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by: FrustratedSpouse -
I have been married to who I believe to be an undiagnosed ADHD spouse for 36 years. Our 29 year old daughter was diagnosed last year and shared the information with me. It explains so much of my frustration with my husband through the years. How could he hear that I feel like I manage everything, and that I love when someone else takes the lead to make plans, and never hears me enough to take the initiative to act and plan? When I read about ADHD and how they don't get positive brain signals for...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
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by: J -
I was so curious about the concept of mindsets, starting with Growth vs Fixed as mentioned in this post, I started doing some searches in relation to political affiliations. * I promise, this post has nothing to do with politics, just more curiosity. When I ran across a study showing which mindset was associated to different affiliations ( conservative or liberal ) I saw mine and noticed another one called Outward Mindset, which was attached to Independents which is what I am. I looked that up and...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: J -
Just a quick note that came in late ( as usual ) about my description on how my SO and I operate as a team. If I'm not mistaken...I believe this is an example of interdependence in action. ( at least around household chores ) I could have simply said....interdependence feels good when things are not out of balance. And trading off lack of sex in exchange for interdependence is a fair trade. Living life by intentionally J>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: nt_syd -
you have really painted a picture there about your relationship but im sure there is also so much more. I can relate, being in a situation that has some similarities. Im reluctant to offer advice, I certainly dont have all the answers and i only know what you have been able to say in a short post. Also, im pretty late to the discussion., but anyway.. perhaps a useful way to approach your problems is to keep in mind that marriage is an institution with its own set of scripts and expectations that itself is...>>> on Forum topic - Autistic woman living with ADHD partner - please help!
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by: Catterfly -
I asked my (then undiagnosed) husband when we got married to please, please, PLEASE make a small surprise for me on our honeymoon. I told him I needed him to do something - anything - that I could remember going forward and know that was his contribution to our memories of the wedding. He had let me down on everything else he was supposed to do for the wedding/honeymoon planning. I only assigned him one task that was up his alley (ie music), and asked for his input on the other decisions, and he didn't...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, you certainly have a point. I also wonder at the ADD incapacity to see the harm they've caused. I got a lot of "your feelings are not my responsibility, they're yours" at the painful end of our marriage. That whole concept of ignoring the pain you've caused by deceiving and using a trusting person makes small horns bud on my forehead to be honest. True, it might be just as useful to describe the oblivious ADD person as a selfish git. The end result for a spouse is the same either way.>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
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by: honestly -
I agree with Swedish. But I also know that selfishness and ADHD can look and feel identical (My mum calls my OH's ADHD 'SGS' - selfish git syndrome). And really does it matter what the intention is, or if it's caused by one neurodivergence or another, when the effect is so hurtful (and they are well informed enough to know and do better)? My own experience has been very similar. I have got past the hurt and now am in a state of resignation and inertia. I don't think there's a fix, tbh. I've just got...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm so sorry about this. I have had the same experiences with my ADD ex husband. It's spot on and so typical for the ADD I've seen. If unable to prioritize, plan and decide, an ADD person is happiest if they can string along with somebody else's plan. Which means a friend's ready-made plan is always preferred to a plan the ADD person needs to take some responsibility for. Yes it feels selfish to a spouse. Yes it's almost unbearable to feel your needs are not a priority, let alone shoulder the unfair...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
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by: Peacefull111 -
OMG I just looked up enmeshment and this is exactly what it is and how I feel, thank you so much for your comment. Yes somehow because of his adhd I have felt responsible for him and his emotions and making sure he was ok. All while losing myself and not taking very good care of me. Now that we are apart I feel like a can focus on my life again and truly find myself and my self worth. Not being responsible for him or his problems is definitely different for me but I know it's for the best and what is...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
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by: J -
