Forum topic: Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner

Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 4:20am by saudade

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello everybody, first excuse me for my english.

Here's my story and I am searching for help on how to approach my partner again.

He has adhd, add, emotional dysfunction, a lot of traumas and an alcohol problem. Probably there are other syntoms which weren't diagnosticate. He refuses medication and therapy, which he tried, and he tries by himself, many times he manages it. But when he drinks too much, he gets these anger outbursts that he cannot control. Normally he leaves to his place (he was everyday in my place). He says he has to go away to protect me, because he loves me, and he cannot control his rage. I never understood until last week. He could not go away, because his key was at my place, he was drinking the whole night and he ended up beating me up (bitting and pushing) and was arrested. After some hours he came out. Still in rage. I didn't see him, a friend gave him the things he had in my apt. And his dog. No contact 5 days.

I took care of myself.

I also have to say ( I am 54): this is the most loving, caring man I know. We spent all our free time together, doing nice things. I had a hard time with some issues and he was there. The most time we had a beautiful relation. He also tries very hard not to drink much, already made many changes in his life, he works hard and is in general an amazing person. He also did the homework, everything perfect. 

Now: I tried to call him yesterday. He has no family, no friends (only bar-friends) 

He didn't answer. I wrote him to call me back, that is nothing bad, no discussion but I need to tell him something. He answered "I should not". And that was it. 

I want to talk with him. To tell him I've learned a lot this days and many things he told me are clear to me now (I did not take ADHD so serious, never had to deal with it until January). I want to offer my help for him to make therapy. And I want to start again, because I love him, he loves (or loved) me and I believe we can manage to try in a different way. He asked me several times for help (like, please when I want to go to the bar, ssy no, tell me to come home) and I didn' t get it. 

What he did has no excuse. But I fund the explanation. 

My pain is so overwhelming and I know his pain about his condition must be terrible too.

In previous meltdowns, I was here to care for him. He cried and was like a child looking for safety. Now he is alone.

Question: what can I do that he talks with me at least on the phone? He is stonewalling and I cannot even tell him I forgive him...

Comments

AdeleS6845's picture

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 8:09am

Hello, saudade.

I am concerned for your safety and well being.

I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. 

He had anger and control issues and would often fly into a rage over the smallest things. He never physically hit me, but I would cringe and cower when he raised his voice. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He criticized and belittled me regularly. The one time it became physical, was when he forced himself on me sexually.

I stayed and put up with it until I couldn't anymore. I was in my late 40's when I left and had to start all over again, but it was worth it. 

Back then I used to make excuses for my husband. ( He had his own business and his job was very stressful. At least that's what I said to myself. )

A good person who loved you would not do this to you. I had to admit that my husband didn't love me. All this, and he did not have ADHD. 

I'm currently engages to a man who has ADHD. He has never raised his voice to me. He is kind, gentle and patient.

Stay safe and take care of yourself. 

 

Adele 

Submitted by saudade on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 10:56am

Thank you so much, Adele! I´m happy for you with your new relation. The problem with my partner is that he cannot control his syntoms when he drinks too much. I saw it happen before, with other people, but I could take him off the situation. This was the 1st time this happened and he got the consequences right away (now he has sevaral appointments with the police, and has to go to the court). I am not excusing him, but trying to understand and explain. I have to admit, I didn`t take adhd and the other syntoms so seriuosly, since I never had to deal with it. And he tried many times to explain and to ask me to help, but I´m not the controling type of woman (like, as he wanted, me telling him to come home, instead of letting him go out). I met him by accident today on the street (we live in the same neighbourhood) and he is suffering. Probably more than me... And takes the responsability and thinks. He is really in a dark place.... That is already punishment, I think he needs support (he has nobody) and help because he is willing to change his anger/emotions management. Is still early to say, but I trust and I trust the police putting some pressure on it. I have to say I live in the Netherlands, and probably here things are different. Anyway I want to learn more to be able to help and support him. Because we love eachother and he is, a good man with a nasty past and ilness. Thank you Adele, once more for your feedback!

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 10:45am

Pain/heartbreak and hope that treatment would change him are guiding how you feel right now. That's completely natural. But he needs much more help than you can support and he has to want that for himself. He knew this about himself and still put you at risk - he could have been in treatment years ago for this. You are not safe to be with him again in any way. I suggest no contact and individual therapy to help you move through this and keep yourself safe.

Submitted by saudade on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 11:04am

Hello dear Melody, thank you for your feedback! As I met him by accident today, he is so down and in suffer that he wants to change it. We don´t live together (he was always at my place, but he has his apt.) I understand perfectly what you say and I would agree, if he would refuse to take help. I know his adhd and other syntoms and traumas will not go away, is a part of him, but he is muc more than that. I am not naive or not rational, I know exactly in situation I am, I could be dead, I am aware. But if is open to therapy and I will learn more, we can avoid that adhd controls our ralation. This is my believe, because he is actually a wonderful person, never met a man that was so caring and loving.... But of course, everything has to change. Thank you so much!

