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by: Off the roller ... -
Swedish, I really appreciate you sharing this. This is me and you and I are the same. I'm in the midst of this right now and finding it so so so so difficult. It wasn't always like this, I don't want to BE like this but we are in such toxic dynamics and I find that I'm just paralysied in communication. I can't even ask him to throw away his breakfast trash because I'm not sure on the reaction I'll get. It's really tough. You are so seen and validated.>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
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by: saudade -
Dear Swedish Coast, thank you for your comment! I agree with you, I did protect myself, I went to contact, I have wonderfull friends (I never thought I had such wonderfull friends, who were so supportive), I have my apt, my job, I did all the steps for him to take the consequences. And he says he does. I am not living with him, I am independent in all ways. Still, I see there a will, I see there shame and guilt (as I saw today) and I needed that to understand that it has consequences. I am a person who can...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: Swedish coast -
Im sorry to hear this has happened to you. My history is having for many years excused bouts of emotional and verbal aggression in my ADD now ex-husband and consoled him after. Why I did it? Because the rest of the time he was incredibly loving. Because I loved him, and because I wanted to save our relationship, and because he was unable to make the repairs. As he was unable to choose anything better than rage when there was a conflict. You describe weakness in your partner. Since he's so frail, he seems...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: saudade -
Hello dear Melody, thank you for your feedback! As I met him by accident today, he is so down and in suffer that he wants to change it. We don´t live together (he was always at my place, but he has his apt.) I understand perfectly what you say and I would agree, if he would refuse to take help. I know his adhd and other syntoms and traumas will not go away, is a part of him, but he is muc more than that. I am not naive or not rational, I know exactly in situation I am, I could be dead, I am aware. But if...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: saudade -
Thank you so much, Adele! I´m happy for you with your new relation. The problem with my partner is that he cannot control his syntoms when he drinks too much. I saw it happen before, with other people, but I could take him off the situation. This was the 1st time this happened and he got the consequences right away (now he has sevaral appointments with the police, and has to go to the court). I am not excusing him, but trying to understand and explain. I have to admit, I didn`t take adhd and the other...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: 1Melody1 -
Pain/heartbreak and hope that treatment would change him are guiding how you feel right now. That's completely natural. But he needs much more help than you can support and he has to want that for himself. He knew this about himself and still put you at risk - he could have been in treatment years ago for this. You are not safe to be with him again in any way. I suggest no contact and individual therapy to help you move through this and keep yourself safe.>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: AdeleS6845 -
Hello, saudade. I am concerned for your safety and well being. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. He had anger and control issues and would often fly into a rage over the smallest things. He never physically hit me, but I would cringe and cower when he raised his voice. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He criticized and belittled me regularly. The one time it became physical, was when he forced himself on me sexually. I stayed and put up with it until I couldn't anymore. I was in my...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: J -
I believe are a common thing with folks who have ADHD. Depending on what other things a person has going on, these cycles will vary from person to person for example: My main cycles are burnout and anxiety/depression associated cycles. I also believe they can be unique from person to person depending each individuals natural make up. I don't suffer from every symptom so some of these things don't apply to me. For example: I don't have trouble sleeping or falling asleep. I tend to sleep very soundly and...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
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by: Haveaniceday -
This is not about the topic of the thread, but every time I read your posts Swedish Coast, I have the thought that you should write a book about your experience. The way you describe things makes one really feel the emotion very deeply. There is such pain but tenderness in what you write. I do hope that one day you'll find that playful, free and vibrant person that you truly are, again. Your writing resonates closely with my experience, and your words help me to understand so much more of myself. I am...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, I just came to re-read this thread as it's become relevant to me personally in the past 24 hours, as you know from the thread I started (and I'm so thankful for your wise advice there). Reading your posts all at once told me so much more about how you're feeling. I hope you've been able to find a strong support person and/or doctor to help you through this time. I'm concerned for you. Sending virtual hugs. We will get through this.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
