Recent forum posts (all topics)

Just learned from my now adult son how his father's behaviour negatively impacted his self esteem and mental health growing up. 

I am Scrooge.....be back with more once the ghosts stop visiting.

I have been married to an ADHD man for 8 years.  He is non medicated and barely acknowledges he has ADHD He will do no self reflection or research to help himself.  Last 2 years have been bad with his RSD and very dysregulated (not that he ever was regulated).  I can't talk to him.  I am in this alone.  My emotional tank is so full, I just want to give up but we don't really want divorce.  My question is:  Have any of you non ADHD spouses started taking medication to help you deal with your ADHD spouse?  ie:  antianxiety, depression meds?  Any natural supplements?  If so do you think it hel

Yesterday, my SO and I were driving to a doctor's appointment she had, and I was tagging along. They had just chip sealed the road we live on, and the surface is now uniformly resurfaced with fresh gravel. It has the look of a new carpet to give you an idea. Only a few moments as we were driving down the street, she looked at me and said this:

"Remember last year when they put asphalt on all the cracks in the street....and it looked like snakes all scattered randomly all over the road? That really bothered me....it looked all chaotic and ugly. ( Paraphrasing )

That was pretty close to what she said if not quoted exactly.  She continued on and said this:

"That's why I have the house the way I do. I really can't stand it when there's things out on the counters, or like my art room with all the paint bottles crammed in there like they are. That drives me crazy ( quote )"

In other words, she gets a visceral, uncomfortable feeling when things are visually out of place, not spaced out in a certain way or just bad fung shei: crowded, or unorganized.

It never would have occurred to me about the tar stripes on the road bothering her of anyone? ( the snakes ) It's not even something I really even notice or look at? And it certainly doesn't cause me to have a visceral reaction? I simply don't even notice.

This explains to me many things. For example: It explained why, the other day when I got home from a long day at work and it was 103° outside, she was being very insistent that I go out and clean up some trimmings in the yard from some shrubs she had cut earlier in the day.

My internal dialogue went something like: are you nuts?? It's 103° frick'in degrees outside!! What I said to her was actually something like: I'm mowing the yard tomorrow morning early before the heat comes up, can't it wait until then? I couldn't understand her sense of urgency and why it was so important to get a few trimmings off the lawn?

Now I understand. If she presented it to me the way she did yesterday, it would have saved me a lot of stress trying to understand her logic or reasoning in why she does things the way she does? There really is none is the answer. It's based more on a feeling than anything else.  That part I understand and can relate with. 

This helps me as a guide, in knowing what and why I need do things around the house.....and even the order in which I do things.

The longer I wait to do certain things....for her, the more she has to endure this uncomfortable feeling.

I get that. It's something I can understand. 

J

PS: I think this may also have something to do with how she approaches me at times. She can be pretty bossy, with that sense of urgency again...like, I need this right now!  And without knowing any better, the first thing question that comes to mind is....why right now?

Sorry all, this will sound self-pitying. I'll write it anyway because I need to take down these realizations when they come.

Have been struggling for a few days. Am very unhappy. Have dwelled in memory of the deepest despair of the past year.

The therapist tells me I suffer from trauma and have been manipulated. Vacation makes it unavoidable. No distractions.

I've been lurking on the forum recently, haven't been posting or commenting too much. But something came to me the other day and I wanted to see what you all thought (Both ADHD and non-ADHDers here): 

Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone on this forum who have helped me with some much love, compassion and kindness despite, my obvious ignorance in so many ways including saying things that may have been hurtful or made people angry because of my own obliviousness. ( is that a word ? ) Without even knowing exactly where I've done this, I know I have and I'm deeply sorry that I've been the cause of this hurt.

Which leads me to say.....

If it hadn't been for this forum and Melissa's book and class, I never would have understood the concept of Symptom, Response, Response which is exactly what has happened at times in my relationship with my SO who is also ADHD. Being able to recognize it has really helped me not take things personally, know what I'm seeing, and remind me that I'm a part of this dynamic too. I know without question I have a part to play and I have to be watching myself continuously to make sure I'm doing my part in not making it worse. Nipping it the bud if you will. Having two people with ADHD together means this is kind of like patting your head and rubbing your belly AND playing 3D Chess at the same time! Lots of things to remember and think about...including the fact that I'm looking at a mirror when I see my SO much of the time.

I've also been able to recognize the timetable of our relationship together having just past the 2 year mark. The honeymoon phase is now changing to another phase in our relationship. Again, truly helpful when you start thinking those "what's wrong here" thoughts? Something really has changed, but knowing what it is takes the mystery away along with notion that it's actually wrong. 

Experience SRR and then actually recognizing what's actually happening is helpful beyond all get out...and I have this site and all the people in to thank.

Thank you.

J

I've been doing some soul searching. What did I do during our many years together that hurt my undiagnosed ADD partner?

We all know some very common things, and those I've done. I was critical of his priorities and questioned his performance. I dismissed most of his ideas.

Impatient by nature, I've made him feel he was always too slow. I've prompted action and decisiveness to no avail. I've shown irritation at his natural pace. 

How to reach out to my adhd partner, if he is refusing my contact 

Bad bad bad situation.  Trigger warning.