Submitted by Swedish coast on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 11:57am

Im sorry to hear this has happened to you.

My history is having for many years excused bouts of emotional and verbal aggression in my ADD now ex-husband and consoled him after. Why I did it? Because the rest of the time he was incredibly loving. Because I loved him, and because I wanted to save our relationship, and because he was unable to make the repairs. As he was unable to choose anything better than rage when there was a conflict.

You describe weakness in your partner. Since he's so frail, he seems to need your support. You want to work to repair the effects of his weakness. 

I firmly believe you should not. Even if there hadn't been substance abuse and physical violence, I would advice against it.

We need in these matters to be almost childishly subjective and protect ourselves. He was mean to you? Step back. He hurt you? Withdraw. He doesn't come after you with apologies and promises? Make no contact. Meanwhile, turn away. Focus on something else. It might feel like there's nothing more important in the world than saving your love for each other. All distractions will seem small and insignificant. But then later, those things (friends, landscapes, pursuits) will be your new life and full of importance.

It wasn't until I sat on my hands - after divorce - and refused to make repairs for his aggressions, that I saw the truth. The truth was without my constant efforts, there was no love, no friendship, nothing. He did nothing.

Please acknowledge the work you've done on this already. Then focus your energy elsewhere. He is a terrible subject for your love and work. You need something entirely different. 

I wish you all the best.


 

 

Submitted by saudade on Sun Jul 21st, 2024 - 12:28pm

Dear Swedish Coast, thank you for your comment! I agree with you, I did protect myself, I went to contact, I have wonderfull friends (I never thought I had such wonderfull friends, who were so supportive), I have my apt, my job, I did all the steps for him to take the consequences. And he says he does. I am not living with him, I am independent in all ways. Still, I see there a will, I see there shame and guilt (as I saw today) and I needed that to understand that it has consequences. I am a person who can forgive (NOT FORGET!) and I can`t see his life wasted on that. This, if he really takes help. To take help (not my help, but therapy), I want to talk with him. As I said, he has no real friends or familiy, only his dog. For me is also important to know more about his disorder. That is the only point where I think I failed. I don`t see him as a criminal, but as an ill person. In the time we were together I had some issues, including an accidente and this man was taking care of me, and always present when he could, he was my friend, partner, lover, everything you want from a partner.... I will not live with him or take his responsabilities, but I wish I can support and understand more about his adhs and the other syntoms. I also failed to help and support him as he asked, because I din´t know it was this serious. I feel so much for the stories I read here, from abuse, disrespect, and believe me, I feel with you and believe you. These stories are, of course, a warning. But I am aware. I see him as person with a disorder, who has to control it and not as a criminal. I have the feeling (as I joined the community) that I need to learn and comunicate with others who can understand it. I was also thinking about taking help, a therapy, I spoke with my doctor about it, so we`ll will see. But I feel strong and clear, only my heart is so broken... Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Submitted by honestly on Sun Jul 28th, 2024 - 6:48am

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/...

this is a UK charity, sorry - but your English is certainly good enough to read the content here! can I draw your attention to myths 1, 10, and 14 in particular. Alcohol is not an explanation, nor are mental health issues, and it is not a brief loss of control. You also are already blaming yourself (you didn't try hard enough to support him with his issues before). Don't blame yourself- and when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's the man who beat you, and you are considering keeping him in your life. You are in danger. In the UK alone a woman is killed by a man every 2.7 days. It's usually a partner, an ex, or a soon to be ex. 

https://www.femicidecensus.org/

You cannot be safe with him. Walk away. Don't become a statistic. Please. 

 

 

 

Submitted by saudade on Sun Jul 28th, 2024 - 1:52pm

Thank you so much for your answer. I am aware of the issue and its gravity. Still, I will take a look at the links. I am not excusing it at all, I was just trying to get more educated on ADHD (and othe connected syntoms) and change views with people who had similiar experiences. Thank you so much, have a nice evening!

Submitted by honestly on Mon Jul 29th, 2024 - 2:15am

Thanks Saudade; I hope you find what you need, and are able to proceed safely with whatever course of action you take. To add to the above, I have been married to someone with ADHD for twenty three years. It was diagnosed this year. He is moody, disorganised, doesn't hear me when I speak and extremely defensive around any perceived criticism- any comment that is in fact not lavish praise. He has often been angry, but he has never, ever raised a hand to me. ADHD traits are often similar between individuals, and they exist on a spectrum of severity, and come with a unique personality and range of experiences attached. I've read a lot since my husband was diagnosed, and am not an expert, but I haven't seen an account like yours before in the forums or books. It's possible that this behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD at all. Personally - though maybe I am just a lesser being, but I do have some experience of male violence  - I would not be seeking to understand; I would be seeking to put as much distance as possible between myself and this man. 

