par for the course. My ex has alienated everyone in her family. When she felt slighted, she wrote them off and did it immediately. I thought I was one of those folks that can distance myself from someone when I think they have issues, but her ability to do so shocked me over and over.
There is a lot of good advice in here, I am one year out from my ending of 30 years with mine. Sometimes it feels easier, sometimes not so much. I still think of the 'what ifs', the should of, could of, would of, (hence my nickname here) I even feel like she was my soul mate. But I know that this is for the best, it needs to be this way.
I wish I could snap my fingers and make everyone have a great life and great relationships, I'd probably wear out my hands.
It does get better, just dont end up in the darkness and curse it- Light the candle instead.
ADHD narcisissm
Hi everyone and thank you for all your kind messages. They've been really helpful.
It's been nearly 7 weeks now since we split, and apart form a few stalkings and she'd sent her friend from up the road to knock on my door (sure she was snooping), I've heard nothing direct. I'm glad to be honest as I've been very vulnerable, with constant shaking/anxiety which I believe to be trauma bond. To those who are thinking of leaving their abusive partners, all I can say is I started feeling a lot better at around the 6 week mark. That's not to say I still don't miss her, but the shakes have nearly gone, I'm sleeping a little better, I'm eating well again, and I can see a future. I feel if she knocked on my door within these first few weeks, I'd have had her back like a shot. The longer things drag on, the stronger I get, and the more educated I get.
When she went, there was no sadness from her. There was disbelief, and then rage, and I mean rage. She stripped my home of nearly everything, thinking she was entitled to it, even though most of the stuff was bought by me prior to her moving in. She has spent the summer many miles away at her sisters, for the summer holidays, but I'm guessing most of the time has been spent stalking and blocking people on her phone, as lots of "mutual" friends have been blocked. I've been blocked/unblocked on Whatsapp numerous times. When school term starts again, and she has to go back to work which is back in this area where I live, who knows. What makes things worse is she owns a house about 1/4 mile away from me. When she moves back into that house in November, I'm ready for her to start kicking off.
I seem to have saved a load of money though, even though I'm spending more on myself than usual. The coffee seems to last forever too, I'm sure she was selling the stuff at work!!!
I do believe the problem is more narcissism than ADHD. There's a shed load of information on both subjects, and without closure I feel I have to give closure to myself. She was the youngest of 3 girls for the first 10 years of her life (then they had another girl). I believe her to have ADHD. Her older sister had clicking hip syndrome as a child, her legs were in plaster for a good few years, and she got a load of attention for this. With my ex having ADHD, and required a lot of attention which she didn't get, I believe she developed narcissistic traits as she claims she was neglected a lot of the time. (this is just my interpretation of things, how much is real, who can tell. As they say, you can tell she's lying, her lips are moving!!)
I provided a home for her, she paid no bills, bought no food, all her money from her work went on what she wanted. I was never bothered about the money, but when someone talks and treats you so badly on such a regular basis something has to give. The roller coaster as they call it.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is I do not believe the person can ever change unless they are prepared to get therapy, and even then, I'm not sure they can love and feel like normal people. By the time I see her again, if I ever see her again, I hope I'm strong enough to see her and treat her for who she is, and not what I once thought her to be
God bless to you all for your comments, they're a massive help, and I hope this site continues to help many more people in this predicament. It's only when you step outside, you can start to see the thunderstorm you've been living in. Good luck to her next victim