Forum topic: Non ADHD partner trying to navigate social situations with ADHD husband that dominates conversations

Fri Aug 5th, 2022 - 3:06pm by lauraca1

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello!

I'm looking for support/ideas on how to navigate dealing with social situations with my husband  that frustrate me. My husband has ADHD and is medicated and open to help. I feel very lucky for that! In social settings(especially meeting new people) my husband talks a lot and interrupts quite a bit. This is hard for me. I'm a very good listener and in a group of 4, I feel I can't get a word in and I feel embarrassed that he does that. He is aware and really tries but I'm afraid I'm going to be the one needing to adjust. It's honestly our biggest struggle. He's so great about so many other things! He says he feels the need to get a thought out right away or he'll lose it. He's also pretty hyper/high energy but is such a warm person. I don't want this to affect our relationship or have new people judge him. I know I can't control that but I'm needing ways to cope because in this situation I almost freeze and then I get upset with him after and that's not fair. Thank you so much for any input! Laura 

Comments

Submitted by Dagmar on Fri Aug 5th, 2022 - 4:49pm

My husband and I have code words that we use in front of our kids, and you can use in this situation.  Can you work out a system where when he's doing this stuff, you squeeze his hand three times, or say "stapler" or something nice like "I love you" so he knows to stop?  Then you're not embarrassing him, and he's getting a signal that it's time.

 

Submitted by lauraca1 on Fri Aug 5th, 2022 - 5:42pm

Thanks for that idea! This is something we've tried and I really wanted it to work. When I squeeze his hand, he gets immediately defensive and sometimes blurts out, are you trying to shut me up? The defensiveness is also a big issue now that I'm thinking about it! I can try and talk to him about trying this again. Thank you!

Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on Fri Aug 5th, 2022 - 11:13pm

I feel your pain. My ADHD partner is the life of the party - and doesnt matter new people or old friends, she dominates the conversation entirely. Sadly I have not found a way around it - she does it naturally without meaning to - and people love her spontaneous (impulsive!) happy-go-lucky outlook and most end up not getting to know me, and many probably wonder why this outgoing person is married to such a cranky grump. The only time I can have a conversation with anyone is when my spouse is not around. I only just realized she has ADHD earlier this year after our kid got diagnosed - she hasn't been officially diagnosed and refuses to get a diagnosis because, in her words, "you just want me to pop pills for the rest of my life for your benefit". At least now I understand why I've become so cranky. :(

Submitted by lauraca1 on Sun Aug 7th, 2022 - 2:47pm

Hi there,

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry to hear she's not open to treatment, but hopefully in time that might change? I had my husband read, "Driven to Distraction" and it was the first time he really recognized himself in the examples. He was more willing to get treatment after understanding it better. Sending you good thoughts!

Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on Thu Aug 11th, 2022 - 2:31am

Thanks for the tip about the book. I've bought several books but I can't get my wife to agree to read any of them. Regarding your comment above - when you squeeze his hand and he blurts out about trying to shut him up - I face exactly this - if I try to give her any indication that she is talking inappropriately or too much or saying things she really shouldnt in social settings, she always blurts out and says something similar. One side effect I've realized is that since she dominates the conversation so much, of all the people we know as a couple, hardly any of them know me because in all these years I have hardly had any one on one conversations with any of them.  

Submitted by lauraca1 on Thu Aug 11th, 2022 - 4:23pm

she agrees to read it. That must be so tough. And sad that those friends haven't had the opportunity to get to know you. I really enjoy my one on one time with many friends so I can get my time in. I wonder if that might be helpful? 
 

My husband was defensive at first about the hand squeeze but he ended up agreeing to this and it worked this time. It's hard to have consistency. Sending you good thoughts!