Forum topic: Conflicting ADHD symptoms

Sat Jul 2nd, 2011 - 9:54pm by drkwood

Forum: 
Communication with ADHD

I believe that there are different forms of ADHD- that said I am diagnosed with ADHD and believe my husband either has a processing disorder or another form of ADHD.  I tend to be the more impulsive type of ADHDer.  I think things through quickly and prefer to skip explaining the process and just get to the end.  He is the opposite:  he has to process everything out loud.  He takes an inordinate amount of time to do anything outside the work realm. He easily takes twice as long as an average person to even get dressed.  Which means he takes about three times longer than I do.  Our conversations are painful because he has to process everything, one step ata  time, without being interrupted.  I want to interrupt because I want to talk about the first topic- if he goes past that I forget what we are talking about to begin with.  He has been known to go on for 30 minutes at a time.  even using a note pad to keep track, I get cramps in my hand!  I have made every effort to slow down- somewhat successfully- even if it means just going in the other room so I'm not glaring at him.  He seems incapable of speeding up at all.  he resists the notion that he has any attentional problems.  I encourage him to drink more coffee- at least then it's a bit better. I try to keep our differences in perspective.  He struggles with this and gets mad at me. Any suggestions on how to reduce the tension between us?

Comments

Submitted by SherriW13 on Thu Jul 14th, 2011 - 5:03pm

I'm a little confused...what types of things is he 'going on for 30 minutes' about? I (non-ADHD) know that keeping anything important (something that I'm trying to resolve, make a point about, get him to do, need to make sure he is aware of) under 2 minutes is best. I am trying to be concise and to the point. Making my point ONLY ONCE was something that was hard for me to learn to do because I never felt he heard me or at least didn't validate my feelings. I pretty much grew to learn that anything more than a couple of minutes was a waste of time..he has already shut down and tuned out by that point.

I'm just not clear exactly what type of information he's trying to communicate with you during this 30 minutes ... or if this is just general conversation, him relating a story, or what. ??

Submitted by lululove on Thu Jul 14th, 2011 - 9:50pm

One of the reasons that I like thIs site is that it often makes me feel validated. When my DH constantly refuses to agree that despite ALL the adhd symptoms he is willing to see in himself but refuses to connect any of it to our relationship problems, I admit- I start to doubt myself big time. It is hard not to. Then I will read something written here and it is exactly what I am going through. Sherri, I fear our experiences have been somewhat converging, at least when we are talking about the addiction problems of our spouses. I am happy that he let you come to the doctors with him, that was a very big trust showing on his part (mine is not there). Having said that, I would hesitate, drkwood, to be so convinced he is adhd without a complete evaluation (or did I misread your post?). Even if he does have a different form of adhd, he might also have processing disorders as a comorbidity (eg CAPD), which would not be about attention but something else as he states. This needs to be determined by a professional. Ultimately though, I am coming to the conclusion that whatever pathology is going on (if any!) it really still requires that we listen to our partners in a way that we also wish to be listened to. And at the same time, not allow ourselves to be sucked into the drama that all these issues can bring. Even as you have to deal with adhd symptoms yourself, they may express themselves differently and at different times (and severities) from your partner. You have to try to sync accordingly- and when that is not possible take a moment (and a deep breath) before going into reaction mode. By now, I have to watch myself slip into the dynamic which doesnt work: speaking too long rather than yo the point, straying off topic into the more general stuff I am feeling bad about, and letting my own low self esteem cause me to react harder than my husband with inattentive adhd originally meant to convey. The whole communication thing IS a struggle and in your particular situation, I suggest taking it slow...