Communication Tips with ADHD

     One of the major points my wife, Sue, and I stress in our new book, Married to Distraction, is the critical element of time.  People take time for granted.  But without time, there is no attention, and with attention there is no communication or empathy, and without communication and empathy there is no connection, and without a connection there is no play, and without play there is no fulfilling intimacy, romance, or love.  We often say that play is the main action of love.  But it all depends upon the previous steps, starting with time.

One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes.  This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes. 

Both ADHD and non-ADHD spouses have a tendency to feel as if their own vision of the world is the way that the world really "is" - this feeling is human nature.  We have many years on earth, we've learned certain things about how the world works and who we (and others) are in relation to what's around us.  So it can be a revelation when we have the courage to step outside of our own view and try to see the world through our partner's eyes.  Doing this can be very healing for a couple because in so doing you validate your partner.

I was reviewing some research recently for the book I'm finishing up and came across an interesting bit of info that provides insight into why so many with ADHD perceive that "nothing is wrong" while their spouses see things differently.

When you're trying repeatedly to get an ADHD spouse to "respond" to your requests it's hard not to get into nagging mode.  But non-ADHD spouses need to avoid chronic nagging patterns if they are to be successful, happy partners.  This is much harder than it sounds. 

If, like me, you are a non-ADD spouse, it’s easy to dwell on the aspects of ADD that are inconvenient and troubling.  But what about those things that an ADD spouse might find inconvenient about a non-ADD spouse, but which often don’t get voiced?  I came up against this last night when in a conversation with my husband about how quickly the ADD mind works.

We all interpret the world around us through a set of filters.  These can be based upon our upbringing, our family’s values, certain knowledge and, sometimes, our fears.  Recently, I’ve been thinking about how the filters one chooses to use affect your relationship for better or for worse.  One of the tricks, of course, is understanding your own filters.

You may be frustrated at the slow progress that seems to happen in your relationship.  You push and push, yet little seems to change.  You may have read about my comment that “If nothing changes, nothing changes” elsewhere on this blog – I woke up this morning wondering if we could use this idea to help couples make progress, and wondering if a few of you might like to join me in an experiment that might improve your marriage.  Read on, and you’ll find the experiment at the end.

It has been my observation that people with in ADD marriages violate each other’s personal boundaries quite frequently, and in both directions.  This becomes a huge issue for the relationship, as both partners become locked in an unwitting struggle for control, lose respect for each other, and often lose a sense of themselves as unique individuals in a way that diminishes them individually and as a couple.

Do you find yourself uptight about whether or not your spouse’s sleeping schedule matches yours?  Does going to bed at night together put you on edge?  Are you unsure how to communicate about how close you want to be (or don’t want to be)?  You may be suffering from an experience similar to the one my husband and I had.