non-ADHD partner here (well, at least I think so!)
I've ordered Melissa's book, which I believe has some information about my question, but while I'm waiting for it to arrive, I thought I'd ask here.
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Only very recently, via a somewhat random set of connections, I started wondering whether my wife may have undiagnosed ADHD. Since then, I've been reading and listening to a lot of information and much of it rings true (that is, to my non-health-professional, possibly-prone-to-confirmation-bias mind). Doesn't mean I'm right, of course, and hopefully she and I will be able to discuss getting a diagnosis for her (and myself?).
Anyway, I'd like to learn more about anger/frustration in the non-adhd partner. For years my wife has been telling me the problem in our marriage is my anger. This has always felt off the mark to me.
On the one hand, I've researched all the typical behaviours associated with an anger disorder -- and I don't exhibit them. On the other, I acknowledge I still hold a lot of unhealed anger from my childhood; my therapist has said "I can often feel your simmering anger".
So my take is that, yes, I have unresolved trauma and this can, at times, lead me to overreact or act irrationally, etc. And at the same time (given that I don't believe I exhibit the signs of "an anger problem"), I feel as if I'm in good company. That is, wouldn't that description apply to most of us?
My questions (re: ADHD) are:
- How much of the following sounds familiar through an ADHD lens?
- If any of it is familiar, what might I be able to do?
For years my wife engaged in very frequent criticism, complained constantly, and exhibited various controlling behaviours. When I put this to her and contended this was unfair and unreasonable, she...
(1) staunchly denied it; then
(2) attacked me, claiming the root-cause was my anger; then
(3) got really upset because this "claim" of mine was "evidence" that I didn't love her unconditionally and I "didn't see [her] for who [she] really [is]".
Not in just one interaction, either. We went around and around in this argument/loop for a long time (a couple of years) because I could see no evidence to "justify" her behaviour towards me.
She insisted "[my] anger" was at the bottom of it and pressed me to attend weekly therapy sessions (with my therapist). This insistence on weekly has recurred many, many times and I'm always a bit perplexed by it.
I wasn't averse to therapy; I'd had a personal therapist for a long time before we were even married and I know I have plenty to work through. But I was doubtful "[my] anger" was the issue. I was open to being wrong.
Several years later, after my wife had also done a lot of personal therapy (not her first rodeo, either) and we'd started couples therapy, she finally said:
- "Yes, my go-to behaviour when I get stressed is to focus on the negative, find fault, criticise, complain, be controlling... these are all symptomatic of my insecure childhood attachment bonds (as elaborated with tons of research by Sue Johnson and her EFT model) ... So, yeah, I guess what you've been saying is valid..."
I don't mean for that to sound flippant on her part because it wasn't. More than once since she has sincerly expressed her deep sorrow for the hurt caused.
[A bit of a sidenote: Some time later, I came across the acronym DARVO while doing research to try and make sense of it and went "Yes! That!"]
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Another thing I came across re: ADHD is "not listening" (or, probably, more accurately, inability to follow a complex line of reasoning due to impaired executive function). Of course, it's also difficult for any of us to "listen well" when we're emotionally flooded, adhd or no adhd.
Nevertheless, this has been an unbelievably recurrent bone of contention in our relationship since long before we were even married. And I find it intensely frustrating to present a point of fact, a point of view, a reasoned argument for whatever it is I believe, etc. and feel as if I may as well not have spoken. She has her point of view and, dammit, that's what we're talking about here! I feel as if I have to go around and around and around just to be heard.
Then, we might be able to discuss the issue.
This is not a different way of asking "Why won't she agree with me?" Sometimes -- like everyone! Newsflash! -- I'm wrong. ***gasp*** I may or may not like that, but I believe I'm adult enough to (generally) accept when I'm wrong and adjust accordingly. I'm the kind of person who wants to do the right thing (for the situation). I, like most people, enjoy being right, but it's less important to me than taking the right action.
But... this dynamic of going around and around just to be heard is, frankly, as frustrating AF, and by then I'm annoyed and our chances of discussing the issue in a calm, rational way have gone out the window.
Sometimes I get angry about that. Not throw stuff around angry or make threats of physical harm or any other such nonsense, but what I consider pretty "normal" anger under the circumstances. Maybe I'm wrong about that. If so, I'm very much open to hearing alternative points of view on what I could do better.
Then, when we do finally get down to brass tacks (i.e. discussing the issue at hand) -- whether that day or another day, the whole dynamic repeats! I don't feel heard. She always seems to know best -- especially anything parenting related. I'm just wrong about everything all the time. (Statistically, that just can't be possible... surely?) And, of course, I then get the sh*ts about that.
I try really, really hard not to keep my anger under control, but I'm feeling completely crushed under the weight of this attempt. Not because I have this raging, frothing-at-the-mouth Hulk inside whom I'm constantly trying to keep caged... no, that is not what's going on with me.
Rather, it's because I feel that any expression of anger (including frustration) is simply unacceptable to my wife. I have, of course, put this to her many, many times (empathising with the dynamics of her family, where emotional regulation isn't very strong, and the household she grew up in, where a lot of behaviour was, I think, controlled with the use of anger). She flat out rejects my hypothesis. Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean I'm right, either.
I don't believe all anger is "automatically bad". Sometimes it's a reasonable response to mistreatment or not having one's boundaries respected. It's a way of forcefully saying "HEY! NO TO THAT". [Recently, our couples therapist used the term "clean anger" to describe this.] To me, this is not the same as excuse-making, e.g. "Getting angry is no good, but dangit if I just don't get angry sometimes. What's wrong with that?". No, not that.
Getting angry is just about never going to result in a productive discussion. I know this. So I try to apologise whenever possible because anger in one partner is almost certainly going to trigger the other person and around and around it goes. Both of us feel crappy and nothing gets resolved. For sure, I do not always express my anger in a "clean anger" way. Who does? But I've worked with my therapist, I've healed some things that needed to be healed, and I try hard not to overreact (although... even saying that makes it sound as if, in the past, I routinely overreacted to all and sundry, which is just not the case).
It's exhausting, though, when I feel there's plenty of "justification" (for want of a better word) for my feeling so frustrated and hurt and put upon. A few years back, a friend of mine (on this issue) said "It sounds as if everyone in your household is allowed to get angry... except you."
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And then... this is what I've been assailed with for the past couple of years...
When I get frustrated to the point of crazy-making -- what I refer to as "completely exasperated"... I'm prone to throwing my hands in the air, rolling my eyes, and saying something -- admittedly unhelpful and, certainly, unloving -- like "FFS! How many times do I have to say XYZ only for you to hear ABC?"...
...and then she's onto me:
- "I won't accept that behaviour. It's disrespectful. Rolling your eyes is disrespectful. And contemptuous. I won't have you talk down to me, belittle me, or be condescending..."
This just seems like a variation of "It's your anger that's the problem". My anger has turned to contempt now, apparently. But the point -- to me, at least, and this is where I could really do with some other perspectives -- is the same:
- I am (mostly) being reasonable and fair and the only response I get from you is some version of anger. It wasn't acceptable before -- and I told you so -- and now it appears you've escalated that into the domain of contempt, which is even less acceptable. So you'd better address that or this marriage is over because I won't be treated that way.
I believe I understand her position. I just don't think it reflects reality.