Submitted by saudade on Mon Jul 29th, 2024 - 10:11am

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and give feedback. I think you are right, this is not only ADHD, he also has a lot of childhood traumas, mixed with other syntoms (emotional disregulation, maybe bipolar) , all this mixed with alcohol is an explosive bomb. And now, after meeting him accidently on the street, the feelings of shame and guilt (from his side). Yes, is a lot and not excusable, is just my mind trying to understand to find closure. I am feeling much better now, since I know I can stand up again and keep living a "normal" life, he cannot as long, as he doesn`t makes a therapy or is open to medicin. Thank you so much again and all the best!

Submitted by Peacefull111 on Fri Aug 9th, 2024 - 6:27pm

I also loved my adhd partner so much that I made excuses for his alcoholism. I studied everything I could about adhd and gave him money to try to help and the pain never went away. Neither did the insults he gave me and disrespect. The longer you stick around in an unhealthy relationship the worst it will hurt you. I advise to distance your self now before you end up getting badly hurt as well. I also felt like the strong one at one point because I was neurotypical but over the years this will take a toll on your life and peace and it doesn't end well for anybody once there's disrespect and abuse! You do not deserve abuse. No matter how strong you are. 

Submitted by saudade on Sat Aug 10th, 2024 - 6:55am

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. In the meantime I know is not only adhd, but much more (trauma, dysregulation, maybe bipolar, alcohol abuse, etc). We had contact again, talked a lot, he is deeply ashamed, cried a lot, admits he cannot be in a relation, because it always ends bed. There was also an evening we met by comom friends and he had a rage outburst again, 1st againts a neighbour, then against his friend and then with me. I saw this pittyful person, drunk, shouting out in anger and thought, I feel sorry, but nothing will ever change if he is not taking responsability and search therapy. Ever since we don`t have contact anymore. I am busy with my life (got dismissed, because I made so many mistakes at work), I guess I have a burnout but I am searching for support and help. I leave knowing I tried my best. I didn´t let him fall, I offered my support and help, to see that alcohol and avoidance is more important that get therapy. In October is the appointment with the court (he has to go to the court). I will not go, I don´t need to keep seeing this misery. I feel very sorry for him, because he is so helpless and lonely and also has a beautiful side (he supported me many times, was also very caring and loving, when not in this anger spirals). But there is no solution for someone who doesn´t take responsability over his illness. I am working on myself, curing my broken heart. I love him, but I am now being rational, for my owns sake.

Submitted by Peacefull111 on Mon Aug 12th, 2024 - 1:02pm

My heart goes out to you because I know exactly the kind of love you have for him. My ex also got into alcohol issues and issues with the court which made him homeless. You're right seeing his misery only hurts you as well, nobody wants to see someone they care about struggle. But if they don't take responsibility there's nothing more that we can do. I'm so sorry that you were dismissed from work. I do agree it's best to put yourself first now and take care of yourself. If you continue to only care about his needs and not your own you will only feel bad and hurt yourself long term. Only people who have been in love with an adhder will understand the amount of heartbreak that can come from a dysfunctional relationship. I'm sending you support and I hope you will find more clarity as you go. We are not responsible for their actions, emotions, and pain. He has to do the work. 

Submitted by saudade on Mon Aug 12th, 2024 - 2:08pm

Dear Peacefull111, your words are so conforting to me... Yes, is so difficult, I can hardly put it into words... And in my case: He lives around the corner (fortunatly he has his apt.) and I moved to Amsterdam (Netherlands) at the same time as I met him, that means: all my life here, all my neighbourhood, the city, the cafes, canals, gardens are always connected with him. Everything reminds me of him! There is no "before-him" in my life in this city...... Is pure pain! In the meantime I found a therapy for me. I do my best to take care of me, but is so difficuld. My friends cannot listen to me anymore, they are fed up. People cannot understand you can you love such a person. But, as I said, he has a beautiful, sensible, fragile side and soul too....And we spend every free minute together, I never had such harmony with a man before. But then the syntoms took care of the rest. After some days of anger and silence he reached out. First he said "well, it is what it is then". I answered with an indirect answer about solutions and therapy. Like: All partners have challanges, our is more difficult, but there are also solutions (therapy). He answered after 2 days saying he is not hurt (!!!!), but very confused with life itself. I have to clue what he means and why he writes me. If he reaches out I want to answer, if he is open for changes, I would support him. Because I also know he has nobody else. No friends or family. But: Now I put myself in the first place and I don`t try anymore. I will be quiet. I feel very lonely with my thoughts, since nobody wants to listen to me and I have this urge to speak, so, I hope the therapy will help. Deep down inside, I wish he takes support, I hope he will be forced by the court to to that. Sending a hug from europe!