I do enjoy a lot of physical intimacy and I am profoundly happy with her. Isn't that the definition of ambivalence? I think the only real answer here is to accept it, and adjust to it. Either that or find someone else or just leave. Will I truly be happy? I am already happy. Would I be a little more happy if I had exactly what I wanted? Maybe so. You can't always get what you want.... But if you try sometimes....you get what you need.>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Swedish coast -
It seems you don't find sex crucial, enjoy a lot of physical intimacy, and are profoundly happy with your partner? That seems to me to answer your own question. Congratulations, I wish you the best of luck!>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Morgenmuffle -
Hey Peaceful, I don't know if you are asking for advice or just venting. I understand your feeling hurt because you feel you caused hurt. You did say you've been trying to break it off for years. You also said he did a lot of stalking ("he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch"). This is unhealthy. You sound programmed to take responsibility for his feelings. I've been in therapy for several years now and I am finally learning that I am not responsible for other people's...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
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by: J -
that I already figured out, has to do with social norms. One is a fallacy of logic and a related one I'm calling the "should be trap" for lack of the correct name. The fallacy of logic states: just because many believe something to be true does not mean it is so. Followed by the "should be trap"which is about deviations to societal ( or religious ) norms. I know this one well. I stayed in a failed marriage because I made a promise it was for life. Without that promise I was desperately holding onto, I...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: J -
Not only with rejection in the area of sex, but even being tested by the marriage counselor my ex-wife and I were seeing. I had also gone a number of years with very little sex with her. Actually, the frequency wasn't much different as it is now. Which is one reason I was already assuming the worst. Back then, I would definitely consider myself hypersexual. My ex even accused me of being a sex addict but was told by a sex therapist, on her insistence, who said no....but you're way up there in sex drive...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: J -
I'll definitely give your book suggestion a read. It sounds interesting and possibly exactly what I need. And yes, I am happy to have found someone who compliments my weakness' with her strengths and vise versa, we fit together well in that way. It's pretty balanced overall. The division of labor is nearly seamless. She cooks, I do all the grocery shopping.( yes all ) She does the inside cleaning of the house, I do all the outside like mowing, trimming ( every week religiously. ) I never miss a week....>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Swedish coast -
I imagine meeting a partner in middle age would always mean adjusting to that someone's set ways. That could be limiting, but also good. If it's stated outright what you both need, that could make you feel safe. You would both enter a marriage with your eyes open. On the other hand, it's always seemed to me it's hard for a person to feel sexually rejected, whatever the reason. Are you sure you won't feel hurt by this? I understand your hesitation to marry celibacy, simply because you state physical...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Catterfly -
Hi J, You need to have a really honest discussion with yourself about what you can truly accept happily. Many people live like this (some of us here have for years), and marriages can work if neither party feels neglected. If you're a reader, I've read a book that helped me grapple with this a bit: Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein. To sum up, sex in middle age and beyond won't be what it was as a teenager. So for many couples, the definition needs to be redefined as they age and they may need to...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Off the Roller, I have a close relative who has always lived like this. I remember as a child, not being allowed to open certain doors in her apartment (including an entire bedroom) for fear that items would fall out and cause injury. Today, she's in her 80's and it has progressed to a situation like what you would see on TV (hoarders). I bring this up because through working with her and trying to help, it's become clear to me that all of her stuff is actually unfinished projects. The garbage...>>> on Forum topic - When their dopamine rush affects you negatively
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by: J -
Just a reminder, so far in what I've said happened on day 2 of a brand new relationship while everything is fun and new and there's no past history of anything even close to an argument or disagreement. So far, I was very excited just to be there with her. We didn't have sex for another week which was fine with me, I was actually overjoyed. But as time wore on, the intervals became longer and longer beginning that very week. I was beginning to get concerned because I'd been there before but never right...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Swedish coast -
What a striking coincidence in your circle of friends, Catterfly! I smile at the new lives of your friends. With your resilience (I truly admire how you've handled recent events) I'm sure you will thrive in a little while.>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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