Forum topic: Sexual behaviour and ADHD

Fri Sep 2nd, 2016 - 2:42am by inthedark

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

My new boyfriend acts unusual sexually, wants me to tell him what to do because I said I didn't like what he was saying (inappropriate and disrespectful things) during lovemaking.  He seems to switch from being tender and loving to sort of aggressive and forceful. Anyone experience similar behaviour with your ADHD partners?

Comments

Submitted by inthedark on Fri Sep 2nd, 2016 - 10:27pm

realising after reading all these postings that this behaviour is a way of stimulating themselves, they get bored and distracted very easily.  still doesn't take away the hurt, can't get what he said out of my mind.  would like to give him another chance, but horrible feeling that won't be the end of it.

Submitted by Zapp10 on Fri Sep 2nd, 2016 - 10:56pm

That he says apparently "terrible" things during sex is NOT him stimulating himself because of adhd. Adhd has NOTHING to do with intelligence. No man in his right mind would debase a woman during sex UNLESS agreed upon. Your gut says something is wrong here.....LISTEN to it.....please. He could be VERY immature and perhaps only had porn for sex education. Set him straight.

Submitted by inthedark on Mon Sep 5th, 2016 - 3:35am

thanks very much Zapp10 for your reply. You are right, it isn't acceptable, and your last sentence struck a chord, he is very immature and he has mentioned porn, and come to think of it, when he was saying these things it was almost as if he was repeating what he had heard somewhere else. I tried to set him straight, but haven't heard from him for a week so I am not sure what he is thinking, perhaps he thinks that's the end of it. He said he was prepared to change so I will give him another chance if that is what he wants.

Submitted by GiveMePatience on Fri Sep 2nd, 2016 - 10:36pm

KerryM...

I wish that I had an answer for you...  I'm so sorry that I don't...  I can tell you that I have read a few book on the subject of ADHD, have read TONS of articles online, have watched and listened to tens of hours of video and podcasts... and have NEVER come across anything like this being described as a 'characteristic' of those who had ADHD.  I have read that it is 'common' for those with ADHD to either 'abstain' from sexual intimacy or to 'go the other way' and be 'promiscuous'...  but, never anything about it being 'forceful' or 'aggressive'...  I would venture to say that this would be caused by some 'other issues'... 

If this makes you uncomfortable and I am assuming that it does...  PLEASE tell him ASAP. 

Know that you will be in someone's thoughts, out here in cyberspace. 

Be safe and well...

~GMP

 

Submitted by inthedark on Mon Sep 5th, 2016 - 3:51am

Thank you so much GiveMePatience for your reply. I don't know what I would do without 'cyberspace'! Everyone on here has been so helpful, and it is helping me to make informed decisions, when everyone around me is saying to ditch him. He did have some sexual problems in the beginning but said it was medication he is on and he doesn't seem to mind touch which seems to be an issue with ADHD. Aggressive might have been the wrong word to use for his style, perhaps more like 'robust'. He does have some 'other issues' which he told me about so perhaps that is at the bottom of it all, but when I asked him if that was it he denied it. He is so mentally quick, I have to watch myself haha, but the heart wants what the heart wants unfortunately. thanks again.

Submitted by EllaMiranda on Mon Sep 5th, 2016 - 2:45am

This is a tough one because a healthy sex life is extremely important in a relationship.  Sex creates a bond between two and regular sex helps to keeps that bond strong.  Not everyone is going to enjoy the exact same things during sex and that's ok as long as both partners realize that and agree to find sexual activities they both enjoy and not try to force or pressure the other to do something their not comfortable with.  You should both feel comfortable and safe during and you should both be able to find it enjoyable. 

I think this is something you need to discuss with him.  You need to get it off your chest and help him understand how it made you feel and that it might take some time for you to move forward.  Try not to blame him or make him feel uncomfortable.  Remember, if you choose to continue with the relationship it's important to that both of you always feel comfortable communicating about sex, what you enjoy and don't enjoy andoing that neither of you ever make the other feel like a "weirdo" or "freak" or like there's something wrong with the other because of what they enjoy sexually. 

Remember too that men and women think about and react to sex very differently. For most women sex affects them emotionally more than men. While it can be difficult for us to understand, men can very easily separate sex and emotion. So while he may have said something hurtful or something that made you uncomfortable, to him it was probably "just sex" and he most likely doesn't actually believe what he said during sex. There's a good chance it was almost like role playing for him. So try not to take it personally, although that's easier said than done sometimes.  With that said, you still need to feel comfortable and enjoy being intimate with him. Relationships without a healthy sex life are more likely to fail. And even if they don't fall apart it's guaranteed that at least one partner will be left feeling unsatisfied and unhappy which can lead to more problems. 

Start with talking to him first. Your happiness is important because if you're not happy your partner won't be happy and if you don't enjoy and aren't happy with your sex life your partner probably won't be either.

Submitted by inthedark on Mon Sep 5th, 2016 - 3:29am

thank you so much for your reply Ella Miranda.  It was very helpful.  I am trying to rationalise what he said with his behaviour previously or overall which was very normal and affectionate, and when I talked to him about it he said he was prepared to change his ways, so I think I will continue with the relationship if he is willing after what I confronted him with!  I think he just doesn't know how to act or speak sometimes, but I don't want to make excuses for him either.  Maybe he thought he was being sexy or something, I don't know, I will follow up on here as things progress and hopefully in a positive way.  thanks again.

Submitted by inthedark on Wed Sep 7th, 2016 - 5:02pm

I sent a text to boyfriend on weekend, he did call me back, and said he missed me 'occasionally'.  that made me feel really wanted.  He said he would call me again in a couple of days but he hasnt called.  He is very busy, he seems to have to drink more when plans don't work out, he seems to have a million things on the go at any one time, but surely he could manage a 10 minute phone call.  I am just going to get on with my own life, don't know if I can keep coping with his ADHD behaviour.