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by: MelissaOrlov -
Hi... Sometimes the parent-child dynamic gets turned around when the woman has ADHD. I believe this is cultural - women in the U.S. in particular are trained, culturally, to feel they are 'in charge' of the home while men are often trained that they contribute in other ways, such as financially, and need to take less responsibility around the home. There is a good body of research on the cognitive load that women carry around organizing family and household and how that is not spread out evenly. Your...>>> on Forum topic - Book Confusion: Projection?
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by: J -
about the projection. That does appear to be what your wife is doing from your description. In the book, the chapter on obstacle emotions deals with this. I've had to switch back and forth taking both roles because the two of us have ADHD which gets confusing. As I listened to the book, I know one place I've used projection more than a few times in my past, and that is idealizing my romantic partner. It can be a rude awaking when you suddenly realize they aren't the projection you made them out to be in...>>> on Forum topic - Book Confusion: Projection?
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by: J -
I've done so much work on figuring this stuff out, I thought it would be reticent of me not to share the entire story. Hoping this doesn't trigger some of the moms out there ( not my intention ) but it is what it is. This is my attitude as well. You can't always go back and fix your mistakes, but you can use this information to help do something different and learn from. In the 3rd person, as objectively as I can...the rest of this story in reality and more on how this all works. Anxious mom and...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Together
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by: Swedish coast -
Shame has been hard on me too. Especially that I unconsciously believed I needed approval from other people to get a divorce. This is painful and I'm still ashamed. It's perhaps because like you, I was taught to not trust my emotions and not place boundaries. I'm an adult, I shouldn't have let those misapprehensions guide me. But let's face it, we're not individuals in a void. We, and I mean mothers specifically, are very much a part of society. Society puts impossible tasks before us. We are supposed to...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: honestly -
thank you, Swedish. There's so much to think about here. I agree it's wrong to hand a child this kind of power; I'm ashamed of having done so, but I made it clear it was my decision to take and I was taking it. She was not making the choice or forcing me. Underlying it all is my experience of narcissistic parenting. I was brought up to understand that other people matter more than me. I see the patterns now but it does not make them easy to break. It begins to look like she might be now siding with him...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: Swedish coast -
It's unjust of him to threaten with suicide. I'm upset to hear it. All these demands on you - that you're to be subservient so he can push you around, and that your daughter thinks you should look after him... none of it seems fair to me. I could never know what's right for you. It just seems to me a child cannot dictate what's possible for a parent to handle, or what's fair. You in my eyes are the most important person here. Since you are the more dependable parent, you are your daughter's safety net....>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: Swedish coast -
You can't know how well that describes my past, the fear of social negative experiences with the ex. It's exactly as you suggest. Not only did all the social fun disappear with time in the marriage, but also the relationships with relatives, everything. I had to get rid of all except a few dear close family members of mine, one of his relatives, and a couple of childhood friends of his - the only people he was comfortable with. Like you, I have endless experiences of him panicking before events, being...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: Off the roller ... -
You said it yourself. We only know how to take responsibility and - you forgot a major component - be disappointed by outcomes that are totally out of our control but that we have to 'pick up and take on' from our ADHD SOs. So that meant that over the course of your life together, you learned that when you socialised, as your partners ADHD symptoms got worse (or technically, maybe they just started shining through more and more), the symptoms would impact you in a negative way in that social situation...so...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: honestly -
that you have so much to contend with. That's a lot. I admire your integrity and tenacity. I have tried to leave three times now. First time he threatened suicide. I soon learned from a doctor's letter about treatment for anxiety and depression that he showed me (he considered it an official document proving he was in a bad way- he wanted to make me feel guilty) that they didn't think he was at any risk whatsoever. It had a code on it that I looked up - he hadn't- that they use to classify the severity...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: honestly -
I think this dynamic also covers not just what people do, but how the individuals come to feel about what they do. And I don't think this maps onto me and him in that respect. I do the vast majority of household tasks and all the mental load. He skims along, comes and goes, does his own thing. But I think we both established that dynamic because we both thought he was more important than me. It's like he's the guru and I'm the acolyte, and things only 'go wrong' when I kick against that.>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: honestly -
I did use the word 'gaslighting' in a discussion with him the other day. I said 'It's like gaslighting' but couldn't go fully there. I have had historically a natural tendency to automatically believe I am in the wrong, which I am only now shaking off. It has made this all the more difficult. I already didn't trust myself before any of this started. which makes me think again about the narcissist choosing a subservient partner. Did he choose me because it was clear I would accept this nonsense when other...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: honestly -
Or it was - so subservient. I think one of the problems we've been having is that I have changed- I've been doing some work on myself, coming to an understanding of my upbringing and my early experiences. I've been uncovering a more integrated sense of self. I know myself a little better now and have some compassion there, for what I've been through and the survival strategies I employed. And I feel I can see him more clearly now, now I give myself the credit of being an adequate human being whose feelings...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
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by: Swedish coast -
There's really nothing I can say. This sounds so hard. Just want to send some acknowledgment for all the hard work you've done.>>> on Forum topic - Apparently Me Crying Was Done To Keep Everyone Up!? .. Beyond Frustrated
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by: HelpatADHDmarriage -
Hi Catisamom. One of the guidelines of the forum is to not have links. Article names are allowed, so the article can be found that way!>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
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by: BeyondConfused -
I am and have been. I hit a breaking point when I posted this. I am sick of working on myself and implementing tools, only for my partner to not do anything and withdraw. Or to view me hitting a breaking point as some sort of manipulation tactic or.. something. He was working on himself, but then just stopped taking his medication, but tells me he has been taking it. Despite me seeing the bottles daily when I grab my vitamins. Despite me noticing the very noticeable shift in his mood and attitude. It...>>> on Forum topic - Apparently Me Crying Was Done To Keep Everyone Up!? .. Beyond Frustrated
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by: Swedish coast -
Im sorry to hear you suffer this too. It does help when you describe it as being still depleted. It resounds. The meter is still so low. You and I parent for all we're worth, and work. I don't have time for my weekly class either, most of the time. Maybe it explains it all? The social fatigue is a bit like the complete disinterest in having another romantic relationship. I feel no fish could need a bicycle less than I do. You maybe have the key right there, in what you wrote about the weekly class? Maybe...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: 1Melody1 -
I don't know if it helps, but I find I'm struggling socially now as well. I've maintained some of our "couple" friends, but those visits are rare. Like you, I'm not up to hosting events either... in fact I'm the black sheep of the family for refusing to host the annual holiday bash of 20 people despite it being my "turn." I think I am just still thoroughly depleted. No one understands since I'm years out of the relationship that I am STILL trying to slowly refill my own tank from years of running on empty...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: Catisamom -
Is there a reason why the link was removed? I'd really like to read this article if I could find it. Thanks.>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
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by: Swedish coast -
It's good advice. It's perhaps not depression, I do enjoy things profoundly in between bouts of pain and do a lot of mindfulness exercises. At work I like to joke and connect with dozens of co-workers and new clients every day. It's just this private sense of not belonging. It's been like this for more than a decade, thinning out. I put everything I had into the family. Now the family is broken. Maybe it's like many of our forum friends have said wisely: it will take more time to restore life after...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: J -
you're depressed. I know that's stating the obvious but for me, there's one sure fire way to lift myself out of depression and that's through and daily excersise routine. It's far more effective than antidepressants or any other form of medication. In fact, since I started back on Adderall/Wellbutrin...I've lost 10lbs. Ten more pounds and I'll be back to my ideal body weight and I already feel better. Just today, I started my exercise routine using a rowing machine. I just got up and did it, I made the...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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