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by: Catterfly -
Swedish, I've been following your journey with admiration. I know how hard it's been for you, as many of us here, and thanks to your honest and vulnerable posts, I understand what I'm up against once I leave. It's by no means the panacea that we hope for, at least until we process the trauma. But at least it gives us time to do so. I look forward to the day that you say you're doing better. Til then, we're all here to find a moment of peace and support together. I send you my very best wishes that...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
Thank you, swampyankee, you're so right about this. We get raised to learn that we help our spouse "through sickness and health" - but there's a line that is crossed when they're the cause of the sickness, and especially when they've clearly passed it on to the next generation. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
To all who replied so quickly, thank you so much. I needed to hear the tough love (stop over analyzing and go now!), the validation from all of you that this is really terrible and it doesn't matter what I've done to deserve it, or whether I've done enough to help him, your stories of tragedy (sickandtired, I'm so devastated for you and your sister), and your stories of hope (1Melody1, I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is thriving after you left). You've also given me a framework to think of this...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Swedish coast -
To me, rage episodes seemed a last resort when my ADD ex-husband had exhausted himself and still couldn't make himself understood or approved of. I imagined rage is a desperate measure in the face of failure. A mind struggling in a world without rewards. It was sad, and I could understand that with enough frustration and pain, rage will surface in many of us. I thought rage was manageable, even though it couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be made to follow any decency rules. Like an anxious dog can...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: 1Melody1 -
Echoing everyone else here - get out as soon as you can. I think your daughter's idea of distance is a good one if legal and reasonable (won't upset the other daughter, won't take you far from your support system). I would say don't blame yourself. Most of us got to the darkest places slowly and getting out is never easy. Sometimes it takes an event. You are doing all the right things and there are massive weights on your shoulders right now, so be kind to yourself. My ADHD ex had no ability to hold...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: swampyankee -
Although he hasn't turned violent, my husband's dysregulated temper tantrums, rants, and rages have always been traumatizing to me and to my children, and they have always been my fault in his mind. Even now that I've told him in no uncertain terms that I will not have that kind of energy in my life anymore, he still can't see that his reactions are his own and not "caused" by anyone else. I am still "doing stuff to him" in his mind. And until he does own his own actions without trying to blame others...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: sickandtired -
I am so sorry you and your daughters have to endure his rages. How can he not realize his rages are traumatizing you all daily? I agree with others here that it doesn't matter what causes his rages. My ex raged daily about everything, large or small, and it was always my fault according to him. His rages traumatized me as a 60 year old educated worldly woman. I still have flashbacks of his abusive words almost 9 years after I broke up with him and forced him to move out of my house ... I can't imagine how...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: adhd32 -
It doesn't matter what causes his deplorable behavior, it is affecting the entire family. It is terrifying to witness a raging person. I cannot imaging the depth of your daughter's anxiety from being subjected to his out of control behavior on a daily basis. He is abusive. Stop trying to rationalize this and save your children. Look into therapy for ptsd for yourself and your children.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: c ur self -
Waiting until a behavior is grating on us to the point we are emotionally stressed, is the very worst time to address the behavior...Even if a spouse is very wrong w/ a behavior, they like us all don't want to feel scolded like a child...That in it self can produce defensiveness....Any time we address behaviors are habits w/ an adhd mind...It's best to do it in a calm moment...With their full attention (make sure you are being heard)....And do it calmly, quickly, and to the point...And w/ add minds it's...>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
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by: Swedish coast -
You describe dramatic months. So sorry it has developed this way. I share an experience of the relationship having taken so much damage, once diagnose and medication and awareness happened, trust and intimacy were in rags and couldn't be restored. As non-ADHD, I've been blamed for the entire thing by my ex husband. He's accused me of constant abuse and making him lose his will to live. I on my hand have felt his inconsistency, rage and deceit have almost destroyed me. There will never be closure in...>>> on Forum topic - Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late
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