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by: BeyondConfused -
Recently Diagnosed, I am so sorry that you had to experience this! My ex-husband also had an affair. And he blamed it on me. I was not aware that I had ADHD at the time, I didn't start suspecting that until I ended up with an ADHD partner. And then I got my diagnosis this month. And my absentmindedness, excessive talking, and struggle to keep on top of chores or have them done quickly, used to drive him crazy. But, that doesn't excuse an affair. Your husband knowingly lied to you and knowingly decided to...>>> on Forum topic - Trust has gone
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by: J -
I think it may be easier to approach what I was saying from a different direction instead. I understand you're planning on leaving your spouse so this really isn't about him but more about your future. If I could go back in time and tell myself everything I know now....I would tell ( me ) to listen to what people were trying to tell me.After a number of relationships failing one after another, I began to realize that all these different people, who were not connected to each other in any way....seemed to...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: dalanak -
It feels like you've described my husband. Only we also have children. This is complete and utter self-destruction. Read about OTRS and Cassandra syndrome. We have all of this. I don't know what to do myself.>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: ToasterCoaster -
I am curious what partners feelings are about the ADHD male reading erotic stories. Because it is text, there are no actual women being objectified or victimized. However it is fantasizing about someone other than your spouse (even if it is fictional). Is this as hurtful to the spouse as pornographic videos or images? Is it less hurtful but still painful? I would really like to know what women think about this.>>> on Blog post - 9 Reasons Porn Hurts
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by: BeyondConfused -
That's just it. The trust is gone. I've been married and divorced already. I spent years trying to work on that marriage and ended up just becoming a shell of myself. And I compromised my moral compass so many times to try and make it work. I had promised myself that if I ever ended up in another scenario where a relationship broke down, that I would do all that I could to try and repair a marriage, but that I would know when it was time to walk away. I'm not the person I want to be right now. I'm...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: BeyondConfused -
I might have missed what you were trying to say. Were you trying to say that sometimes my partner and I may be defaulting to certain behaviors towards one another due to patterns and as a way to relieve anxiety or feel in control?>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: BeyondConfused -
I see what you are saying. That makes a lot of sense to me. I need some time to think about this and process it. I'm going to try and explain things a bit better. Because maybe I didn't. Or maybe I did, and I will see that once my brain has processed this fully. I realize you are talking about patterns, this is a little long, but I will get to the patterns part at the end. So if you can bear with me, great. Some of this I think I just need to type to get it out of my brain and help me understand what I'm...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: Swedish coast -
Your description of your current situation is much alike mine last year. You get to a point where trust has run out. Every interaction from there is just disfigurement. You can't be who you want to be, or act in a pleasant or neutral way, or cope with any more of your partner's behavior. I was told by close friends that I was disappointing them by always complaining of everybody else. I was also told my needs were greedy - I should be able to give out generously to others expecting nothing in return....>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: J -
Hi Beyond Confused. I'm really trying my best to communicate better in an effort to stay out issues between my SO and I. We're all here to help each other so if you can trust in what I'm about to say, then I'm hoping I can say something that your ADHD friends didn't say very well. Having said that, I believe they saw something you weren't seeing in your interaction with them and between your spouse, but it hurt your feelings and your focus was not on what they were trying to tell you. I immediately...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: Catterfly -
It sounds like you're close to where I was when I left my husband in July. For about two years, I would wake up to him yelling at the kids. Then at night, after I'd spent an hour putting them to bed, reading stories etc (even though they were tween/teens), he would march back upstairs at 11:00 pm and yell at them more. Sometimes he would haul them out of bed to clean the kitchen - his chore! In January I gave him an ultimatum: no more yelling at the kids, ever, or you must go on antidepressants. And if...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: J -
Much of what you've said I've thought of myself at different times. I can only add my own thoughts in addition. From everything I learned so far, since I was first diagnosed ( about 20 years ago ). I'm more than a little confident in saying that ADHD is only part of the story. It always comes with other things. I actually thought I had OCD ( which I do or at least...components if not fully diagnosable ) I actually read online, a list of things commonly associated with OCD and one of them was ADHD. I...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: BeyondConfused -
I feel my trust has been broken too much. I've told him how I feel, I have more than once communicated ideas to help build the relationship. It goes through the typical cycle of things work for a bit and then they don't. He read the book as well and was excited to implement ideas and suggestions. Until it came time to do so. The last time I tried to express how I felt, I just got told "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he shut right down. I can't work with that, that ends up being me doing all the talking...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
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by: J -
I also wanted to mention....while my SO was bringing things from her past into our relationship....I was also doing the same. Rooting out anger is one thing....rooting out distrust is a different animal. Distrust is rooted in fear...and fear and anger are common bed fellows.. distrust being the by-product. As I was saying. That shit has got to go...in the toilet where it belongs! J>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
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by: c ur self -
She acts and lives like and unconcerned dependent...(like a selfish child who doesn't have the maturity to even understand her actions)...There is no boundaries that can limit her from using the quest room, the groceries, and utilities w/o any work or effort toward it....Unless she leaves.... We had sex up until I quit being the cheerleader for it about 6 months ago...It got very old dealing with her negative and un-thankful attitude...But even our sex life was just that for her....It was her finally...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
After thinking about this for a while, I realized why I initially came back here again; Fear and anger are the reasons why, at the heart of the matter. a) I was afraid of never getting sex again b) I was becoming increasingly angry ( resentful) for being criticized and belittled ( talked down to as a child...in essence...being talked to in a disrespectful manner. ) If you forget about all the reasons why, and many, rightfully so, it still all boils down to those two things....that's all that's left at...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
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by: c ur self -
I told her that I would carry anything she boxed up and put in the rooms she designated....I also told her if there were things she didn't want, to put it in a certain place and I would discard it all for her....She has moved a very few things, but, as done very little packing (she's a light hoarder and has an overwhelming amount of stuff)...Boxes piled in the living room for a few months now basically untouched....I try my best everyday to take it with a grain of salt...I've had 16 years of experience...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: BeyondConfused -
I was just discussing/thinking about this yesterday while talking with a family member. I had called them because my partner had done something that left me concerned about if waiting until I have a job and a plan in place to ask him to leave was still feasible. Interestingly enough, I think this family member has ADHD too. There were a few things on a form I had when I was pursuing my diagnosis that she seemed shocked by and kept insisting that those were "normal". Or "everyone does that" so to speak. And...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, This is a really interesting theory. Coupled with what we know about ADHD impulsivity, it makes sense! Diagnoses here in Canada seem to be a bit quicker so we may have more anecdotal evidence - not sure. But my husband and two teen daughters were diagnosed in the past two years. Our eldest was the first - she was 13 at the time. We were a bit shocked as she shows none of the signs you would expect. It turns out that she internalizes all of the nervous energy and it becomes really...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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by: Swedish coast -
In This Is How Your Marriage Ends there is a chapter on how spouses drift apart with time if not striving constantly to connect. That theme spoke to me. I think the ADD mind may rest thinking nothing bad happens with time if they do nothing. Instead, their inertia kills the marriage. As you said, if she pulls away but still lives with you, she has the convenience of your resources. That seems like a comfortable place for her, but to me it's deeply immoral and also insulting to you. My ex husband did it...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: Swedish coast -
You're right C. I haven't had any male friends or acquaintances confide their troubles in their marriages. This is all women talking amongst themselves. Thank you for adding a broader perspective.>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
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