Forum topic: Getting Married

Mon Mar 29th, 2010 - 8:35pm by Elisabeth

Forum: 
Progress You are Making and Hope

My gorgeous boyfriend and I are getting married this weekend!!  So excited. Yes he has ADD and I am a worrywart but between the two of us, we complement each other in all the right ways.  Sure, we still have days when the world gets on top of us but generally these issues are not ADD related - they are just part and parcel of a long term, committed and loving relationship. Generally I do not post on here anymore, hell I even barely check the site.  I have had too many people on this forum try and bring me down simply because I am happy and my partner is happy - and we are living with ADD.  Some people on these forums simply refuse to believe that is possible.  I understand where their resentment is coming from but why not be supportive of everyone on here, rather than be intent on dragging them down?

If you are new to being with someone that has ADD just remember that not every story is a bad story.  Remember for all those personal stories posted on here that are full of hurt, anger and despair as a result of ADD, there are many more stories out there that involve working, functioning and healthy relationships dealing with ADD.  My boyfriend says he would never trade his ADD for anything.  And neither would I.  It makes him him and has given me a better appreciation of how to treat people who may interact with our world a little differently to what is considered the "norm".  Best of luck to everybody.  

Comments

arwen's picture

Submitted by arwen on Tue Mar 30th, 2010 - 5:03am

Elisabeth, I wish you the best and happiest of futures!  I absolutely do not believe that all relationhips with an ADD partner is doomed.  You have a great advantage in knowing that your spouse has ADD and having resources here and elsewhere to help you cope if need be.  Many of us with "bad" stories did not enjoy either of these conditions, and struggled in the dark with a frustrating mystery for many years, until things got very very bad indeed.  This is something you will never have to go through.

My own marriage went through some really bad times because my husband was diagnosed so late in life.  But even in our situation, I think we would have been OK if we had not had children.  My husband managed OK on his own for the most part, but he just did not have the ability to be a responsible parent.  Unfortunately, neither of us realized this, and it was the source of the vast majority of our discord.

Good luck!

Submitted by newfdogswife on Tue Mar 30th, 2010 - 5:56am

I agree with Arwen.  Your's will probably be a success story because of your awareness of this disorder and the many resources available, now, to help when problems arise.  Many of us have been married for a long time and ADD/ADHD was unheard of back then.  Therefore, many of us remained in the dark, when our relationships started taking turns for the worse.  I know in my case, I thought I had hooked up with the biggest a__hole on earth.  This disorder has tarnished many relationships because of previous unawareness.  Please try to understand.  I wish you many, many years of happiness.

Submitted by Rosem1111 on Wed Mar 31st, 2010 - 1:40am

I hope you will both be very happy.

If he is motivated; you can accept him as imperfect (and vice versa); you are both informed; and you both communicate well, I'd like to think you will have a happy marriage.

I will give you a piece of advice I got sadly after many years of marriage -  Start your marriage as you want to continue. So don't shrink in fear; be unassertive, etc, as I did. If he behaves badly, deal with it well. Otherwise trouble will set in and be hard to root out. This is basically about dealing with problems as they arise, as they do in all marriages.

Submitted by Clarity on Wed Mar 31st, 2010 - 1:02pm

Sounds like you're ready! You are so fortunate to have all the resources available these days! That will certainly provide you with everything you need to thrive in your relationship. Best of luck to you both! 

Submitted by brooks30 on Wed Mar 31st, 2010 - 9:10am

Elisabeth, I am actually really happy to hear this...I have always been gunning for you two. Gosh it seems like just yesterday you were telling us you got engaged (sorry that I am talking like I know you but I feel like I do!!!). I wish you both the absolute best. Your relationship has continued to be an inspiration to me (even with the failing of my own between myself and my fiance). Thank you for always showing a side of ADHD that is great and beautiful. I hope you won't be a stranger forever since you really do have a lot of great insight!!

Elisabeth's picture

Submitted by Elisabeth on Mon Apr 19th, 2010 - 9:02am

I would really like to thank everyone for their well wishes and also for the advice.  I completely understand and am aware that the success of our relationship has a lot to do with the fact my partner takes full responsibility for his ADD.  I can't and won't ever judge anyone who has been dealing with a relationship involving the ramifications of ADD at its worst or when it goes undiagnosed or when it goes ignored by the person who has it.  

I guess my main aim is for people who are new to a relationship that involves ADD to understand that it doesn't necessarily mean it will be bad.  I think when we go searching online for ADD-related help, answers to questions, information and support, the negative stuff is a lot easier to find than the good, as I found in my own experience. And this can be overwhelming in itself.

We are moving back to Oz soon and we hope to can both get involved in ADD support groups and through various channels help people, wether they have ADD themselves or live with someone who does, develop the tools and mechanisms to live and cope with ADD in their daily lives.