Forum topic: Insight

Mon Jul 11th, 2011 - 4:09pm by AnnaCunningham

Forum: 
Communication with ADHD

I am married to a man with ADHD, he has had his diagnosis for 3 years and is on meds. We also have a 6 year old son with ADHD, also on meds. I have just read the book ADHD and marriage, experienced a lot of "moment of clarity" these past few weeks while reading. Not just about my husband but also how my own behavior has contributed to where we are today. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster, constant ups and downs, doing better when I chose to ignore him and kind of doing my own thing, taking care and providing for our kids etc. I understand, that in order to make a change, we both need insight in how both of our behavior and responses to one another affects our daily life and ultimately our marriage. But we both need that insight, I think I have insight and have had for a long time. But my husband JUST screamed at me that the fact that he is rude, say mean things to me and treats me demeaning in private but also in front of our friends, is because I am saying stupid s**t the whole time. I want to work on our marriage but I don't see how I can get anywhere when everything is always MY fault and he lacks insight in how his own behavior/responses is affecting our relationship. Any input on how to gain insight and self-reflection in order to move forward towards change?

Comments

Submitted by lululove on Tue Jul 12th, 2011 - 6:46am

Welcome. You have many sympathizers here, who have similar if not identical stories to yours. The work you have done so far has been great because educating yourself is the first huge and ongoing step we must all do to move forward. It can not be easy with not only your spouse but your son having to deal with this disorder. In my home, we are about 2 years post diagnosis, he is also on meds, and life is complicated by the huge "epiphany" that he had that he just was not happy anymore- and that he would not take my so-called controlling ways (asking for help w house, kids, trying to have conversations despite his inattentiveness)...and has gone to a lifestyle involving going out whenever he feels like it (4 nights a week?) to hang out in different bars w his buddies without telling me he wont be home/or even saying where or who he is with (usually). He is, IMHO, in a very strong alcohol addiction, though apparently functioning in his job and to some extent at home.. As long as I dont "push" (eg leave him alone/dont ask anything of him). Life sucks right now, though there is some stability for the kids, me... I am going to therapy to try to keep my self esteem afloat- it helps and an option you might try. If you can also find a couple counselor and get him to go, that might help too. But the sad truth is, until our husbands are prepared to acknowledge how adhd affects our relationship/his behavior... It is a journey we have to travel alone to self growth...at least that is what I see. But boundaries, counseling, meditation...and finding a way to earn an income asap are things I find helpful. PS You are NOT stupid. :)

Submitted by YYZ on Tue Jul 12th, 2011 - 12:51pm

Just like Lululove has stated, you have taken an important step in helping yourself and your family.

I am an ADDer, and just like Lululove's husband, I got my diagnosis just over two years ago and my DW and I have been in a real recovery roller coaster since then. Things are beginning to level out as there have been so many things to adjust to, post diagnosis. I'm not going to say it is easy AT ALL and the most difficult part is the ADDer acknowledging his/her role in all of this. Waking up from the life long ADD Fog is pretty traumatic for many reasons. The Meds sure help make recovery possible, but that is just a piece of the puzzle. I wish you well on this journey.

YYZ

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sat Jul 16th, 2011 - 1:56am

Your specific question screams "counseling" to me.  Self awareness is so hard! Especially in an emotional scenario.  It really helps to have guided or "mediated" conversations so that a) he is less likely to be volatile & rude  b) you can be taken together through the steps of good communication c) have a neutral person who can stop the conversation strategically if it gets intense and can clarify or correct technique and/or perceptions.  I can't say I have a successful marriage at this point but such counseling did help us understand some things that couldn't have otherwise been communicated.  It may take a bit to find the right counselor, but it helps immensely to have someone who has experience with ADHD specifically.  Good luck!!!