Forum topic: People who try to fix or manage people with ADHD

Fri Jan 18th, 2008 - 2:58pm by stb616

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I'd like to start a conversation with input from people with ADHD and even from Dr. Hallowell about the impact it has on a person with ADHD when people who may or may not understand it are trying to manage or fix the person and what some are calling shortfalls. In several of the posts here it seems like there's a subtle but real attitude like there is something wrong with the "other person" who has ADHD and that they are trying to manage them. This strikes me as sort of? I don't know it just strikes me. Seems sort of like they are talking down to them or treating them as they would a small child who's not behaving properly. Very much looking forward to the replys on this one.

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun Jan 20th, 2008 - 7:45pm

When help is needed..ie many things are not on simple forward movement.....I would be greatful for concern of another..Problem with ADD ..often there is great denial......My significant oither has started hearing and seeing more of his behavior since he has been on --antidepressant...We just need a strong coach to help!

Submitted by Robert Johnson on Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 - 3:39pm

I understand what you are saying and if I have ever made a move towards making my wife inferior or bad in any way that was never my intention. I view ADHD (and she does to) as a condition but not a disability. Just like my type A personality requires me to constantly do things to keep me from being a power freak or whatnot ... she also needs to do things to manage her ADHD. I really think she has amazing abilities and ... is just an amazing woman but when I can see her get distracted from an important task and spend 5 hours playing a game on her cell phone ... or 2 hours picking lint off a sweater ... thats when I start to worry about our future. So by "manage" I really want her to vanquish the bad things in ADHD and use it as she says she does as a way to really rock at the things she is good at. We both have our strengths ... and I really hope she can find a way to manage it herself ... but the amazing thing about marriage is we have each other to help each other ... and I can guarentee I need help with all my detractors. I hope that makes sense ...

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 - 11:38am

It is not only non-ADD spouses, but also some doctors and some people with ADD who would pathologize ADD and make people believe they have something wrong.  They have something...yes...just like people who can't see without glasses have something.  It's hardwired into their brains.  BUT, that something can be wonderful and fabulous, too.

The issue is - how do you find the equivalent to glasses for your ADD relationship?  The thing that makes it easier both for you and for those around you?

Unfortunately, the state of learning about ADD means that there is still a stigma attached to ADD for many people.  If you went around saying you thought your husband was abnormal because he needed glasses everyone would laugh at you.  Not so with ADD - it's got that stigma...  On the other hand, if you went around, needing glasses and running over people in your car all the time because you couldn't see them, but refused the "treatment" of glasses, people would be angry with you - just as spouses are often angry about ADD that is ignored or denied.

The stigma has terrible consequences...that are so unnecessary!  I look forward to the time when people see ADD for what it is - something that is a part of you, the negative symptoms of which can (but don't always) have terrible impact on others (and you) if not dealt with.

And, here's the good news - there's a real upside to having ADD once you figure it out (unlike glasses...which simply bring your eyesight up to where everyone else is).

 

Melissa Orlov

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue Jun 24th, 2008 - 3:13pm

Before I was ever diagnosed with ADD, I was working in an after school program and one of the instructors nudged me about a child and said, "he's mentally retarded because he has ADD, be careful." After I lifted my jaw off the ground, I turned and ever so gently told him, you have no idea what you are talking about and I suggest you learn a little about ADD before slapping those labels on others. Two years later, at the age of thirty-three, I was diagnosed with ADD and who's words should come screaming back into my head--yes, that wacky after school instructor. While I knew better than to believe what had been said, I quickly thought how labels stick. As I teach special education now, I often hear that voice and the determination to help these precious children know they are not a label strikes a strong chord. While ADD and ADHD are coming to the forefront of discussion in our society these days, I am dumbfounded at the lack of knowledge and just plain ignorance to treating it. Some of this comes from teachers and doctors. Nothing is more frustrating than to talk with a teacher or doctor who has no idea what ADD is all about. (just experienced this with my child's teacher) I attend CHADD meetings and the knowledge that I've gained is so valuable towards helping myself as well as my child. I've often asked other mothers and dads what can we do to get this "diagnosis" understood. What I'm finding is that there is a sense of fear that some feel with saying, "hey, I have ADD." Fear that they too will be labeled and fear that once it's out there, they can no longer claim denial. I am going to keep working to try and do my part to educate those who don't quite get what ADD is all about, while teaching my kids that they are special and very gifted!