Forum topic: Trying to Save Marriage

Sun May 18th, 2008 - 3:15pm by mgilly30

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD
My wife and I have been seperated since January. I have ADHD, and it has affected every aspect of our marriage, procrastination, anger, listening,communication, depression, and no stability. We first seperated, and it was going to be a 6 month seperation, and I was ok with that. I needed to continue to improve on myself and she needed to heal with all the things I let her down with. She was in no hurry to get a divorce, and then the first of Feb she all of a sudden said she wanted a divorce. I have learned since then that she has been seeing another man. She has not filed for divorce yet, but I can't get her to go to counseling. She has a lot of anger, and she said she can't forgive me. We have a daughter together that is 3 yrs old, and she has 2 girls in a previous marriage. I understand my wife and why she feels the way she does. I also know that her heart is so hard right now, and I hope and pray it will soften. She has a lot of people telling her that she should divorce me. This is a very difficult situation because I know my wife doesn't understand what I go through everyday and the challenges ADHD has on my daily life. She has never accepted my ADHD, and I never did until about 2 months ago. I thought that I would be fine, but the struggles comtinued. I will never make excuses for my ADHD, but I know that our marriage can be saved with a lot of work. I have been improving with acceptance of ADHD, couensiling, coaching, and God. I don't know that she see's improrovements, because she never says anything. The relationship she has is affecting her going to couensiling, and it has been the big reason why she wants a divorce. I need help and I am open for suggestions. I love my wife more than anything, and I love the girls. I have forgiven myself and her for my past failures. I just pray that her heart will soften and she will be open to couensiling. Thank You

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun May 18th, 2008 - 6:45pm

I am so sorry. I don't think I can be of any real help, but I just wanted to write. I am recently diagnosed with ADD, and even though my spouse is very accepting of it, we have a lot of other problems that are affecting our marriage. My instinct is to suggest that you go to counseling yourself, and simply keep her aware of the appointments as you make them. It will be up to her whether or not she wishes to attend, but you will still show her that you are committed to her and to your marriage. Even if she doesn't come back, it might help soothe her anger for the sake of your child. Keep working on yourself because you deserve to become the person God intends you to be. Keep praying; you never know when her heart might soften, or what might cause it to do so.

Submitted by mgilly30 on Sun May 18th, 2008 - 11:28pm

I appreciate your thoughts. That is great that your spouse is understanding, because when you do a lot of research on ADD/ADHD, there are a lot things that can hurt or ruin a marriage. We have other issues as well, and she does things wrong as well, but I forgive her. At times she was accepting, but my wife is a strong willed person who expects results. That is ok, and not a problem. I came into this marriage 4.5 yrs ago and I wanted to give my wife the world. For some reason I just kept getting held back at achieving my goals for the family. I just got worse with depression, because I was doing the things that I had promised and I let my my family down constantly. I don't know if she will attend the sessions, but I have hope and pray everyday. At this point I don't get any feed back from her unless there is something about our daughter, or finances. She i still expresses her emotions by telling me she has been crying or is having a bad day.

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Mon May 19th, 2008 - 3:52pm

This isn't something you don't know already, of course.  But your wife is probably experiencing a less complicated relationship with the other man she is dating than she has with you.  This will seem like a breath of fresh air to her - at least for a while - until that relationship forms its own complications.

I agree with one of our readers that your best bet is to continue to go to counselling, but I would add that you aren't working on your marriage in this counselling any more, but on your ADD.  This may mean a change of counsellors, depending upon who you are with right now.

You can't control either your wife's actions or her feelings, but you can build yourself into a person who is happy with himself again.  That will most likely ease your relationship with your wife, which would be a good outcome, even if you don't get back together again as a couple, because you have a child together and will always have a relationship as a result.  The better the treatment you get for your ADD, the less difficult that relationship will likely be.

The point that your wife is in right now is very difficult for you - and a hard heart means that she isn't likely to find forgiveness or empathy any time soon.  I would venture that she also doesn't want to hear that she can help save the marriage with a lot of hard work.  From her perspective (and I'm not saying it's right because she contributed to your downfall as a couple as much as you did) she thinks she's already done a lot of hard work and she's tired of hitting her head against the wall.  She wants a "different" you, or to escape completely to a different relationship, not a lot more work.

Having lots of people telling her to divorce you (including the boyfriend, I suspect) doesn't help, either.

I don't have any amazing hints for how to get out of this one, unfortunately, other than to say keep working on getting your ADD symptoms under control, and make sure that she is aware that you are doing it.  (If she doesn't "believe" in ADD, then just focus on the symptoms that you are improving - like distraction or organization - rather than on the name ADD). 

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by mgilly30 on Mon May 19th, 2008 - 7:52pm

Thank you for the comments Melissa. I really appreciate it. This man has been the reason why she wants a divorce. She told me to get an apartment for 6 months, and she wasn't going to divorce me. She even told my parents she was not going to divorce me, and she has the greatest love and respect for my parents. It was a week and a half later that she sent me the email. We are still under the same wireless plan and the man's number came up at the end of Jan, and she sent me the email about divorce a week later. It hurts so much that she is with someone else, and she has brought him around our daughter. She has not filed for divorce yet. My goal is to continue to get better, but I never thought about her just wanting a better me. That makes a lot of sense especially if she is not willing to work on the relationship. I don't ask her anything about the marriage. Everytime we text or email I am very nice to her. My counciling is focused on continuing my improvemnts, with a possible goal of my wife joining me in counciling, or by her going individually at first.