ADHD & Marriage News - November 5, 2020
Quote of the Week
“…I believe in telling the truth in our intimate relationships. Yet I’m also aware that sometimes we tell the truth like a slap in the face.
Conscious relationships don’t encourage truth for truth’s sake.
I don’t really need to hear that my lover thinks my ankles are too thick.
He doesn’t need to hear that I think another man is sexier than he is.
Truth without love
is a form of violence.
By all means, tell the truth. Yet be mindful of what you’re generating with your truth-telling…”
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Loving Truth
I regularly am asked “why did my ADHD partner get so upset when I started to talk about what s/he hadn’t done yet? It’s the truth…!” Perhaps so, but that ‘truth’ lands like a criticism or, as Thomas notes ‘…a form of violence.’ This is because your partner has ADHD and a long emotional history with similar issues. That ‘truth’ that seems so easy to you may activate feelings of shame, defensiveness, anger and lack of power in your ADHD partner.
Thomas asks that we combine truth with love. How? One example - it’s loving to know that your comment may hurt your partner, even if it wouldn’t hurt you, and think before speaking.
It also helps to set up systems for tracking whether things get done, hence my support of regular task meetings. In those meetings it is the ADHD partner who monitors his or her own progress and makes plans to assure things get done as needed. This is much kinder than being monitored by another.
Another element of ‘truth with love’ is believing what your partner says when they tell you how they feel. Validate his or her feelings, even if you don’t understand them or agree with them. (If you don’t know what validation means, I talk about it in more depth in my couples’ seminar.)
What’s the loving truth your partner most needs to hear from you?
LIVE Couples' seminar - Registration is open. The first session begins January 13, 2021.
Non-ADHD support groups - Registration will open for Jan and Feb groups on Dec. 15. Stay tuned - they sell out quickly.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa to support you during the COVID-19 crisis. More information is here.
Tues, Dec 8, 6:30 - 8pm EASTERN time
Wed, Dec 9, 11am - 12:30pm EASTERN time
Tues, Dec 15, 7 - 8:30pm EASTERN time
For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Resources
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts January, 2021.
Support Tele-groups - Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD - go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.
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© 2020 Melissa Orlov
